KEY POINTS:
His self-esteem's been lower than a snake's belly for months, so a little bit of lovin' might be just what troubled actor Owen Wilson needs.
Word has it that Dukes of Hazzard damsel Jessica Simpson has set her sights on ensnaring beleaguered Wilson, and the two are said to be getting on like a house on fire.
She and Wilson have been spotted out on a hot date in Los Angeles, Star Magazine reports.
The pair allegedly dined at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica this week before nipping off to Wilson's Malibu for a bit of desert.
"He couldn't keep his hands off her," says a close friend of Wilson's to the magazine.
The pair are said to have hooked up after appearing in a Willie Nelson video earlier this month, and have been inseparable since.
I can imagine Simpson being a fabulous anti-depressant: she's got the IQ of a mullet and will make you look effortlessly cool and intelligent next to her.
But we all know it won't last...this is a mercy fling, if ever there was one.
Maximus Porkus
Naughty Russell Crowe's been at the pies again.
The porky actor (see pic below) has ballooned since his stellar turn as the swords and sandals hero in epic Gladiator, and it's got so bad, it's affecting his career.
Crowe is currently lensing the flick Body of Lies with director buddy Ridley Scott, and the Aussie actor's weight has been a bit of an issue.
"I've shot with Russell for the past five weeks. That's why he's so sturdy-looking at the moment," explained Scott.
"He's losing weight. He was 30 pounds overweight to do the part."
I think the 30 pounds is a serious underestimate. Rusty was starting to be mistaken for a pre-op Rosie O'Donnell.
Note to Rusty: There's no way your body can ever equate to the size of your ego.
Halloween in Hollywood
Christina as a sexy spider lady, Reese as a witch, Britney as a...... sexy tiger?!!? - Check out what the stars dressed up as on Hallows eve.
Also: Britney's Halloween: One Big Party!
I want your babies!
It's a little known fact that pop diva Madonna once dated Tupac Shakur, and wanted him to father her children.
I kid you not.
According to a new book released this week, Madonna paired up with the rapper a year before he was killed in 1996.
Author Lucy O'Brien claims in her new book Madonna: Like an Icon: "In her mid-30s Madonna desperately wanted children and had various relationships with unlikely men, in the hope she would conceive."
So Madge went on a mad spree to look for a sperm donor. No big surprise there.
A close pal of the singer says in the book, "She was going out with him ... but homegirls were saying to him, 'I can't believe you're going out with a white girl,'" - so Madge was given the heave-ho.
The fabulous book also documents Madonna and Sean Penn's cliff top wedding in 1985, attended by celebrity guests and besieged by paparazzi in helicopters.
One guest recalled: "Martin Sheen was freaked out by the media helicopters. He was flinching and jerking involuntarily. He said it reminded him of filming 'Apocalypse Now' during the making of which he suffered a heart attack.
"Madonna was giving them the finger and Sean was running in the house for his shotgun."
What a charming couple the Poison Penns made.
Britney update
And so the soap opera that is Britney continues apace.
Brit Brit is now at the centre of yet another controversy - this time over allegations that she let some bloke snort cocaine off her chest during a party.
Guitarist Scott Kohler, 29, has revealed to US magazine In Touch that the singer invited him and ten other people to her Hollywood mansion - on the day she lost visitation rights to her children.
Kohler claims Brits downed vodka, stripped to her panties and said:
"Let's get in the Jacuzzi."
Now here's the debauched bit.
Kohler also claims that one bloke offered Britney some cocaine and "joked he wanted to do a line off her chest, and she agreed."
Bizarrely, the guy maintains that Brits "seemed drunk" and took coke herself, but still passed a court-ordered drug test the next day.
This story sounds like hogwash to me.
Ageing badly
Check out at Angelina Jolie's veiny hands - they look worse than Madonna's.
See, even the most beautiful woman in the world has issues.
Nice anatomy
Steamy Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey didn't just roll out of bed one day looking like a Greek God, you know.
Dempsey was recently papped after a workout at a gym in Los Angeles this week, and the stubbly actor with healing hands looked as fit as ever.
Click here for a drool.
Form an orderly queue boys and girls.
Filthy scandal of the week
Dog the Bounty Hunter star Duane "Dog" Chapman is at the centre of a major stink for making racist slurs in a telephone call to his son - which was taped and then leaked to the National Enquirer.
The said tape has Chapman making a litany of racial remarks about his son's girlfriend, who is black.
You can guess the rest.
The TV network who owns his show has announced: "We take this matter very seriously. Pending an investigation, we have suspended production on the series. When the inquiry is concluded we will take appropriate action."
Chapman has also made a statement. Click here to read it.
Click here to listen to his foul-mouthed and sickening tirade. *But be warned, the audio clip contains strong and offensive language*
We love you, Mel!
Mel Gibson has gone and alienated his fans - both of them.
Here's a video clip of the anti-Semitic actor snubbing his fans and refusing to give them an autograph.
Gibson has a fierce reputation for being a serial autograph snubber, but his behavior here is just plan ignorant.
Hasta la vista, diva!
It's no big secret that Jennifer Lopez has a reputation for being a bit of a bitch.
Well, it now looks as if karma has caught up with her.
My moles tell me that La Lopez is in the proverbial with her record company, Epic. Things are so bad they're rumored to be on the verge of dropping her.
I reported last month that Lopez's new album sold only 53,000 copies in its first week, and sales have been dwindling since.
The bottom line is that Lopez is no longer a bankable star, and she's making a loss as far as the record company is concerned. - Source
Tomkat
Here's indisputable evidence that Tom Cruise and Katie Homes are infact the same person.
Chill out
Joaquin Phoenix clearly had a bowl of bitchy for breakfast this week.
The grumpy actor did not take kindly to a comment that his co-star Eva Mendes made that working with him on the set of We Own the Night was "kind of like working with a puppy dog or a two-year-old."
Joaquin failed to see the funny side and wasted no time in retaliating.
In an interview with Playboy magazine the star says, "Had I known I was supposed to be a puppy dog, I would have been much more cute and more consistently attentive. My apologies, Eva, but I had a few other scenes that you weren't in. This puppy dog had a lot of work to do."
Ooooh, handbags at dawn!
Something for the weekend...
Completely random video clip of some bloke dressed in a Storm trooper outfit dancing on the streets of Tokyo. It's genius.
See you Monday, folks.
Fast gossip
* Sienna Miller's slippery nipple: Egotastic
* Kiefer Sutherland doesn't do autographs: Geno's World
* Amy Winehouse's man looks like he's dead: GB
* J-Lo's new movie is going straight to video: Celebslam
