It is not that they look particularly alike, but they spend so much time in each other's company that they do tend to have the same thoughts - usually very silly thoughts - which is presumably why they work as a duo.
But trying to interview them together is like trying to interview fraternal twins who share, as they said, one brain. They like to pretend to be a bit thick, which is a shtick, although they claim to be barely able to read. Jono, who is more laidback (by a slender margin; they are both ridiculously hard-working because, as they say, they have to be while there is work to be had) claims to have read only one book in his life. This was when he was 8; it was Roald Dahl's The Witches. I do believe that.
I said I'd have to give them name tags and that they could provide the details for each other's. Jono's read: Bald, White, Pasty. Ben's read: Annoying, with Hair (age 13 and a half), to which I later added: Cheesy.
They are very good-natured and huggy and far too perky for me at that hour. And, can anyone be funny at 8.30am? I said, grumpily. Jono (I think) said: "We're not funny at any time really." Ben (I think) said that they might be a bit funny at 10pm, because "hopefully people would have had a few drinks". Their TV show is billed as satirical news and entertainment and it consists of taking pot shots at people - mostly Paul Henry, and usually themselves - and doing madcap stunts. This is also what they do on their radio show.
They go to great lengths to do their stunts and this year went to Madrid to do something idiotic called bull jumping. They were both supposed to hold a cape (and their nerve) while a bad-tempered bull (not Paul Henry) rushed them. What actually happened was that Ben came over all wimpy and ran off leaving Jono to hold the cape alone.
"He stitched me up," said Jono. "I'm not a good wing-man, but it was a great TV sequence," said Ben.
They also talked their way on to the Graham Norton show, in the red chair slot. Ben got tipped backwards immediately; Jono survived to tell his story about helpfully putting eye drops in his granddad's eye but mistakenly using super glue. But he was tipped backwards anyway, as punishment. I thought this must have been jacked up and it was, a bit. They were told they could go in the red chair but that there was no guarantee they'd make the final cut. I wondered what Graham Norton thought about being used to boost the ratings for some show in New Zealand and they said they were pretty sure he had no idea what they were doing there.
They were terribly excited about being in the same room as Tom Cruise and Seth MacFarlane and Coldplay. I said something rude about Coldplay (it's obligatory) and Ben (I think) said: "Ha, ha. Yeah, depressing old Coldplay. We tried to cheer them up!"
You are, by the way, told to kick your legs about in the air when you're tipped out of the red chair, to make it look more dramatic. They were, if possible, even more excited about the woman before them getting stuck in the chair than they were about the celebrities. It's quite endearing that they do still get excited about celebrities, especially, they said, overseas movie stars. This is also completely incomprehensible when it comes to Jono because he never watches movies. Ben claims Jono thought The Hunger Games was about some very hungry people. But hang on, their shows are supposed to be about popular culture and they do skits based on movies! They just show him the trailers, Ben said.
A weird Jono fact, supplied by Ben: He's very hungry. He doesn't eat all day then goes home and eats cheese and crackers and chips for an hour and a half, then has his tea. He said: "I've trained my body not to eat." Ben said: "Trained his body! He's a highly trained athlete." This was completely stupid. He said: "You sound like my mother. You're looking at me as if I'm a weirdo."
He is a bogan, as well, according to Ben. He'd got dressed up for the interview - you can judge the extent of his idea of dressing up from the photograph. He'd be happy, said Ben, "wearing the same Iron Maiden T-shirt seven days in a row". Ben was more of a "metrosexual", he said. This made Jono snort, quite loudly.
Ben is more sociable than Jono but that is not saying much. He at least goes out, sometimes, whereas Jono only does if forced to and then he is fairly hopeless. "I'm a bit awkward. I just say stupid shit." Such as? "Probably everything in this interview."
They both have tattoos. I wish I hadn't asked. Jono unbuttoned his shirt to show me the one on his chest which is of a tiger fighting a serpent. Ben said: "No. Don't show her that." Ben might be the more sensible one.
I asked Jono why on earth he had wanted a tiger fighting a serpent on his chest and he said: "Bad life decisions, Michele." Ben said that, actually, "he doesn't like to cause a scene so he goes to the tattooist who says: 'I've drawn this tiger fighting a serpent. What do you think?' And he goes, 'Yeah! Biff it on'." Later Jono decided to show me the (non-existent) rolls of fat on his stomach to prove that Ben was vainer than him because Ben went to the gym. I don't know why he put a teaspoon in his sock, and neither did he.
Ben's tattoos. "Well, I've got cute ones, which is not a good look." He has one daughter's hand print and the other's foot print and the date of his engagement, in Roman numerals, because he and his wife got engaged in Rome. I added that was "cheesy". I may also have rolled my eyes and muttered something about this being pretentious. Well, they do spend their life being rude about other people. I figured they could handle a bit of eye rolling. Would it help if they cried? they said. Did people often cry? What did I do when people cried? Ignored them, I said. What could they do to get a good interview? Were they disappointing me? Ben: "You look disappointed." Jono: "You do. We're constantly disappointing you." It was like interviewing Chris Martin, and his twin brother, except, perhaps for the spoon in the sock.
They say their public personalities are more amplified than their private ones. Jono said: "I mean, I'm not going to go around to his house on the weekend and pull his pants down. There is an off button."
Were they disappointing me again? Perhaps they could make up some spicy stories? I can't now (and just as well) sort out whose mother was (not, obviously) a prostitute - "But she had a heart of gold" - and whose mother was an equally fictional drug addict. Neither, obviously, was the answer. I hope they both get a good whack on the behind with a wooden spoon next time they go home.
They are both in their 30s and so should know better. But being very silly is their job. What a peculiar job they have. They are both nice middle-class boys who do, really, love their mums who must be used to them playing up in public. They are successful and clever and driven and, I think, probably fairly conservative, really. They are both a bit sensitive, not in a precious way - they have a fear of becoming "wankers" - and they worry about hurting people's feelings. A bit. They certainly carried on about how I was hurting their feelings.
They are not particularly blokey, despite Ben being sports mad and Jono's only hobbies being mowing his lawn and drinking beer. Their audience, they said, is: "Barry. He's got a mullet and is from Palmerston North."
They have a sidekick, on the TV show, who is Guy Williams who gets to say the really mean stuff, including about them. I had a silly stunt. I pretended that I'd wanted to interview him, but that he wasn't available so I was stuck with them - but that all my questions were about Guy Williams. They pretended to be huffy about this and said I should have my own show, with Guy Williams. Jono said: "Michele and Guy Williams rip New Zealand to shreds." They thought this would be a nice interview, they complained. So they were funny, even at 8.30am.
Another day, another stunt. They went to the races in Christchurch for Cup Day in their underpants. The stunt was that they had to talk people into giving them items of clothing so that they could then enter Fashion in the Field. Predictably, they got a lot of bras. I asked: How do you arrive at being the sort of person who's comfortable going on television in your underpants, exactly? Ben said: "I don't know how you arrive at that! Sometimes we have moments when we're standing in a dress, or our underpants and we'll look at each other and go: 'What are we doing with our lives'?"
That was a good question. I belatedly thought of a good answer: "I have no idea. But have you got Guy Williams' phone number?" But that would have been mean. I did hope they'd have been meaner, but they're nice lads at heart. And I've now sorted out which is which. Jono's the one who likes taking his clothes off in interviews. I think. I did have my notebook over my eyes at the time.
