More foxy than foxtrot

Tamati Coffey and Samantha Hitchcock perform the rumba. Photo / Supplied

We're getting warmed up for the grand finale of the fourth series of Dancing with the Stars, but it's only now I get what this show is about. S-e-x.

Last year I reviewed the third dance-off, won by Temepara George, and was perplexed as to why anyone would want to watch amateur ballroom dancing. It's not much chop to watch when done by pros, but utterly mad when done by civilians. Yet with this series, featuring a bottom-feeding cast of jocks, D-list schlebs and ageing crooners, the point of the show has become clear. We are there to see our celebrities learn to va-va-voom, not to dance.

Unlike say, the French, our nation is more sporty than sensual. Our heroes are muscle-bound, rugger players and tendon-popping athletes. And the only way to unearth some eroticism in our heroes is if it's presented as a sports competition. Hence, the popularity of Dancing with the Stars. Even then, it is very hard going.

"We're still missing that gooey sexiness from Barbara Kendall," said judge Craig Revel Horwood after one of the board sailor's dances.

"Oh, I think we're talking oozy," said Brendan Cole the following week.

"Dance is telling a story and that's a saucy story ... I think we had a bit of an ooze going on finally - you seemed comfortable with your sensual side out there," said host dancer Candy Lane.

Kendall responded, "Not many people see that. Only my husband."

Rugger player Josh Kronfeld had the same problem trying to get in touch with his inner sex god.

"I thought the tie did all the work. That lacked any real passion," judge Revel Horwood snorted. "I should have worn a different tie," Kronfeld harrumphed.

The judges say things like, "This competition is really about finding something in yourself ..." How strange for a show that is all about sex appeal - the women seemed to be wearing frippery with see-through straps that made their fat blob over the top like a back muffin.

Tamati Coffey, kept getting put in huge Laurel and Hardy trousers. And Kronfeld's American dancing partner, Rachel Burstein, seemed to be wearing a Gothic horse blanket for the tango. No wonder they got turfed out. Kronfeld was voted off at the end of his "incredible journey", leaving Kendall up against Coffey in this week's grand finale.

But no matter how hard we try to be titillating, our stars' idea of risque could win the Bad Sex Award. "That dance was like windsurfing across the water and Jonny was my sail," Kendall said.

Kronfeld's parting shot: "It's been a hoot. But I'll be going surfing this week."

* Dancing With The Stars, grand finale, TV One, April 21, 8.30pm.