When you realise an eco bag is stronger than your relationship.
When you realise an eco bag is stronger than your relationship.
After knowing each other for six days, the couples on Married At First Sight are moving in together and this means three things: Fights. Ugly bedroom decor. And one person moving back out again.
In Sydney, Christie packs her stuff and begins the six-hour trek to Mark's farm in Victoria. In preparation, Mark rearranges the feature cushions in the hope they detract from the Fitness First that's been built directly next to his bed.
Clearly not a Fitness First Platinum. Photo / Channel 9
Xavier's cleaning his apartment for the arrival of Simone. He has a real fancy apartment in Sydney and he says he hasn't lived with anyone in a "long, long time". At 26, it's not clear how he's maintaining this lifestyle given rental prices in the city, but we don't have time to drill down into that issue.
What we do have time to drill down into is the hat collection he proudly displays on his bedroom wall. Like most straight boys, it doesn't matter how nice their apartment is, they have to go ruin it by displaying their caps like artwork in a museum.
Jono moves into Clare's Melbourne apartment and their true selves are immediately put on full display. She finds out he only brushes his teeth once a day, which is gross. And she forgot to hide the 90s glamour shots she took with a dog. Everything has a way of evening out.
Chic.
Moving out of her mum and dad's place, Erin shoves into Bryce's apartment and is surprisingly not a princess about it.
But the same cannot be said for Christie. She's not enjoying this whole farm business from the get-go.
Mark greets her and says he missed her. She pretends she doesn't hear him. Her response to Mark's home is even more underwhelming.
"I feel like I've just stepped back in time," she says two seconds after walking through the door.
"Wow. I just didn't expect it to be so old."
She then concludes: "It reminds me of my school."
In the hope of improving her new surrounds, and with absolutely nothing to do, Christie lights a candle and jams it in Mark's ear.
"It's sandalwood."
Over at Clare's, Jono goes through one of the most personal and revealing spaces a person has: The fridge. I
t's no surprise that Clare has a typical single white girl fridge. Not to generalise, but most single white girl fridges contain: Several bottles of vodka, a bottle of cheap Sav Blanc, two cartons of milk (both well expired), and a bag of spinach that's now wilted and liquefied. It's positively disgusting, but this is Clare's world and Jono's just living in it.
He's grossed out by the fridge, but even more disgusted when she waves a bag of dog crap in his face.
A bag of dog crap is less gross than Clare's fridge.
His temper is tested again when they start driving around and get caught in traffic. He swears a lot, argues with the GPS lady and then thumps the window. Trying to ease the tension with a compliment, Clare observes that his eyelashes are "so curly".
Because tradies with anger management issues just love having their eyelashes complimented. He accepts it with grace.
"Yeah they're f*cking massive they get stuck in my eyes all the time," he grunts.
At Xavier's pad, Simone's lies are beginning to unravel. If you recall, on their wedding night, Simone kept excitedly agreeing with Xavier, saying she has the same healthy, rigid lifestyle he does.
"I get up at 5am to exercise too!" she trumpeted.
But at 5am on their first morning together, Simone is not awake or exercising.
"It's a rest day."
She also bragged at the wedding that, like Xavier, she rarely drinks.
But here we find her perched on the couch midweek with a glass of wine.
But she quickly gets annoyed that all Xavier does is work, eat, watch TV and sleep - ie. a routine.
It seems Simone doesn't really understand what the word "routine" means.
"All we have is routines since moving in," she sulks.
It's safe to assume this union will unravel with the swiftness and precision of, say, a routine.
On the farm, Christie's still struggling with how she feels about Mark. On one hand, she wants a husband. On the other, he scrawls her name on scrunched up bits of paper and nails them to trees in deserted woodlands.
Jono's temper flares up and Clare tries to calm him with breathing exercises. Again. He does not like this and raises his voice. Again.
Even Dutchie thinks it's ridiculous and rolls her eyes.
"Get out."
uddenly they make up and head out for wine and cheese. But conversation quickly spirals into another argument.
And it's all set off by Jono pointedly offering Clare his thoughts on fitness.
"I believe that if you're physically feeling good about yourself, you're gonna be mentally better. Right? I've been to the gym EVERY. SINGLE. DAY this week. You can always find time."
Clare's not impressed with Jono or his Michelle Bridges attitude. She pushes back but he shuts her down.
"This is the thing, darlin', this conversation is a general conversation which you've made about yourself."
Jono's annoyed and doesn't understand why they can't just have a conversation and simply exchange opinions.
"If Clare was a salesperson and she was trying to sell me into having kids, she'd drop the sale," he says, before the argument blurs into whether or not he's ever dated a personal trainer (yeah, keep up).
The next day, lying to themselves, they pretend everything is OK and hit the beach.
Clare decides it's a perfect time to bring up Jono's temper again. She says he's had a "tantrum" every day.
These accusations of tantrums cause Jono to have a tantrum.
"Every day? Let's go through 'em," he demands. "'Cause I'd love to know. 'Cause I reckon you're overexaggerating it and I'm not gonna put up with that. I'm not gonna sit here and be portrayed that I go through a temper tantrum every single day. That's sh*t that you would do that. Right there. That's really sh*t of you. I'll pack up. And you can walk if you like."
"God, you're a stubborn son-of-a-b*tch," she says.
She walks off. He walks off.
It's hard to storm off in sand while wearing shorty-shorts and holding an eco bag and a picnic blanket, but Jono does.
Jono's so furious and unimpressed with Clare he compares her to Tiger Air.
"Everyone's got baggage. Everyone does. I don't mind getting in a relationship and taking on a little bit of carry-on luggage. But I'm not taking two bags of 40 kilos."
It's hard to storm off in sand while wearing shorty-shorts and holding an eco bag and a picnic blanket, but Jono does.
He storms off all the way back to Clare's apartment, shoves everything he owns into that eco bag and leaves without a trace.
Clare returns home to find he's cleared out and gone back to his own place.
She cries over her disintegrating relationship as well as her stolen eco bag.
When you realise an eco bag is stronger than your relationship.
Perhaps the only thing more shocking than all this drama is the fact Erin and Bryce are the sanest couple in this whole experiment. They're so happy, they're boring.
Erin learns to cook a lasagne. She makes him coffee in the morning. Then they go on a roadtrip, take a selfie and send it to the other couples to rub their noses in their happiness.
