Long-distance travel causes untold stress, sweating and chaffing in you groinal region. It's essential you sort things out pre-flight. A normal shower is not enough. Double-scrub every crevice. Take the shower nozzle off and direct the hot water right up, in and around. Squirt a whole bottle of bodywash into the key region if you can.
Any uncleanliness you take on the plane will be amplified a thousand times if left to fester on your seat for 24 hours.
When you sit down, you want to be as clean as a whistle and dry as a desert. Talc it up if you have to.
When you're done, pack it all away in a pair of soft humiliating sweat pants. You don't want any seams, fancy stitching or buttons pressing against your backside. Easy zipless access is essential. You'll need to be in and out of there readjusting things throughout the flight.
Binge drink and break
A successful economy-class trip around the globe is all about managing your boredom levels. Slamming five plastic-cupped merlots early is the key. Get them down fast and then stop. You'll get an hour of buzz followed by a sleep-inducing comedown.
When you wake up, do it again. Five merlots and pause. It's all about variation. Running a red wine on/off yoyo will have you happily in and out of consciousness all the way home.
Don't make friends
Do not make conversation with the person beside you. It's too risky. They may be boring or annoying. Even a nod or a smile can open up a Pandora's Box of punishing communication. Once you start talking you may be forced to continue. Best to ignore them until final descent. Even then, only ever ask a simple, "What brings you to Auckland/ London?" Then immediately put your headphones back on before they can ask you.
Get emotional over movies
Romantic comedies that would make you spew on land make you well up with happiness on a plane. Something about the powerlessness of being trapped inside a metal tube at a terrifying height screaming across the globe at 900km/h makes a person more emotional than usual.
This plays right into the hands of Hugh Grant, Patrick Dempsey and Reese Witherspoon. Hours can fly by as you relish movies you wouldn't give a second on the ground.
Suddenly, Sandra Bullock's quirky on-screen problems take on hugely profound meaning. So turn on a turd and cry your way to touch down.
Never listen to instructions
It's absolutely essential you either zone out or block out completely the pilot and crew's instructions. Long haul is hard enough without pointless menu-related interruptions. It's either chicken or beef and everyone chooses the chicken anyway. The last thing an economy-class battler needs is constant self-saucing high-volume plane admin. Stick rolled up bits of toilet paper in your ears if you have to. Whatever you do don't listen to what they have to say.
Slam those drugs
Whether it's the little blue oval ones or the big white egg-shaped ones, slam those drugs. Mix and match if you have to. The best flight is a completely unconscious one.
We live at the bottom of the world map surrounded by blue. It's a bit lonely but it's also made us the planet's greatest travellers. Thankfully we live in a golden era of economy-class flight and with a few simple, sensible rules you can have a great time in the plus 50 rows.
So soap up, talc up, drink up, shut up, turd up, zone out, smash your drugs and cry your way to a free spiritual upgrade right there in the cheap seats.
