Matt Heath: My front-row seat to height of indecency

Radio host on Radio Hauraki and Herald columnist·NZ Herald·

7 Apr, 2019 05:00 PM4 mins to read

The joys of flying are seldom enhanced by sitting beside a well-lubricated fellow passenger.

COMMENT

There was a really drunk lady on my flight a few weeks back. I was travelling from San Fran to New York for a screening of Shazam. An entertaining, fun and action-packed super hero flick. Reviews for this drunk lady were less stellar. She was action-packed and having fun but her super hammered behaviour wasn't that entertaining.

Like many New Zealanders I enjoy a drink. Most of us have been well hydrated on occasion. So we don't want to be too judgemental here. But this lady was next level steamed. You know the song Brown Girl In The Ring by Boney M? Well this lady was so wasted I couldn't stop think singing 'drunk girl on the plane tra la la la la'.

In the name of education, prevention and revenge here are the five sins of Drunk Girl On The Plane.

Sin 1. Too personal too quick.
She sat down beside me and immediately yelped 'I'm going home and my ex boyfriend ,who I kicked out cause he's boring, is still at my house. What a loser. I hate him'. Seconds after that she was detailing the kind of personal info most of us wouldn't share with life long friends. This lady was in a high volume send mode with no receive function. Too personal, too quick was her first indiscretion but no where near her last.

Sin 2. Spilling drinks on herself.
Drunk Girl On The Plane (tra la la la la) had clearly been pre loading. She had extra little bottles of vodka in her pockets and she ordered a drink the second she could. Which is all fine. Each to their own. But then it all went wrong. Her gin and tonic arrived and she tried to cheers my drink. Only I didn't have one. This put her off balance and she spilt hers down her front. Which is also fine. Except she became wildly upset. First blaming her plastic cup, then the airline and then some random guy who happened to walk passed. I had to do something. This couldn't go on. So I put my headphones on and tried to pretend she didn't exist.

Sin 3. Spilling drinks on me.
Drunk Girl On The Plane, got another drink and seemed happy. But then a serious problem arose. She didn't believe her drink had enough gin in it and demanded my help. She tried to hand it to me for a taste. But slipped again this time pouring the whole plastic cup into my lap. I spent the next four hours with a freezing cold g&t on my groin. Disappointing.

Sin 4. Not listening to reason.
To her credit, Drunk Girl On The Plane (tra la la la la), really wanted to help. So she reached over and started flashing my reading-light to try and hail a steward. I tried to explain that to get a person you push the button on the screen that looks like a person. The button that looks like a light only turns the light on. But she wouldn't listen. I tried to tell her that flashing the light was only waking people up. She wouldn't listen. I asked nicely for her to stop leaning all over me. She wouldn't listen. I yelled 'don't touch my f%$king screen!'. She started to cry.

Sin 5. Passing out and sleeping on my shoulder.
Drunk Girl On The Plane eventually went to sleep. Unfortunately this was on me. Not completely. But enough to make a long flight, with a freezing cold and damp groin more awkward than it needed to be.

'He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her'. We've all done things on planes we regret. I've been annoying on many occasions at many altitudes. Day to day this lady is probably a quality human. I wish her all the best in life. I'm not anti drunk person either. There was a reasonably steamed lady beside me out of Auckland too. She was great. But if you're going to get wasted on a plane maybe try and contained it to your own seat.