On screen: The odd couple

Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg will feature together in their new TV show Martha & Snoop's Potluck Dinner Party.

Nobody, surely, could ever have sat down and thought Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart would work well together in any sort of show, let alone a cooking show. But presumably somebody did, because here we are.

Surely, neither of the stars really needs the attention or the cash, and it's hard to believe they've got mad love for each other, but sometimes, to make real magic happen, you've just got to ask the question, "What's the worst thing you can imagine?" and then try to make that thing a reality, because you just never know.

We wondered what the New Zealand equivalent of Martha and Snoop might be, cast our net across the celebrity spectrum, and came up with some really terrible ideas:

Gareth Morgan and Kelvin Cruickshank

New Zealand doesn't really have anyone with Snoop Dogg's combination of weed credentials, obscene wealth and pop culture significance, but Gareth Morgan is not a bad surrogate. The iconic moustache, the motorbikes, the fact he lived in a bus for several years - let's just say it's no great wonder cannabis reform is one of his political party's key election platforms. Pound for pound, he's the most Snoop-like celebrity in New Zealand right now, if you take away his nerdy chitchat about the importance of soundly researched policy, which you can't, because it's endless.

Television psychic and early 2000s-haired middle-aged man-dish Kelvin Cruickshank is a sort of anti-Morgan, at least in so far as it's difficult to imagine Morgan talking to dead people, and Cruickshank talking to Winston Peters. The great thing about this show is that everybody's forced to do things they don't want to.

Pros: Endless conflict, conversations with dead people, very bad men's fashion.
Cons: Overwhelmingly white and male, nobody on the show can cook.
Guest judges: Winston Peters, Rob Muldoon.

Levi Hawken and Allyson Gofton

Nek Minnit and Food in a Minute are brands that are compatible in more ways than one: They are both about a 60-second period in which one thing is transformed into another thing, and they are both long dead. But while Food in a Minute's Allyson Gofton lives the life romantique with her family in a small French village, meaning her specialty will be pretension and condescension, Nek Minnit founder Levi Hawken continues to live a life centred on high speed downhill skateboard accidents, meaning his specialty will be soup. He will be contractually obligated to use his famous catchphrase every time something looks like it's about to go wrong, which will be constantly. Gofton will be required to say it at least thrice every show too, because there's unlikely to be much else going on.

Bill English and a selection of canned goods

The slow TV movement really took off in 2009 with a seven-hour depiction of a train voyage across Norway, but it will reach its zenith with repeated half-hour episodes of the PM arranging low-grade canned foods on pizza bases. He'll be the sole judge of the resulting output, thanks.

Ali Williams and Dean Brettschneider

Former rugby player Williams is famous for his use of a white powder that costs a lot of dough, while internationally successful baker Brettschneider is famous for his use of a white powder that makes a lot of dough. Beyond that one rock solid gag, which will get us five seconds in, this combo doesn't have a whole lot going for it. Brettschneider is not a big name, while Williams was known in rugby circles for being a real laugh - in rugby circles.

Guest judge: The French justice system.
Chances of getting beyond a pilot: Zero.

Marc Ellis and Annabel Langbein

Ellis is famous for buying ecstasy and being drunk on TV, while Langbein, with her clean cut image, ready smile and ever-growing pile of cash, is the closest thing we have to a Martha Stewart-like mother of the nation-type figure.

Pros: Langbein.
Cons: Ellis.

Todd Barclay and a rotating cast of representatives from new zealand's commercial breadmakers

The show's recurring gag will be Barclay leaving bread too long in the toaster, with the live studio audience encouraged to shout the show's catchphrase, "Your toast!"

Guest judges: Bill English, Steven Joyce, the people of Clutha-Southland.
Cons: Season must end September.
Pros: Season must end September.

Karl Urban and Chelsea Winter

New Zealand's two most attractive people, this is not an unlikely pairing at all. In fact, this is just a reminder to television executives looking for ideas that this option is still on the table. Entertainment value will probably be low, but crackling sexual tension will be high. Every episode will conclude with the pair eating, without cutlery, from the same bowl of spaghetti bolognese.

Guest judges: The pair's respective long-term partners, who will be restrained and forced to watch.