A surprise in MAFS? Who would have thought. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
OPINION:
It’s been one whole episode without a single wedding on Married At First Sight NZ season four, so without further ado, let the love stories begin. Ah, who are we kidding. Let the chaos begin.
It all kicks off with Michael (Mike) doing some deep breathing before letting out a scream that can only be described as an alpha male doing alpha male things.
Anyone else getting a faint whiff of Lynx Africa right now?
“I’m feeling really grounded right now, I’m excited to see who the experts have paired me with,” he tells us and it would be a sweet moment if it weren’t for his best man instantly saying “Damn” as the maid of honour walks in.
Who said chivalry was dead?
As for the bride, she waltzes in and says “Damn” for a completely different reason. “I said facial hair didn’t bother me,” she chuckles, looking at Mike’s beard. “I might need to change my mind.”
The two come face to face in a silent battle to decide who has the better hair and the winner is made known with Kara’s cam confession. “I’m balls deep,” she shrugs. “I’m ready to get it done, let’s go.”
Our 6ft bride goes first with her vows, which is more like reading your Hinge profile out loud. Tall, blonde, looking for something serious. My friends say I’m not like other girls. Slay, etc.
For Mike, it’s like all of his Christmases came at once. Unfortunately, the feeling isn’t mutual. As soon as he reveals he’s an Edgar Allan Poe kind of guy, Kara’s face replicates your mate’s after speaking to a PwC bro at Headquarters on Friday night.
He was wearing R.M. Williams boots, brought her a glass of Veuve and name-dropped Lorde as a girl his sister went to school with, but when push comes to shove the only box that’s ticked is the ick.
Meanwhile, Mike is prepared to sign on the dotted line. He thinks he’s struck gold, so like any good BFF, Kara’s reminds him that he ain’t –
“You’re not her normal type,” she declares. The music stops, the smiles drop and if you listen hard enough you can almost hear the producers cheering.
“What’s her normal type?” Mike asks.
Kara might be evil eyeing her friend begging her to stop, but it’s too late, the bus is on its way and just like Regina George in Mean Girls, she’s gone under. “You answer that, girl,” her BFF says.
“The question was directed at you,” Kara says before delivering her final blow: “Babe.”
Wow, the sky is such a beautiful colour today.
Initiating plan B, her BFF says “yikes” and moves on, listing all the boxes Mike does tick. Tall, tall and tall. No one’s buying it though and Kara knows there’s only one way out, the same way you get out of going to Ponsonby with Mr PwC: “I need to use the ladies’.”
Heading off to a private spot, the girls debrief. “The beard threw me for six,” Kara says. “I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting it.”
“But it’s just facial hair, it’s just hair.” Her BFF is done with the night and pushing hard for that free Uber to Ponsonby just a mere 400 metres from her house. “It’s literally what you asked for.”
Finally, Kara gives in. “I feel like you can leave me and I’m going to be okay.”
“Oh yay, that’s all I wanted,” her BFF grins. And end scene. 6′5 PwC bro, let’s go. Book the Uber.
Kara and Mike end the night the exact same way two singles that met in a club do: by snacking in the kitchen. Where else did you think it was going? Then before we find out if Kara gave Michael the “keys to the castle”, it’s on to something a lot more PG – our second couple, Steph and Piripi.
Aside from Steph living in Auckland and her groom in Hamilton, these two are ticking all the boxes. Family orientated? Check. Same values? Check. Won’t gap it when mum announces a Christmas Day hike after demoing a Cowell’s pavlova? Check!
Standing at the altar, Steph confesses to Piripi: “It’s been a long journey to become the woman that stands in front of you today. In the past, I have convinced myself that I am unlovable, too hard to trust and unable to let anyone in.”
Instead of ghosting her like the guy you met on Bumble last week, Piripi’s ready to commit.
“I would like to make a promise to you, your family and friends that I’ll protect your respect and value,” he declares, welling up. “No matter what happens, we’ll always share this unique experience and I’ll always treasure you for that.”
Kleenex really missed an opportunity here.
At the dinner after the ceremony, Piripi decides in the essence of marriage he’s going to be honest and reveal he has two children.
Steph’s “Oh wooow” replicates that of a Caci’s receptionist when you tell them you cannot book another session because suddenly you love a Botox-free forehead and not because of the cost-of-living crisis.
“It’s not like a deal-breaker,” she tells the confession cam with a look that absolutely confirms it is a deal-breaker. “It’s more like questioning what the relationship is like with the co-parents. I need to understand it a little bit further, proceed with caution almost.”
Giving us our cue to grab the popcorn, Steph and her sister escape to a quiet spot where her sister raises issue number two, “What do you think of him in Hamilton?”
“I’ve always been very transient,” she tells the confession cam, “I would be concerned about my career in a smaller town.”
A small pep talk later, Steph and her sister walk back to find Piripi and his best man peeing in the bush, and with 10 words, the newlyweds’ fate has been sealed.
“I feel like he’s a bit of a boys’ boy,” Steph tells the confession cam.
Before we can catch our breath, debrief with Mum and sign off for the night, it’s time to introduce our third couple.
In a twist absolutely no one saw coming, the experts have decided the shy, calm and quiet Nathaniel is a perfect match with the larger-than-life, sex-positive Madeleine – who may or may not be the main character of the season.
“Holy f**k,” Madeleine says, “I’m marrying a complete stranger!”
While I whisper to myself, “Holy f**k”, I’ve got to set a reminder for tomorrow night.”
Married At First Sight New Zealand airs on Three and ThreeNow every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.
Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.
The singer confirmed his sexuality after an ex-partner shared private photos online.