A scene from the movie Terminator Genisys. Photo / AP
A scene from the movie Terminator Genisys. Photo / AP
His hand doesn't work properly, his jokes are worse than your dad's, and in one hilarious scene, he has to jolt his dislocated knee back into place. If there's a hospice for cyborg killers, Arnie's T-800 deserves to be there.
He wisely skipped the last one but 67-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger is back for Terminator Genisys, and Thor: The Dark World director Alan Taylor's film takes every opportunity to take pot shots at his age. "I'm old - not obsolete" is how Arnie puts it.
It's as good a metaphor as any for the Terminator franchise, which has taken knock after knock with two lame-bot sequels to two classic films, as well as a TV show cancelled just as it was getting good.
Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator in Terminator Genisys. Photo / AP
Terminator fans deserve a decent reboot, and this one promises to to be different. Arnie's back and chewing up scenery, Game of Thrones' Emilia Clarke is on a roll, and the trailers promise plenty of mechanised carnage. The film's big twist - we won't spoil but it's in the trailers - promises to rip up the rule book and rewrite everything you know about Terminator's timelines.
Sadly, it doesn't. Genisys is the movie version of those greatest hits albums your favourite legacy band delivers every Christmas. It's a highlights package that repeats Arnie's best jokes, reappraises key scenes, confuses more than it surprises, and does little more than remind you how good Terminator once was.
Jason Clarke as John Connor and Jai Courtney as Kyle Reese in Terminator Genisys.
It doesn't help that it comes with a plot so convoluted you shouldn't trust anyone who claims they understand it. It flashes forward to 2029 to show John Connor's rebels destroying evil online overlords Skynet, then flashes back to 1984 so wingman Kyle Rees (Jai Courtney) can protect his mother Sarah Connor (Clarke) from one of Skynet's Terminators.
When he gets there, Rees finds Arnie's T-800 is already there - and has even been given a nickname. So they head to 2017, which is where things start getting really complicated. Again, we won't spoil, but there's an incredibly awkward family reunion between all of the Connors that sets up the film's second half.
A scene from the movie Terminator Genisys.
This stop-start-explain pacing means Genisys can't find any kind of rhythm. It has none of the hand-wringing tension of 1984's The Terminator, or the brilliantly original action sequences of 1991's Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Instead, it's a grab-bag of average car chases, shoot outs and a ridiculous helicopter climax. Taylor enjoys destroying the Golden Gate bridge so much, he does it twice.
All the best bits are all in the first half-hour: Skynet's destruction is an explosive set piece, Rees' battle with a maniacal bot under some bleachers will leave you sweating, and watching young Arnie fight it out with old Arnie is short but inspired.
A scene from the movie Terminator Genisys.
They leave you hoping the rest of the film might recover - but it never does. A hidden scene in the credits hints at a Marvel-type sequel, but until then, the Terminator franchise remains a lumbering relic from the past.
Director: Alan Taylor Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Clarke, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney, Lee Byung-hun, JK Simmons Time: 126 minutes Rating: M - Violence and offensive language Stars: Two Verdict: Arnie's back - and that's about it
