Matt Heath: My instant solution to the inflation ravaged hospo sector

Why can’t I get two teaspoons of Moccona Classic Freeze Dried dumped in a mug? Photo / Supplied

OPINION

Why can’t we get instant coffee at cafes in this country?

I have the utmost respect for baristas. I understand that coffee-making is an art.

Nothing brightens a Kiwi’s day quite like a little heart itched in milk froth. I also love the cafe environment, but like many New Zealanders, what I really want is two teaspoons of instant in some hot water.

If others wish to order a single shot coconut milk espresso macchiato with a sprinkle of cinnamon and white chocolate, go for it. No judgement here. I just want the Red Ribbon Roast instead.

New Zealand is a nation of coffee lovers, and as such many think instant drinkers have unrefined pallets.

Well, maybe so, but are flat white drinkers any better?

Our national coffee is fine, but let’s call it what it is - a latte. The dictionary definition of a latte is, ‘a type of coffee made with espresso and hot steamed milk, milkier than a cappuccino.’, while a flat white is define as: ‘A coffee originating in Australasia, made with espresso and hot steamed milk, milkier than a cappuccino’.

The same thing.

The world’s richest man recently weighed in on the issue. You may or may not agree with Elon Musk’s politics, hair plugs or how he runs Twitter, but he made a great point recently when he wrote: “A latte is just an excuse for adults to order warm milk without sounding like a baby.”.

He later conceded that “cappuccino/latte art is delightful”, but the point remains.

Flat whites and lattes are big cups of warm milk for grown ups. If they happily serve such juvenile drinks in cafes, why can’t I get two teaspoons of Moccona Classic Freeze Dried dumped in a mug?

God knows it would save our overworked baristas some time. It takes three minutes to prepare a flat white properly, including steaming the milk. An insto will take you 30 seconds.

This time saving could be a money spinner for our inflation-ravaged hospitality sector.

If a lack of credibility is the reason for this anti-instant coffee stance, I would argue there are plenty of other breaches going unchecked.

A Howick cafe owner told me she regularly serves quad shot decafs.

Not allowing instant seems a little hypocritical when 4 pointless shots of neutered Joe isn’t a problem.

The absence of instant coffee at cafes has forced me to order the next best thing.

An Americano or a long black. It doesn’t matter which. They are the same thing.

Technically it’s a “long black” when the espresso comes after the water during the preparation process and an “Americano” the other way round.

But they are both coffee, hot water and nothing else.

No messing around. Great for the waste line and great for the taste buds. Put a little milk on top if you want. But just a respectful dash. You’re not a cat; you don’t need a whole bowl.

This is not about cheapness. We instant Joe aficionados aren’t looking for a free ride.

We understand that we are not just paying for the coffee at a cafe.

They are beautiful places to meet, sit and talk. We are more than happy to pay four bucks for our coffee. There’s a good margin in that.

Hungry for an expert opinion and a cheese scone, I stopped in on the nice barista at my favourite cafe and asked her about this flat white, long black, instant coffee debate, and she told me: ‘Don’t write an article on this Matt; you clearly know nothing about it.

“Please tell people to keep ordering flat whites. Americanos and long blacks are boring; there’s no art to them; the main difference between coffees is the texture of the milk.

“There is no milk texture in an Americano or a long black. If you want an instant, make it at home. If you want something good, come here”.

I was impressed with her passion for coffee, so I ordered a Greggs Granulated Instant with some cold cream in a little jug on the side - she asked me to leave.

I could not, my scone was still being heated.

New Zealand is a nation of proud coffee lovers. It’s time that pride was extended to instant coffee drinkers too. When will our wonderful cafes, bars and restaurants wake up and offer the no-nonsense granulated self-dissolving option so many of us crave?