Paul Casserly: 2014 in fast forward

Woody Harrelson and Mathew McConaughey star in True Detective.

Paul Casserly fast forwards through 2014 to pick out the TV highlights.

I wondered what would it look like if I lined up all the TV I've watched this year, and watched it in fast forward. This occurred to me when I noticed that the double arrows on my Sky remote are starting to show considerable wear and tear.

Fast-forwarding has changed over the years, once it was all a murky VHS blur or even a blank screen. It was often hit and miss.

Fast-forward to today and fast-forwarding is best achieved at x30 speed. My own studies have concluded that the average NZ ad break is about 6 seconds long at this pace. Other studies* have suggested that by the time of death the average person will have spent 8 months of their lives with their thumb pressed on the fast-forward button.

Fast forwarding is a conscious act, but is it an art form? Will it ever be in the Olympics or receive a Creative New Zealand grant? Well, if I hit the sweet spot and land just as the programme starts I feel a rare moment of satisfaction. It may not be quite how Valerie Adams feels when she lands that leaden lump, perhaps more like the glow you get when you apply just the right amount of force on the fridge door as you casually wander off with a drink and handful of scorched almonds.

If my year of TV watching was laid back to back it would no doubt reach the moon or possibly Pluto. But if I sped it up, the end might just make the Hundertwasser bogs in Kawakawa. The blur of images would feature the faces of fictional characters who hang out in furs in the seven kingdoms of Game of Thrones, a land where, among all the problems and domestic beheadings, house prices barely rated a mention this year. There was one exception, and I quote: "Neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse, unless the latest valuation suggests it would be mad not to." I think Charles Dance said that before he died at stool, as they say.

The face of Tony Soprano would be there in the blur, thanks to the endless reruns that I still can't resist. Reruns, I might add, that only seem to get better with wear like some old leather wingback chair. These re-runs reveal the layers of TV evolution, as we move from standard 4.3, to hi definition widescreen. You can also date the show by the inclusion or absence of the Twin Towers, which departed the title sequence in 2002. I must mention that I don't fast forward Tony in the programme itself, just in the title sequence.

A title sequence is a challenge to the fast-forwarder and more so to the maker of the title sequence. The Sopranos opener, which follows Tony on his drive home, is one of the best, but now after a million views I usually thumb my way through it. Likewise Game of Thrones which comes with a clever map thingy that allows you to see all the suburbs and get a handle on where all the murderous buggers live, but after 10 times the fast-forward is a given. True Detective's title sequence was such a work of art that I never skipped it, waiting in anticipation for the most sublime multiple exposures to reveal themselves over the music of The Handsome Family. Call it the title sequence of the year. Breaking Bad for all it's charms went with a short and sweet approach to the title sequence, functional, simple and forgettable.

My fast-forward thumb is always at the ready when watching recorded rugby, as I've been doing during the recent All Blacks UK tour. The build up can be tolerated in the live setting but a solid session of x30 is called for when it's not. How my depressed thumb aches as the stadium fills and men in tight suits talk their heads off. But I fight the pain and push on through, stopping only for the Maori part of God Defend NZ. Some reckon we should ditch the Haka, but for me the English language part of our national dirge is intolerable, and so my thumb feels the tingle, arches it's back and dispatches the lifeless words to a blur.

They say the most important organ in the sexual act is the brain. For TV viewing the frontal cortex can take the day off, the cerebellum can take a hike. The thumbs, they are the ones, opposable, glorious, dexterous thumbs.

*Research conducted at the Casserly Institute, which is a bit like the Pond's Institute although it's really just a couch, a TV and a shelf with nibbles on it.

- nzherald.co.nz