KEY POINTS:
It's a prospect that's so terrifying it defies belief, but someone has suggested to Paris Hilton that she might want to consider being alive for a few thousand years.
While most of us would like to see her pack her bags and shuffle off to some distant uninhabited planet, Paris has other plans and has allegedly bough a substantial amount of shares in the Cryonics Institution in Michigan.
Some twisted soul has sat Paris down and evangelized about the virtues of being cryogenically frozen, so much so that being shrink-wrapped and iced like a Popsicle is all that Paris can talk about. She said:
"Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced... if you're immediately cooled you can be perfectly preserved."
This basically means that her wonky eye and bad fashion sense will be around for future generations to snigger at.
She babbled on:
"My life could extend by hundreds of thousands of years!"
Be afraid, be very afraid.
I say we all pray for the onset of global warming right away and kick the power cable to her fridge once she's popped her clogs.
Mel C says 'I'm not gay'
Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm has hit back at rumours of lesbianism that have overshadowed her career for years.
Despite being hooked up with the same man for the best part of five years, several quarters insist that her boyfriend Thomas Starr is a beard and that Mel is in fact a lesbitarian.
Melanie shares her thoughts in the latest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine.
"At first that [the lesbian rumours] made me laugh because it wasn't something that ever crossed my mind.
"And then it kind of p***** me off when I thought, 'Because I have short hair and am quite muscular with a few tattoos, am I the stereotypical lesbian?'"
Erm, yes you are, now that you mention it. It's probably the dungarees and hairy armpits that set the rumour mill in motion.
"I don't think it did me any harm. I've always had a huge lesbian and gay following."
Exactly, what could possibly be bad about being followed by huge gays?
The outing
The biggest bombshell of the week has to be news that Harry Potter's Dumbledore bats for the other team.
Author J.K Rowling stunned the world with her announcement to a packed house in New York's Carnegie Hall, as part of her US book tour.
When asked by an audience member if Dumbledore "found true love", Rowling said, "Dumbledore is gay," adding he was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, who he beat in a battle between good and bad wizards long ago.
The shocked audience gasped, then applauded. "I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy," she added.
Yes, she should have told us sooner.
No, I'm not saying that Dumbledore should have been portrayed as some stereotypically flamboyant, screaming queen with a penchant for interior design - I see him more as a hairy bear to be honest, especially with that rug under his chin - but at least acknowledge his sexuality in the books.
If you ask me, my money's on The Lord of The Rings' Gandalf announcing next that he's a Friend of Dorothy - he's as camp as a picnic basket.
Anyway, hurray for Dumbledore and his love of the magic wand!
Yes, more Britney
I share your pain, I really do, but I have to share my Britney news with you.
We all know that Unfitney reportedly ran over a paparazzo's foot last week while leaving a clinic to get her lips inflated.
Well, the Toxic star was later seen crying and putting her hands over her swollen mouth, feigning shock.
Watch video footage of the incident here.
Britney, being the good Samaritan that she is, drove off without asking if the guy's foot was intact or still attached to his body.
Beverly Hills police said no one has filed a report yet.
What Britney would look like if she were an alien.
Fashion police
Sarah Jessica Parker has been spotted wearing an outfit that looks like it's been put together by an insane person on crack.
Take a peek at these pics of Parker filming winter scenes for Sex in the City: the Movie in NYC.
Just say no
Scientology stalwart Tom Cruise has been hailed as 'the chosen one' by fellow Sci-fanatics, but now he's taking things to another level by allegedly inflicting his beliefs on daughter Suri.
Word has it that Tom is determined to bring Suri up by the rules of Scientology, even if the rules mean she can run wild like a demented hyena, trash the house and scream like a banshee when she doesn't get her own way.
Scientology rules state that it's wrong to tell a child off if they misbehave. It's far better to remind them that they are displaying "the wrong behaviour", which means that La La Land (aka Hollywood) will soon be overrun with spoilt brats in need of discipline.
A source revealed to US Weekly magazine:
"Tom and Katie have a hard time saying no to Suri. It's all about being positive and supportive. Scientology advises parents to try to be the child's friend. They don't scold their children, but instead explain that bad behavior is the 'wrong action.".
Diana engaged?
The British inquest into Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed's deaths is in full swing, and this latest tidbit provides some food for thought.
The inquest has produced a receipt for a "bague fiancaille" (a.k.a. "engagement ring") which was bought by Dodi the day of his and Diana's fatal car accident in 1997.
Have a look for yourselves here.
Just the job
Here's what US President George Bush will be doing at the end of his presidency in 2008.
Fast gossip
* What Pamela Anderson looks like without make-up.
* A plastic looking Joss Stone: Dlisted
* Hilary Duff wearing one heck of a short skirt: Popoholic
* Claire Danes is odd: IDLYITW
Vince Vaughn's nose hair is gross: Just Jared
