On the other hand Keith Richards has drunk, smoked, snorted and injected more than you or I could ever hope to. What he hasn't done is eat. A lifelong interest in other substances has pushed food down his list of things to do. Bangers and mash twice a week and that's pretty much it. But look at him now. He's 71, full of energy and seemingly indestructible.
As an unscientific sample of one, Keith's party-all-the-time, eat-hardly-ever health regime stacks up.
His face may look like a screwed up piece of paper that's been dipped in wees but you can't blame the man for that. Most au naturel 71-year-olds look terrible. That's life.
Keith makes up for the horror of his face with the happiness he brings to the stage. He delivers the grinning, sweaty energy of a person a 10th his age. It has to be waistline related.
Had Keith spent the 70s and 80s abusing cheesecake instead of heroin he might not be with us today.
Should doctors be promoting the Keith Richards diet? "Get off the snack, get on the smack!". There are some potential side effects: fatal overdose, addiction-related crime, hanging out with dicks, and hepatitis.
Like most people I'm reasonably keen on a long life. Dying prematurely would limit the time I get to spend with my two sons. Every extra second I can get with those little guys is a bonus. I'll be furious if my heart passes out before I see at least some of their major life events.
Any male "staying alive" plan should involve not getting really fat. Sadly my love of lard is as strong as Keith's 70s heroin addiction.
I lie awake fantasising about the delicious fat that surrounds a steak. Crackling, beef gravy, chicken skin dipped in mayonnaise, pies wrapped in bread, butter chicken by the litre.
And lard is "sweet as" compared to sugar. Those delicious two-litre drinks smother your organs faster than any chip butty could. Some days I drink so much fizz my vision starts to blur. If only I could afford a high-class appetite-suppressing drug addiction. I stress the high-class part. You wouldn't want to do a Keith Richards on my salary. It would end in Requiem for a Dream-style TV removal, or worse - that final scene.
Despite my terrible diet I'm not massively fat. I'm not even that old yet. These factors will change fast. But when does the fatness v age graph cross the danger line?
Mick Taylor may be the answer. A truly great guitarist and a truly massive lardarse. You could fit Jagger, Richards and half of Watts inside his neck. He's six years younger than the core Stones but they might outlast him. If I was Taylor I would look at Mick, Charlie and Keith and think "Jesus, my poor heart". Then I'd remove the extra cheese platter from my rider.
In his 2010 memoirs Keith Richards insinuated that Mick Jagger has a small willy. I have no way to confirm or deny this. Our seats were far too far back to measure the great frontman's bulge. What Mick does have is great hair and a tiny waistline. All the remaining Stones do. Their impressive lack of fat will gain them decades. Their eating lightly has balanced out their legendary "going hard". Good for them and a lesson for all.
So if you're over 40, really fat and planning to give up one vice this summer - why not make it seconds.
