Married At First Sight Australia: Four things I learned about relationships from MAFS

John Aiken (right), Mel Schilling and Alessandra Rampolla dissected the relationships of the married couples after living together for a week. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery

It’s the show we love to hate and hate to love, but can Married At First Sight actually teach us anything about life, love, and social conventions?

After sitting through roughly 40 hours of televised chaos, it was a question I kept asking myself.

Having never seen the “global phenomenon” before, I was tasked with doing the daily episode recaps for the Herald, taking the best bits of drama and compiling them into short, sharp reviews.

It was an eye-opening experience, one that made me at times critically assess my thoughts on the dangers of reality TV and even the role media can play in affecting mental health.

For those who haven’t seen the show, you’ll find my episode-by-episode recaps here.

Married At First Sight dinner parties often led to tears and tense confrontations. Photo / Nine AU

Former Herald journalist Emma Gleason took a deep dive into the psychology of the show last year, and I believe her chat with AUT critical media studies professor Rebecca Trelease hit the nail on the head.

“We watch it because we can find elements of ourselves in the people we watch on screen,” Trelease said.

“We see their behaviours and consider how we’d respond in that situation. If we identify with them, and they behave differently, we process that.”.

With that in mind, here are the good, the bad, and the ugly things I took away from this painfully watchable televised trainwreck

1. Gaslighting: A gateway to disaster

It seemed to be a prominent theme of the show from day dot when notorious groom Tim emotionally manipulated the sweet soul Katie into thinking she wasn’t good enough at their wedding.

“There was no spark,” he claimed, when really, he was just not into her and tried his hardest to not look like the bad guy (he failed spectacularly and faces backlash to this day).

Narcissistic tendencies emerged from a multitude of places during the in-show relationships (insecurity, pain, lust for control, etc) and at times became so intense it led the experts to halt proceedings during confessionals.

The fact the cameras were rolling probably had a lot to do with why so much gaslighting occurred on the show, but it doesn’t lessen the fact that it would’ve made viewers squirm when thinking about the wider social implications at play.

Eliot was also accused by experts of gaslighting his early bride Lauren, but some stern words from the experts shut that down pretty quickly for the rest of the season.

Social media has only heightened the opportunities for gaslighting to emerge, and its ease of access means there will sadly be plenty more cautionary tales emerge in future seasons.

Should the producers have been quicker to shut down this behaviour? And should juicy TV drama overshadow the need to step in? These are questions for a wider discussion, no doubt.

Tim walked out of the first Mafs dinner party after other guests saw through his gaslighting of Katie. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery

2. The term ‘red flag’ is overused

“In a world of red flags, you are the red carpet,” Kiwi bride Jacqui Burfoot told her husband Ryan during their scathing final vows.

Red flag is a term thrown around with ease, both in the show and real life, often signalling a “warning sign” of a potential partner’s behaviour.

But when a “red flag” is something such as doing the dishes or not wanting to be a stay-at-home parent, it could make people question the validity of its nature and whether it is being used as a blanket term for pure pickiness.

Sure, a pattern of cheating could very well be considered a “red flag”, but at the heart of it, it’s a stupidly thought-out decision that could be part of a wider character flaw.

Also, while Ryan was very much portrayed as a flawed individual with some unhealthy attitudes, saying he was essentially a walking red flag reflected worse on Jacqui than it did on Ryan.

Instead of making a “red flag list” as Jacqui did on the show, a better solution would’ve been to discuss their communication issues like adults, which is clearly something they weren’t capable of.

Perhaps they should have, A) ended the relationship Asap if there was too much conflict or B) had an open and honest conversation to help regain clarity and find a solution.

Red flags were a key driver for Mafs bride Jacqui. Photo / Nine AU

3. Jokes and throwaway comments can end relationships

Jake learned his lesson pretty quickly this season after he made abhorrent, derogatory comments about the other brides in front of his new wife Ash.

She was out the door faster than the speed of light after he said he could “stab another bride in her sleep” and that he “wasn’t racist” but preferred to date Caucasian people.

Jokes are subjective, but put-downs and blows to people’s self-esteem instantly gave Ash a bad vibe and resulted in the trust in the relationship taking a nosedive.

We also can’t forget Ryan’s infamous “crazy eyes” comment, which was sidled with his out-the-gate comments about his wife’s sexual practices.

Perhaps these moments may have been scripted or set up by the producers, but that still doesn’t mean they serve as a cautionary tale.

Behind the melodrama of it all, there’s still the fact that people made comments that impacted others for the worse.

Jake's disgusting comments shocked his partner Ash and likely most of the public watching. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery

4. Weathering the storm can go both ways

Relationship ups and downs are natural in a social experiment such as Mafs, but it was plain to see some couples made their exit far too late.

While Rhi and Jeff rode out the friendzone awkwardness and came out on top, and Jamie and Dave finally got over the love barrier, other couples endured an unnecessary amount of pain for no reward.

Carina and Paul were the epitome of failure, with both clutching at straws to make the relationship work, even after Paul continued to betray Carina’s trust.

The pair should have split after Paul punched a hole in the wall, but Carina’s willingness to make things work ended up leading to a spiral of mistrust and anger.

Jacqui and Ryan were two others who should have called it time earlier, with the pair fuelling each other’s fire and creating an unhinged vortex of verbal and emotional abuse that was, at times, uncomfortable to watch.

While Jacqui and her family have said her portrayal on the show was highly edited, the words that come out from both her and Ryan don’t come across well at all.

Even Adrian’s treatment of Awhina raised eyebrows, considering he constantly played with her emotions. It left me wondering if their final decision to stay together truly was the right one.

Many people commenting on the Herald recaps believed the experts and producers failed, not pairing the correct couples and ultimately not stepping in when things got too heated.

People questioned whether there was enough duty of care when putting certain people in front of a media firestorm, something that continues to sit with me today as I write about Mafs.

Another round?

There were whispers that the show could soon meet its demise after this year’s string of controversies, including a police investigation and multiple violence orders.

I’m left in two minds after my first Mafs viewing experience.

There’s no denying it’s watchable TV, and we can’t help being drawn into the human elements of it, but on the other hand, it raises some interesting questions about exploitation and idealised relationships.

Has Married At First Sight run its course? Photo / Nine AU

Ultimately, it comes down to individual attitudes, something Trelease last year noted should be a catalyst for change.

“Humans need to be kind to other humans, and I think productions need to be kind to their contestants and set them up for success, not as consumable props”.

Who knows, maybe I will have to dissect the social anatomy of Love Island next.

Mitchell Hageman joined the Herald’s entertainment and lifestyle team in 2024 and has taken on the unofficial role of MAFS correspondent for this season. He previously worked as a multimedia journalist for Hawke’s Bay Today.