Mike took aim at Sam in the Married At First Sight NZ reunion episode. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Mike took aim at Sam in the Married At First Sight NZ reunion episode. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
OPINION:
Our Married At First Sight NZ brides and grooms may have said their final vows, but any alum knows the season doesn’t officially wrap until one scorned lover gets the final say on the couch of passive aggressive comments.
Grab ya snacks kids, this is the reunion episode.
We’d love to say we are the most excited, but that would be an insult to CJ, who has returned and is ready to throw fuel on this fire. “I’m sick of the guys just having each other’s backs. They need to f**king grow up and actually admit some of the things they’ve said and stop making the girls look crazy.”
Chill? What is chill? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
But don’t worry, time heals all wounds and we’re sure not everyone feels like the experiment was a complete waste of time.
“I’m just annoyed and frustrated that I put myself fully on the line,” Maddy tells us, prompting the experts to welcome her and Nate to the couch.
For more Married At First Sight NZ news and all the recaps, click here.
The former couple, who ding, dong, ditched the experiment mid-dinner party in episode eight, take a seat on the couch and reimplement Covid’s two-metre distance rule.
Which reminds us, we’ve got some RAT tests sitting in our bathroom drawer if you guys want them?
Can we actually get you two further apart? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
After watching a video where they relive their entire relationship, Jo has some blank spaces in the exit interview form and asks why they left the experiment so soon.
“I was dealing with a lot of emotions, you know, and I was losing myself,” Nate tells us and Maddy holds back an eye roll.
John reads the room like the expert he is and senses she’s got something to say. He asks her how she thinks she contributed to the relationship downfall.
Definitely no hard feelings here. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“There are people out there, girls and guys, who like to take on this role. I’ve taken on this role in the past and it’s something that I’ve learnt within myself to be more of an equal in a relationship and not play a mothering role,” she tells John.
Nate chuckles to himself and John’s too stunned to speak by the boldness, so Piripi steps in as expert.
John has missed the joke. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“When Maddy was talking, I saw you look away. What were you thinking?” He asks Nate.
John couldn’t be more proud of his apprentice.
“The mothering stuff,” Nate replies. “I’m just trying to process it, you were mothering me in what way?”
“You wanna go there?” Maddy scoffs. “It was more of like making sure you knew things, were aware of things that were happening like reading f**king emails properly.”
We cut to Kara and Steph whose faces say exactly what we’re thinking.
Yikes. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
As for Piripi, he’s opened a can of worms only to discover he hates worms and doesn’t know how to recycle. ”Holy f**k,” he exclaims.
“I was looking around like ‘oh nah’, like she was swearing and she got all big-eyed and stuff. Whaaaat, what the f**k.” He hands the expert role back to John.
It’s perfect timing because Nate is only just getting started. “I was reading emails properly, what are you talking about? Are you kidding me?”
Would a man who doesn’t read his emails make it to the reunion on time? Huh? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Maddy quickly consults her crystals and they’ve told her Nate isn’t on the right wavelength and to action yet another ding, dong, ditch.
“I don’t want to go there, it’s a waste of energy and time,” she says.
Several seconds pass and John’s decided he’s heard enough, he sends them on their way and welcomes Piripi and Steph on to the couch, where Steph admits she’s scared their replay video will include one-liners that will be taken out of context.
We know exactly what you feel, we have the same fear every time someone reads a Herald headline on Facebook and decides it’s the whole story.
There’s also a synopsis to read, guys. Duh.
John wastes no time on formalities and quickly questions Piripi about the dating show (F-Boy Island) he applied for before MAFS.
Same Steph, same. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“That seemed to really land badly for Steph,” John says, stating the obvious.
“I applied for a dating show a year ago, turned out to be something that the title was,” Piripi says.
“So at the time you didn’t know what it was?” John clarifies.
“No,” Piripi confesses. John’s not impressed, didn’t your mum ever teach you not to apply for reality shows without reading the fine print?
Why do you look so scared, Piripi? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
John then reminds us all why he’s the ultimate MAFS expert and drops a bomb. “Piripi, I’ve got to ask you, do you still have strong feelings for Steph?”
Outrageous! That is chat for a nightcap on the balcony under the stars with a glass of red wine in hand, not national TV, we say, shaking our heads and turning up the volume.
Piripi immediately giggles and plots John’s downfall. In five years’ time, there will be a new MAFS expert and his name will be Piripi John Aiken Clarke.
Way to make it awkward, John. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“I care about her, I definitely care about her,” he admits. “But since having time away and being back at home and kind of settling into my normal life, I think it’s just friends, yeah.”
With that, John and Jo kick them off the couch and we welcome Kara and Mike.
Watching their own recap of the season, the producers finally put Kara out of her gaslit misery and play the moment Mike admits he doesn’t have a strong sexual urge toward his wife.
Mike looks terrified. He should be and not just because Kara’s wearing purple again.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of Mike's own actions. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“What’s coming up for you?” Jo asks Kara.
“It’s nice to feel like I’m not crazy,” Kara replies.
It’s not enough for Jo, she wants sass, she wants spice, she wants razzle dazzle baby! So she takes it to the group to find out who told Kara in the first place.
“Well let me ask you the question,” Mike bellows. “You had a conversation with your husband, he’s talking about what happened, what made you feel like you needed to then shoot it over to her?”
It’s a moment where Mike thinks he can intimidate Sam, but he forgets she’s a mother of a five-year-old. Tantrums are nothing new to her.
“Because I was watching her really struggle with being so open and honest and then the fact that behind closed doors you were saying stuff behind her back,” Sam hits back.
Is this a woman who looks fazed? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“There was nothing that I was hiding,” Mike cries out. “It was just plain f**king obvious.”
Kara’s smirking, she’s been telling us all season there is another side to Mike, now we finally see it. What a ponytail, huh?
CJ can’t believe what she’s hearing. The towel was filthy John, she’d been using it for three days.
“I was distraught,” she declares.
John, please. Look what you’ve done. This is not the time to be talking laundry. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“I do get that,” John says. “But do you think you were respectful in the way you were talking to Jesse?” he asks.
“Um, yeah I could have been better, absolutely,” CJ confesses and John knows his work with her is done so he zeros in on Jesse.
“Do you think not contacting CJ helped your relationship or hurt it?” he asks.
You'll get em next time, champ. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Jesse isn’t sure how to answer, that’s like being asked if the sky is blue or blue. John sighs, did no one do the pre commitment ceremony reading he and Jo gave them?
“It is a problem, why is it a problem? Do you need me to go to the group? Because they’ll tell ya,” he sternly says.
Jesse chuckles, “Yeah, please.”
“She’s there by herself brother, like not knowing what’s going on. She was obviously like distraught,” Piripi says and Steph, John and the rest of New Zealand finally understand what BDE stands for.
Best Damn Educator.
Thank god for expert Piripi. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Jesse takes notes: don’t Casper, do text, live, laugh, didn’t find love on MAFS.
The experts go to kick them off the couch until CJ announces, “I actually have a present for you.” She brings out a toothbrush.
Mmm, not ideal for Jo. She needs a house in the next six months.
“So you’ve got a bit of a road ahead of you in terms of long distance,” Jo says and John side eyes her. This is THE golden couple, don’t you dare tarnish their shine.
You’re on thin ice, Jo. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
She doesn’t care. “How are you going to survive that?”
“Daily Snapchats,” Sam smiles. “Just like Snapchatting each other and stuff throughout the day so you feel like you’re still with each other.”
Don’t lie Sam, we know you’re snapping every day for the streak.
“Just finally,” John asks, he wants his fairytale ending. “James, are you in love with her now?”
James is confused, he literally said it in the video, but John needs the perfect soundbite to show the next round of brides and grooms.
“Are you in love with Sam?” He doubles down.
See everyone, MAFS really does work. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“Yeah,” James grins.
“Sam,” John asks, “you in love with James?”
“I am in love with James,” she smiles, John smiles, even Jo cracks a grin and with that we bid farewell to another season of Married At First Sight New Zealand.
Here’s to love, happily ever after and getting our Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights back.
Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.
