KEY POINTS:
Macca Vs Mucca: the war is over.
After a week of legal wrangling and tense confrontation, Heather Mills is reported to have finally managed to get her mitts on a slice of ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney's fortune.
While my moles tell me that the pair will return to court today to wrap things up, various news sources say the deal has already been struck.
Mills, 40, is set to walk away with a whopping 55 million (NZ$160 million) after Macca reportedly buckled and gave in to his estranged wife's incessant demands during their divorce proceedings.
Victorious Mucca (so-called because of her alleged porn dabbling in the past) will receive an initial $20 million (NZ$50 million) lump sum payment, with further 2.5 million (NZ$6 million) yearly payments until their four-year-old daughter Beatrice reaches 18.
As well as the dough, Mucca is reported to have wrangled an agreement whereby she and daughter Beatrice will be protected by a round-the-clock four man security team.
Oh, and she'll get her own housekeeper, nanny, personal trainer and travel budget.
Macca will also settle Mills' outstanding 2 million legal bill with law firm Mischon de Reya.
And he will clear the 2.2 million overdraft with Coutts Bank that she ran up soon after their split in May 2006.
But, and there is a big but...
Mucca's lips will have to remain sealed as far as discussing details of her legendary marriage to Macca is concerned.
So no docos, no backstab-and-tell news articles - Mucca will have to learn to give it a bone.
Mucca, who was photographed leaving court on Friday with a wry smile on her face, reportedly held an "up-yours" celebration party last night to celebrate her windfall, according to the News of the World (yes, I know).
The tabloid reports that the former model and philanthropist wanted to toast her triumph at a bash for family and friends at a secret location.
A source said: "The party was a big thank you to all the people who stuck by her. It was also a final dig at Paul-who spent months telling her she wouldn't get his money.
"He was optimistic the payout would be low, and this settlement would have hit him hard. But Heather always felt she deserved a huge payout."
So there you have it: Macca's not as tight as you thought he was after all.
And if this battle's proved anything beyond acrimony and greed, it's reinforced my belief in the old adage that men may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.
Sources: people.com, mirror.co.uk, Newsoftheworld.co.uk
Mansinthe Manson
Bug-eyed rocker Marilyn Manson has released his own brand of booze.
No, it's not a Martini laced with virgin's blood, but a type of absinthe which the singer saw fit to tinker with and turn into what some are calling "vile and disgusting".
Yes, much like Manson himself, the tipple has proven to be over-hyped and downright nasty.
The imaginatively titled Mansinthe promised to be "brilliant, utterly dark, brooding and brilliant", but the end result is reportedly anything but.
"The Number One problem is the aroma, which some verbally compare to sewage water or swamp mud," a source says.
Just desserts if you ask me.
Famous folk need to learn that pimping their celebrity and sticking their name on any old crud does not a success make.
We're not stewpid.
Stop the horror
Bloody-Disgusting is sadly reporting that another classic horror flick is about to be butchered and "re-imagined" for a dullard Hollywood audience.
None other than Piranha is about to be re-made and turned into a 3-D movie.
Enough, already.
Cheap remakes are tackier than a VPL or a Jordan autobiography.
The travesty will be released on July 24, 2009.
Sam's in strife
Britney Spears' slimy manager Sam Lutfi is said to be under investigation by the LAPD for allegedly drugging the star, TMZ claims.
Their spies tell them Major Crimes Division of the LAPD is on the case.
The conservators granted control of Britney's estate has reportedly complained that Lutfi drugged Spears as a way of controlling her.
The website claims the investigation is "very much active".
No comment from Lutfi's camp, however.
Vagina monologue
New mum Christina Aguilera refused to give birth to baby Max the natural way - because she was petrified of the pain she'd go through.
The Dirrty singer "gave birth" via c-section last week, and has now joined the ranks of the likes of Victoria Beckham and Madonna, who are, quite frankly, far too posh to push.
Xtina tells Hello magazine: "I didn't want any surprises. Honestly, I didn't want any [vaginal] tearing."
Now that's disgusting. It's far too early in the morning to be talking about cha chas!
"I had heard horror stories of women going in and having to have an emergency C-section [anyway]. The hardest part was deciding on his birthday. I wanted to leave it up to fate, but at the same time I was ready to be done early!"
Hubby Jordan was reportedly a lot tougher when it came to wifey Xtina's south of the border activities.
"Jordan wasn't squeamish at all. He had the video camera ready to go. The most reassuring thing for me was hearing that first beautiful cry. I just welled up with tears."
No sex please, I'm prudish
Remember Gary Coleman?
He was the midg...small person from 80s cult TV show Diff'rent Strokes.
Well, the diminutive actor is now wed and back in the public eye for no apparent reason.
Here he is on The Insider being interviewed about his marriage to new bride, 22-year-old Shannon Price.
Curiously, the odd couple reveals that they have yet to consummate their marriage.
They married last August. It's now February. She must be chomping at the bit!
"It will happen when it happens," Coleman tells The Insider.
From rap to pap
God knows where rap star Eminem has been for the past few years.
Wherever he's been, he's clearly been sniffing dumb dust and conjuring up some seriously bizarre career plans.
Word has it that the star is going to become a professional wrestler.
The attention-starved rapper is hell-bent on entering the ring to prove that he's still got it.
A source says Eminem is "about 3 to 4 months away from making his debut."
"He's not doing this as a joke either, he's really committed to being a wrestler. Wait and see, he's going to be flipping [other wrestlers] and doing all that crazy s***."
Dumb Dunst
News of Kirsten Dunst's recent rehab admission may have shocked her legion of fans, but those closest to her are far from surprised.
The Spiderman actress is well respected amongst her peers for her thespian abilities, but is also renowned for her wild partying ways.
Some pals close to Dunst are blaming her 2005 split for hunky Jake Gyllenhaal for sending her over the edge and straight into the arms of hedonism.
"Jake was turned off by all the partying," a source tells Us Weekly.
The same source says that Dunst's regret over her break-up with the Brokeback Mountain star forced her to party more - and allegedly dabble in drugs.
A claim which Dunst's rep denies.
"She is not being treated for cocaine or any drug."
Hilton's faux fart
It's official: Paris Hilton is about as popular as a fart in a phone box.
Caution: this is another "suspend your disbelief story".
Trashier than trash tabloid the National Enquirer is claiming that celeb retard Hilton is in no mood to build bridges and kiss and make up with rival Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan, however, reportedly tried to make peace with Paris, and left a string of voice mails for the socialite, calling for a truce.
But Hilton was having none of it and refused to answer the rehab veteran's calls. She instead opted for a puerile retort.
"She had her assistant call Lindsay and leave fart sounds on her voice mail," a source reveals.
Hilton: Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.
One in the Nelly
Nelly Furtado is in the pudding club.
The 29-year-old singer is expecting her second child with sound engineer fiance Demacio Castellon, Star magazine reveals.
"She's not very far along yet, so she's trying to keep the pregnancy under wraps," a source says.
Face-off
It's finally on the cards.
After successfully avoiding each other like the plague for the past five years, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are set to meet face-to-face for the first time since Jen's divorce from Brad Pitt.
The face-off is set to happen at a poolside bash in Beverly Hills on February 23.
The pre-Oscars shindig lists Jen, Angie and Brad among the stellar hosts, and looks like being a tense evening for all three.
"If [Jen] backs out, she looks like a chicken. If she goes, she'll need nerves of steel," an insider tells Star magazine.
Jolie's baby joy
Stop the press: Angelina Jolie has "confirmed pregnancy rumours" by asking her reps to organise maternity leave from all forthcoming promotional duties.
Entertainmentwise.com reveals that Jolie has reportedly told producers and PR reps that she will be spending more time with Bradley Pitts and her kids after the Cannes Film Festival in May.
Despite having two films released this year - The Changeling and Kung Fu Panda - Jolie has allegedly opted out of partaking in any promotional activities.
Happy anniversary, Brit
Can you believe it's been 12 months since Britney Spears shaved her skull and proved she's loopier than a Saturn ring?
Last Friday marked the 1st anniversary of Brit Brit's head-shaving cum paparazzi umbrella attack episode.
This just in...
Amy Wino's hubby in drug overdose drama.
Fielder-Civil, who is currently behind bars in London's Pentonville Prison, was reportedly found vomiting violently and writhing in pain on the floor of his cell last week.
Sources claim Blake injected himself with heroin that was cut with a toxic substance.
And wifey Wino is supposedly on methadone to help her get through her upcoming Brits appearance.
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Fast gossip
Give me five minutes and I'll tell you everything...
* Celebrity gossip, not for wimps...: Wesmirch
* Lindsay Lohan ruined Clint Eastwood's lunch: Dlisted
* Jennifer Aniston isn't very social: Hollywood Rag
* Miley Cyrus has hairy legs: Gabby Babble
* Star Jones wants to tell you all about her vagina: Jossip
* Lily Allen spends Valentine's Day rip-roarin' drunk: Dlisted
* Kirstie Alley - fired for being too fat? popbytes
* Avril Lavigne gets photoshopped for Maxim: Hollywood Tuna
* Jane Fonda Drops the C-Word on live TV: DL
* Johnny Knoxville tore his manhood: GH
* Janet Jackson's nipple didn't do anything: ASL
* nzherald.co.nz is not responsible for the content of external websites.
