Nervous groom meets bride for the first time on Married at First Sight. Footage from Three / Married at First Sight Australia
News.com.au's James Weir recaps the trainwreck television that is Married at First Sight Australia.
A groom on Married At First Sight has been left so petrified by the wife he blindly married he's been forced to ignore his pangs of regret and persist with the marriage while fending off her sexual advances.
In a match that appears to be just blatant trolling, producers have married a man who sweats more than he talks to a woman who thinks that if she says something loud enough and laughs, it automatically makes it a joke.
"I nearly burst into tears on the way out," the groom confesses after the ceremony, the colour draining from his face.
His wife's immediate adoration is a sad and compelling contrast: "If this doesn't work out, it will be soul-crushing," she declares.
After next to no successful matches on this show, expert and relationship coach Mel Schilling has resorted to tarot cards to help choose the perfect match for Alycia.
'Shut up and pick a card.' Photo / Channel 9
The softly-spoken 28-year-old is matched with a tradie named Mathew and within moments of meeting them, we determine they're both too meek for this show.
Alycia confides in us that she's been planning her wedding for years and, with her dog GoGo sitting patiently in her lap, we watch on as she clicks through folders on her computer screen, opening jpeg after jpeg of wedding photos she has saved to her desktop, presumably in the dark, lonely hours.
Heartbreaking.jpg Photo / Channel 9
Alycia's mum doesn't have much confidence in her daughter, and continually strikes with critical barbs that she delivers in tones of exhaustion and sadness.
"She's so pretty and no one wants her," she sighs.
'NOT ONE PERSON.' Photo / Channel 9
Next up, we meet Jo who's just really mousy and understated and here she is holding a wand while wearing LED sunglasses, devil horns and a veil moments after doing tequila shots.
She's super lowkey and mellow. Photo / Channel 9
Jo's one of those ladies who says things like, "what you see is what you get", while doing a jarring neck-roll. She's a single mum of two and, while I don't know this for sure, probably runs one of those Kmart homewares appreciation Instagram accounts.
"Love, for me, is the only thing missing in my life," she tells us as she kicks back on her recliner-couch with the latest Michael Connelly while wearing some kind of sock-boot and drinking a Hahn Super Dry. To be honest, I would like this life please.
You've got a whole recliner-couch to yourself what else do you want? Photo / Channel 9
The experts match her with Sean who is super-nervous and anxious and a bit of a sad sack. I feel confident in saying he's definitely never worn a pair of LED sunglasses while doing shots, so this match is going to be rather confronting for him.
We head down to Melbourne for Mathew and Alycia's wedding and there's some drama about ill-fitting pants but it doesn't affect us so we don't care. Honestly, the only reason we're really here is to witness Alycia's mum say something mean about her daughter again.
"She hasn't succeeded the conventional way and this is a last resort," Alycia's mum says, her brow furrowed with concern.
Apart from this, the only other interesting thing is Mat's mum draped in a fur shawl looking positively miffed.
Me when I have to leave the house. Photo / Channel 9
Up in Sydney, Jo's dream of having everything at her wedding covered in "di-menties" is realised. After terrorising the eastern suburbs with a horse-drawn carriage that has been ripping around Malcolm Turnbull's suburb of Point Piper for an hour, she finally disembarks and shows off her bedazzled foam thong-wedges that I don't think were manufactured to actually be worn seriously.
That's an f-tonne of di-menties. Photo / Channel 9
Sean's already having regrets and doesn't want to be here. When Jo arrives, those feelings are solidified. As his new wife tears down the aisle and inches closer to the altar, Sean's doubts get stronger. He closes his eyes and tries to retrace his steps to understand how exactly he ended up at this place in life.
He doesn't know what to do. As his wife stands in front of him and they wait 10 minutes for the celebrant to begin, he can't speak. His regret for this experiment is instant.
"Um ... what was my first impression ... ummm. Ahhh. She ... um. There wasn't a massive spark straight away. And I'm sure she feels the same way," he tells us nervously after the ceremony.
But Sean's wrong. Jo's feelings for him are as unmissable as the di-menties that prominently stud every surface of this ceremony.
"BING BING BING BING BING BING BING! Winning! Jackpot! You won the lotto!" she booms across the harbour about her attraction to Sean.
Jo's obsessed and would love nothing more than to take Sean home right now to roll around on her recliner-couch.
As further torture, producers make Sean pose for intimate wedding photos with Jo, who is oblivious to her husband's lack of feelings.
"Having our photos taken felt really comfortable," she beams to us after wrestling Sean's body closer to hers.
I yearn for this kind of intimacy. Photo / Channel 9
At the reception, as Jo runs laps around the dining room while giving rapid fire high-fives to guests, Sean escapes and drags his best man out to the courtyard to confess he feels no spark.
"There's doubt," he confides.
Producers know they're losing him, so they make Sean try to find some kind of silver lining about this pairing.
"We both love cricket, we both love footy, we both love a beer," he concludes. And for this show, that's enough.
By the end of the evening, Jo has told us through rather blatant innuendo that she's keen to get down with Sean.
Sean's terrified and we're loving how uncomfortable things are getting, so we invite ourselves up to the hotel room to watch him try to reject her advances.
Jo steals one of my sultry moves to entice him over to the bed.
Seriously works nine times out of 10. Photo / Channel 9
But Sean's not falling for it that easily. Jo decides she's just going to have to kick things up a notch and forces her new husband to unzip her dress. As Sean drags the zipper lower and lower, he grows paler. His body seizes up. And now, he actually dies.
As he slumps to the floor, Jo hikes up her dress and declares: "I need to pee."
Sean's funeral will air Wednesday on Three at 7.30pm.
