The number one goal of all reality shows is simple: destroy as many reputations as possible.
Extra points if one of the reputations belongs to someone famous.
That's exactly what Channel 7's Big Brother VIP is aiming for. Maybe you've heard of the show's biggest star? Goes by the name Meghan Markle.
From the very first episode, the runaway duchess unwittingly became the most famous housemate and she's not even in the mansion. Her weird half-brother Thomas Markle Jr – who has made a career out of sledging his famous sister in the press – is one of the big-name recruits. And, simply by association, Meghan has also become a sorta-contestant.
The only thing worse than being a Big Brother housemate? Being on the outside and getting trash-talked by Big Brother housemates.
Meghan's the main topic of conversation. Her entire identity has been hijacked and is being used to sell one of the world's tackiest TV shows. This is not what she had in mind when she left the royal family to begin her new sophisticated life of independence. She certainly didn't ditch that dusty old Frogmore Cottage to end up in the Big Brother crap shack.
But that's where she's found herself. It's a fall from grace no one saw coming.
Since the series kicked off two weeks ago, Thomas Markle Jr has been rehashing all the dirt. Producers know exactly what they're doing and they're not even trying to hide their manipulative tricks. Their plan is simple: Lock Thomas in a house, point a camera at him, and lead him into situations where he has to trash-talk Meghan.
What kinda stuff is he saying about her? Anything. Doesn't really matter. Thomas could simply recount a distant memory from when he and Meghan went through a Maccas drive-thru together and she sassed one of the attendants for giving her regular Coke instead of Diet. That'd be one for the promo.
Barely any of the stuff he's saying is new. He has been playing all his greatest hits – regurgitating the rubbish he's spewed to the tabloids over the years.
You'll remember the classics. He opened with the foot-stomping crowd-pleaser "Money and Fame Just Went To Her Head" before taking things down a notch and transitioning into an intimate rendition of "She Won't Even Pick Up The Phone and Call My Father". Of course, for the encore, he whipped out a fan favourite: "She Just Walked All Over Him (and Harry's next)".
With zero subtlety, producers have even coaxed Thomas into writing a Part II to the insult-laden letter he famously sent Prince Harry before the royal wedding — the one where he warned the Duke to ditch the actress.
Thomas Markle Jr's truly personal moment. Photo / Supplied
"When your relationship with Harry became known to the world, my life then became public," he read the new companion letter aloud to TV cameras in the Big Brother Diary Room, without a hint of irony.
"I, along with everyone in our family, became public figures overnight – no more privacy. And let me tell you it was very stressful to have to deal with all along with no help at all.
"I wish I could turn back the clock and do it all over knowing what I know now. I never would have tried to communicate any of my feelings in the media. I feel like a complete ass for what I have done and I'm truly sorry for that."
It's an unusually enjoyable experience watching Thomas Markle repeatedly contradict himself, sentence by sentence.
And because a circus can never have too many clowns, this week producers gathered everyone in the living room and played a prerecorded video message from Thomas Markle Sr, congratulating his son.
It was a really sweet moment. Nothing brings two family members together quite like the mutual hatred of another family member.
On a more serious note, there's nothing scarier than a six-foot projection of Meghan Markle's bitter dad beaming into your living room without warning.
Even a senior figure in the Markle family could not stay away. Photo / Supplied
Thomas Markle Jr has done what he came to do. His job requirements have been fulfilled and now it's time to find a new gig. He's got a bright future ahead of him as a reality TV starlet. The opportunities are endless: Dancing With The Stars, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, SAS: Australia.
He's a true reality star. And, by extension, so is Meghan.
