Piripi and Steph's final vows saw a particularly tense moment. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Piripi and Steph's final vows saw a particularly tense moment. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
OPINION
One husband is exposed as a wannabe F-Boy during his bride’s explosive final vows, leaving all of us shocked except the producers who are sitting in the background rubbing their hands together like the evil little geniuses they are.
Yes,Married At First Sight NZ is finally coming to an end and instead of raising a glass in their white dresses and celebrating finding love, two out of three of our brides have decided to neck the wine and write a speech messier than what your mate’s was at your 21st.
Much like your fun aunty, we’re somewhere in the crowd shouting “you go girl!” while your boring uncle tells us we’ve had too much to drink.
For more Married At First Sight NZ news and all the recaps, click here.
We start things off with expert John explaining that final vows are the moment our couples separate and decide whether they want to renew their vows.
If they choose no, we all pretend to be shocked and flabbergasted, and if they say yes, John gets to remind us that the experiment really does work and then puts a picture of the happy couple on his wall.
He might struggle to find space along with the two other photos.
We check in with Kara first who is still struggling with her trust issues despite Mike’s sister telling her Mike is a really nice guy and maybe she should check herself.
It seems to have had less impact than a Weight Watchers ad and after approximately one day, Kara’s back to thinking her husband isn’t the man for her and maybe chocolate cake isn’t so bad after all.
“Mike tried to push his business into being a part of this experiment,” she tells us. “Why would you do that if you’re coming here to find love?”
That’s a great question and there’s only one person who can answer it, Mike.
“I am one of the most authentic and trustworthy people anyone would meet,” he tells us, and we have no choice but to believe him because, as a recapper, we are Switzerland, Sassy Switzerland but Switzerland nonetheless.
Kara isn’t, though, and uses her final vows to remind us all that if we were to choose a team, it should absolutely be Team Kara. Not only will she offer us all free gym plans, but she also has a better ‘How to Find Your Voice’ workshop than the Little Mermaid.
“Whilst you weren’t my usual type, I knew you had kind eyes, a warm smile, and I was pleasantly surprised you could throw me around,” she says, starting off strong.
If chuffed was a picture. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Mike grins, he’s adding, “can throw around girls over 6ft (respectfully)”, to his Tinder profile if the marriage doesn’t work out. Ah who are we kidding, of course the marriage isn’t working out.
But Kara isn’t done yet, there is nothing she dislikes more than boosting her husband’s ego - except maybe Short King Spring.
“I quickly found myself losing my voice in your main character energy,” she tells him and Mike’s smile is immediately replaced with a dull expression.
Not so chuffed. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“There were times I was made to feel like I was the problem and unable to meet you at a level I now realise doesn’t exist,” she declares before making yet another accusation.
“When you feel something is wrong, it usually is.” She adds, “I came in here to compromise for love but the compromise here is far too big.”
Instead of reacting and telling his wife he has been nothing but authentic, Mike switches into businessman mode and gets his vows ready. Kara isn’t the only one with constructive criticism to give.
“We have plenty of similarities, but just see the world in a different way, it doesn’t make either of us right or wrong, it just makes us beautifully unique.”
It's taking everything in her bride not to use her voice. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
We half expect Kara to scream “you’re wrong!!” But she’s back in her Ariel era and stays quiet.
“I won’t be taking the relationship past this point, you just aren’t my person,” he tells her. “I’m heading back home to the land of other positive humans, wanting the best for the world and for themselves.”
We can only imagine what Kara’s thinking, probably how nice it is that they’ve ended their rocky relationship on a positive note.
“F**king hell, does he waffle aye, honestly,” she chuckles before serving up a quote that most definitely came from Pinterest. “It just goes to show that he lives in a land that’s just all fairytales and rainbows and I was there to face the rain.”
No hard feelings here. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Meanwhile, we chase the rain all the way to Piripi and Steph and it’s a mixed bag with this one, not a 50 cent one where you know you’re getting a gummy snake, sherbet lollipop and a sour peach, but more of a $2 one where you get a surprise and some crème de la crème treats.
“Piripi, what an experience,” Steph says. “You are such a soft soul, determined to better yourself, I can see that you love strongly and sincerely and now meeting your family I can see why,” she tells him as he starts to tear up.
Just a cute husband doing cute things. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
But this isn’t a story of love. It’s not Jack and Rose on the Titanic; this is the Titanic and the iceberg and things are about to go down. “So nice parts are out of the way now,” she declares.
“I quickly felt like I was falling into a dominant role of our relationship and on our honeymoon, after learning you applied for F-Boy island, I began to question if you were really here for a marriage.”
Just looking for an escape route. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Gasps can be heard all around the country because she is of course referring to TVNZ’s controversial show F-Boy Island which aired in 2022 and caused a stir in reality TV we haven’t seen since MAFS AU aired their first season here.
“Bit of a low blow,” Piripi tells the confession cam and mentally rewrites his vows.
Steph smirks slightly. That was only step one of her three-step guide to losing a guy in 10 minutes, and she starts on step two: lower blow.
“A relationship to me Is about meeting half way, it’s about compromise and figuring out how each other tick so that we can tick better together,” she says.
Deep in his mind palace rewriting his vows. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
We agree, the secret to a healthy relationship is ensuring it makes a tick sound which is why we have TikTok time with our partner before bed.
“I love you as a person but you are not my person,” she confesses and the producers decide it’s a perfect time to pull Piripi aside and ask the question expert John has been foreshadowing all season; ”Do you think anyone will ever be able to hit her mark?”
“I think the guy might be out there but she might not hit his marks, who knows,” he admits.
Now it’s Piripi’s turn and he’s put a positive spin on Miley Cyrus’ 2008 tune, 7 Things I Hate About You. “I wanted to start by listing all the things I love about you.”
They always begin smiling. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Unlike Steph, we are not lapping it up and revert back to our teenage self, slam the bedroom door, grab our CD player and start jumping on our bed and singing the original song into our hairbrush.
That is until Piripi is done with the nice parts of his vows and joins Steph in playing her own game. “You once said to me that I have the potential to be a great partner and I truly appreciate that but potential means that I’m not the right person for you right now.”
Steph is not impressed, yet another reason Piripi isn’t a good partner for her.
Oh how the tables have turned. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“I’ve tried my best to be able to reach each other’s levels but spending time apart has made me realise that maybe love isn’t meant to be like that,” he tells her. “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t consider me their equal or makes me feel like it, I don’t think anyone does.”
We almost see Steph whisper “low blow” under her breath.
“I’ll keep trying to be a better version of myself, but for me and my kids,” he tells her and it’s Steph’s turn to have her honesty chat with the producers.
Major side eye. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders,” she says. With that, we check in with our third couple and hope we didn’t go to Costco and bulk buy 5000 tissues for nothing.
Our bubbly bride, Sam almost trips over while walking towards James, immediately taking us back to their wedding where she almost tripped over her dress.
Seen, heard, full circle moment understood.
All right, which one of you romantic producers is responsible for this huh? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“James, as I stood apart from you as I am now at the start of this experiment nervous beyond words, I was curious as I stared into the most beautiful blue eyes wondering what you’d be like and if you’re the person I’d been hoping for,” she smiles. “Not even 12 hours later, I knew you were someone special.”
Is anyone else ugly crying right now?
Same James, same. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“But,” she says and much like James, our stomach makes a beeline for our throat. “You live in Christchurch and I live in Auckland. You said you’d move for me but is that fair for me to ask?”
Is it fair for us to scream “Yes!” Probably not but we’ll do it anyway.
“And then there’s the fact that I’m a mother, are you really ready to take on all that comes with dating a woman with a child?”
Oof.
Finally Sam puts us all out of our misery. “You keep telling me it will be okay, to take each day as it comes, and that’s exactly what I want to do.” She adds, “So I’ll be keeping this ring.”
The couple share a smooch and for once, we don’t grimace, instead we mimic the mother of the bride and dab our tears, wipe snot over our partner’s suit and cry out how much we love these two together.
After a quick moment to recollect ourselves, it’s James’ turn. “I didn’t expect to meet someone as genuine and caring as you, I can be vulnerable and open with you and no longer afraid to share my emotions with someone. However,” he says.
The look of love. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
“The realisation we will both be on different islands is tough. I’ve done long distance before and it didn’t end well,” he says before confessing, “Yes, I will move for you, but not straight away and I worry that the time in between will be challenging.”
Don’t worry James and Sam, all of New Zealand is currently writing a letter to Air NZ and asking for cheap flights for you both - okay, and us as well because those air fares are out the gate.
“That being said,” James smiles. “I will give us my all because I want to make this work in the outside world. Sam, I love you and I can’t wait to build a life with the girl of my dreams.”
“Oh stop, I love you,” she replies.
Our wine is on the floor, and the tissue boxes are empty. We immediately call our besties to debrief on the adorable moment, and John captures it and hangs it on the wall beside Angel, Brett, Carmen, and Jimmy.
Can anyone else hear wedding bells? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
We can’t wait to see what the reunion brings.
Watch the Married At First Sight New Zealand reunion on Three and ThreeNow, Tuesday, 25 July.
Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.
