News.com.au's Bronte Coy recaps the trainwreck television that is Married at First Sight Australia.
Jaw-dropping scenes have played out on Married At First Sight Australia with the series' most rock solid couple threatening to quit and another duo engaging in graphic remedial sex classes.
It's those couples we've been largely skipping over that have shocked us during this episode. For instance, we thought we could leave crowd favourites Sarah and Telv to their own devices by this point. They've been raving on about their love and hot sex and yada yada for days now, but they've suddenly come undone by the most unlikely of villains: Snapchat.
Telv tells us that Sarah's in a snit because he was watching a funny Snap while she tried to talk to him last night and he didn't hear what she was saying because he was LOL'ing.
Annoyingly, Sarah stomps into the room just as Telv is presumably about to share the comedy fire with us and he stops speaking and for CRYING OUT LOUD can someone please tell me what was in that funny Snapchat?
Look, we've all brought some crazy to a relationship before — I once didn't speak to my boyfriend for half a day because he suggested that "dressy thongs" was a thing — but I'd like to think we've learned from past mistakes.
Not Sarah.
In fact, her commitment to throwing Telv greasy looks all afternoon while also preparing for a dinner party is a masterclass in multi-tasking.
Ironically, if Telv was a little better at it, we could have avoided this whole fiasco.
Maintaining furious eye contact while chopping veg is not for amateurs. Photo / Channel 9
Telv's pretty bummed that tonight's also the night their families are getting together for their first joint dinner, but Sarah's clearly a glass-half-full kind of gal and sees it as a perfect opportunity for a couples' therapy session with an audience.
Her attempt to drag Telv in front of his parents goes down about as well as Barnaby Joyce's baby news, and Sarah locks herself in the bathroom crying while everyone else stares at each other, desperately wishing their loved ones had signed up for Love Island instead.
Over at Troy and Ashley's, Troy's literally fantasising about making Ashley's mum the Mrs Stifler to his Finch, and he shares that piece of news with his wife.
Even though Ashley kind of hates him, she puts loads of effort into making a huge Italian feast for lunch in order to impress his parents. When she finally unveils her creations — carbonara and cannelloni — his mum lets her know she's coeliac. In the chaos that ensues while Ashley attempts to murder Troy, I duck in and take her portion.
Next up, we're over at the hostage situation that is Gab and Nasser's relationship.
In case you missed it, Gab "punished" Nasser during Sunday's commitment ceremony by forcing him to stay in the experiment for another week even though he's yearning to go back to his full-time job as an Avon salesman.
Today, Gab looks triumphant and Nasser looks like he wishes he was dead as she tells him, "Ha ha, you're stuck with me" and I'm all about self-congratulating at every possible moment, but I think we're playing it a bit fast and loose to count this as a win.
Nasser goes on about how he's fine with how this is all going, and it's as believable as Amber Heard and Johnny Depp's apology video.
"I was definitely ready to leave, but this seems to have given me a new sort of wind," and you know what Nasser, I've heard about stress-induced gas and you should just pop a few Imodium, I reckon.
I'm not convinced. Photo / Channel 9
Anyway, Nasser's gas looks like it's getting really painful by the time Gab's dad and sister turn up for dinner, and he nearly cries with relief when his best friend Ben walks in. He keeps shrieking, "You made it!" as if Ben had had to row there from Iceland.
It doesn't take long for Gab's family to lay into Nasser, and Bestie Ben sinks lower and lower into his seat while Nasser realises he's backed the wrong horse with his "Phone A Friend" lifeline.
He then goes head to head with Gab's twin sister Kerrie — and after cutting her off a few dozen times, she storms out while declaring: "No more!" which is also coincidentally my preferred style of leaving a room.
Later, Kerrie and Nasser try to patch things up outside, and he reveals that he's never had a serious relationship in what might be the least surprising truth bomb of the series so far.
But the most uncomfortable scene we've ever witnessed is happening over in Justin and Carly's apartment.
In the Big Brother Up Late edition of MAFS, they seem to have gotten a hall pass from hanging out with their families, and have instead invited one of the experts, Dr Trisha Stratford, into their sex life.
While we get increasingly nervous about an impending code breach for this timeslot, Dr Trisha explains that she's going to help Carly and Justin with their sexy time.
Then she tells us that "we're going to run through some exercises" and now it's me who wishes I was dead.
Sex exercises are exactly what you think they might be, ie Carly and Justin groping each other under the uncomfortably calm guidance of Dr Trisha, who says "just touch" over and over again.
She then leads them to the bedroom and makes them spoon each other while she watches on and smiles and I really wish I was using comedic licence.
Right as we decide it's time to switch over and watch people eat gross s**t on I'm A Celeb, the good doctor hands over a bottle of lotion and tells them to go wild before sauntering out of there, thrilled with a job well done.
The throes of passion. Photo / Channel 9
It's honestly incredible to me that not only are Dean and Tracey still together after the fireworks of Davina-gate, but they're actually becoming a boring couple.
Luckily, the producers have heard me whingeing and have made Dean bring along his terribly behaved buddy Michelle to their family lunch with Tracey's family.
We immediately know she's going to be sassy because she has a whimsical flipped hair part and a bold red lip, which is the universal uniform for girls who are going to cause trouble.
Michelle takes a nonchalant sip as she tells the group that Dean's been with "a lot of little girls", which makes Tracey cry and resurrect her favourite quote.
"So he does hit it and quit it," she tells us tearfully. "I don't want to sit here and bag Dean but I have to be honest with how I'm feeling and it's a massive issue."
The camera switches away from Michelle at this point, which is super annoying because she looks like she's about one mojito away from dropping some real truth bombs.
... But that's none of my business. Photo / Channel 9
Given the new information that's come to light, Tracey makes a snap decision to dump her and Dean's joint hip hop album in favour of going full Lemonade.
"Better call Davina with the good hair." Photo / Supplied
The family get-togethers have left us with plenty of questions: Is it all over for Telv and Sarah? Will Tracey ever really forgive Dean? And for the LOVE OF GOD what was in that funny Snapchat?
