KEY POINTS:
When you're hosting a party, as I am this week, there's only one rule to follow: steal the spotlight and steal it well. All good in theory, but when it's winter and you're carrying a few more kilos than you'd like, that spotlight better be bloody wide.
The party frock is sitting snugger than I remember it when I tried it on in the fitting room. A lot more snug. And not in that Emily-I'm-all-cutesy-gorgeous-woman-Barclay way where her bosoms pert like a couple of juicy cantaloupe. Mine look more like a couple of molten boulders spilling forth from Mt Vesuvius in aforementioned frock.
Drastic times call for drastic measures. I rounded the troops for a quick fix strategy.
The former model suggested a colonic irrigation. Apparently it's all the rage with the mannequins before Fashion Week.
The gym bunny suggested prunes and health store diuretics.
The teetotaller suggested cutting out all alcohol (as if!)
The E! Channel addict name-dropped some non-invasive procedures all the celebs in Hollywood are apparently committed to.
The gay man suggested going nil by mouth 'til D-Day. Large gulps of air and pints of tap water. The Posh Diet, he called it. "It's the hottest trend at the Priory." For the anorexics, I blurted! And aren't they going to rehab to be force-fed food? "Darling," he said, faking sincerity, "you're a long way from an intravenous drip."
I wanted to phone Rachel Hunter in LA. She was crucified in the press two weeks ago for stacking on the pounds when she appeared as a contestant on the US reality show Celebrity Circus. Then last week, just like magic, she appeared back to an almost-svelte figure. Bloating begone. The critics raved. Pity it was the week she was dumped from the show. She left blubbering - but, on the bright side, with evidently less blubber. How'd she do it?
Unlike Rach, who's employed for her looks and knows all the tricks of the trade, I'm just a lowly hack on a paltry journo's wage. If plastic surgery was an option (it's not, because I detest it), I could probably only afford lipo one thigh at a time.
I even contemplated ringing an ex who had serious body image issues when we dated (I imagine he still has) for a guilt-ridden rark-up about food and why to avoid it. The ex was thin, but not quite Adam Rickitt thin. I've always fancied long, lean, lanky men, probably because I'm not.
I decided the best course of action was to be comfortable in my own skin. I didn't need a colonic; I didn't need diuretics; I didn't need to starve myself; and I certainly didn't need a man to criticise my appearance and make me feel bad about myself. That's no man's right.
No, the best solution, I decided, was to put on the dress, throw my shoulders back and be confident and comfortable with me. Embrace my outer curviness. And that's what I'm planning on doing. Wish me luck.
Two gay priests and Te Awamutu woman in Hamilton love triangle
The New Zealand priest at the centre of the gay marriage uproar in London two months ago is causing a few more waves back home.
The Reverend David Lord, 28, a Kiwi from Hamilton, exchanged vows with the Reverend Peter Cowell, 50, in a service at St Bartholomew the Great church in London. The civil partnership made headlines around the world.
While it is officially against Anglican church rules, the lavish marriage ceremony - including a horse and carriage and a seven-tier wedding cake - is reportedly now the subject of an inquiry by the Bishop of London.
Lord - now a doctor at Waikato Hospital's emergency department after resigning from the priesthood, and a former Mr Gay Auckland in 2003 - left a broken-hearted local lass who, last week, told UK newspaper The Daily Mail she was Lord's girlfriend while he was studying to be a priest and she didn't realise he was gay.
Alice Gower, 32, who lives in Te Awamutu with her husband and baby, told the paper she sang an operatic aria at her boyfriend's ordination ceremony at the Cathedral Church of St Peter in Hamilton in 2005. The Rev Cowell attended the service and witnessed Lord's entry into the ranks of the clergy.
Gower recalls freezing on the steps of the church when she first realised her boyfriend, then 25, and the middle-aged British priest were in love. She told the Mail she feels hurt and humiliated.
"I do feel used. The whole thing was a lie. It was terribly convenient for him to have a woman there so he could look like he was straight for the church while he trained to be a priest ... my worldly side says it was all a scam, that he manipulated me to convince the church he was a straight man and that there was nothing to stop him being ordained."
Gower insists there had been nothing at the start of their relationship to suggest that David was gay. Later she found out he had once lived with a boyfriend and had won the Mr Gay Auckland title.
"But in Hamilton," she said, "he wasn't 'out', not with me, not with the church and not at the hospital where he worked. I think he had fears that it would hurt his career."
Party of the Year ticket winner
Congratulations to Fiona Tarlton of Orakei. She was the first person to email our mailbox yesterday successfully beating out all the others to win two tickets to the exclusive Spy Society Party at The Wharf on Thursday night. We'll be in touch.
Rachel Glucina
