The wives gather when one suffers a public humiliation.
The wives gather when one suffers a public humiliation.
REVIEW:
The final boozy Married At First Sight dinner party explodes tonight with harsh rejections, passive-aggressive sniping and one wife finally taking the advice offered by her inspirational foot tattoo.
We’re just days away from the vow renewal ceremonies, where all the freaks decide if they’ll stay together, which means tonight is one of the last opportunities for producers to torment them. This dinner party is a blank canvas where anything can be done to stir up trouble.
Let’s expose their Google search histories! Or go through Layton’s Spotify to see if his most-played song is a deep cut from Michelle Branch’s debut album The Spirit Room! But producers don’t take any of these suggestions. Instead, they get lazy and just make the freaks ask each other questions. It’s as interesting as the Q&A form you have to fill out when you start seeing a new dentist.
To truly appreciate tonight’s climax, we must start at the beginning. Like all good narratives, the theme of our heroine’s journey is subtly foreshadowed early on.
We find Bronte in her bedroom. She’s getting dressed for the dinner party as the afternoon sunlight beams through the floor-to-ceiling windows of her Trash Towers master suite. Harrison isn’t there. He moved into a separate Trash Towers master suite after their disastrous Perth homestay.
Bronte perches delicately on the end of the bed and stretches out one leg, pointing her toes to slide on an acrylic-heeled stiletto. It’s only now, in this small moment, that we glimpse the life motto that has been fuelling her this whole time. The sage words are emblazoned in bluey-black ink, on the side of her foot: One step at a time.
The cursive font is elegant and sophisticated, almost as if it’s an inspirational foot tattoo from the 19th century. Jane Austen probably had one just like it.
As Bronte buckles the strap on the stiletto, she too glimpses the hoof stamp. She’s instantly reminded of the strong woman she once was. Where is that woman now? The girl who has been wearing these acrylic stilettos the past two months certainly hasn’t been walking one step at a time. If anything, she has been stumbling all over the place like a just-birthed giraffe.
Suddenly, Bronte winces and lets out a guttural yelp. She has been craning to look at the foot tattoo for too long and her calf is now cramped. Still, as she writhes around on the bed, trying to stretch it out, the enchanting mantra resonates.
Wise words to live by.
“There probably are people here tonight who think, ‘Let’s just go under the radar, let’s just get through the dinner and leave’ - but not a chance!” Mel Schilling cackles with the other experts as they watch the freaks filing into the cocktail party.
Muahahaha.
Apart from all the cameras and being locked in a warehouse every Wednesday night, relationships on Married At First Sight are exactly the same as relationships in the outside world. How? Well, like us normal people, the MAFS freaks are determined to rewrite history when it comes to explaining their spats.
The first person to get creative with the truth tonight is our gal Alyssa.
“Did Duncan take you on the boat?” Rupert asks during a chat about the homestays. “He says he never takes anyone on the boat.”
Alyssa rolls her eyes. “The boat date was great until the last hour … then it went very south.”
Rupert furrows his brow. “What, just sea sick, orrrr?”
Alyssa then begins to tell her lopsided version of events, while her gorgeous prince of a husband sits quietly nearby.
“We were sitting down, Duncan had made this cute charcuterie board and I was ready to tell him how I’m, like, falling for him … and then he pretty much ripped our entire relationship apart,” she huffs.
Alyssa, do you know how lucky you are to have a man who makes you a charcuterie board? Most men don’t even know how to pronounce the word charcuterie!
That’s not the truth, Ellen.
The bell rings and dinner is served. As everyone takes a seat, the experts make an appearance. And they have one mission: cause hell.
Char-lie’s Ang-els, c’mon.
They chuck a bunch of sledge boxes on the table and then run back down to the CCTV dungeon. If you’re new to the MAFS universe, here’s a simple explanation of the sledge box: It is a box filled with inflammatory questions that are written for the sole purpose of causing a fight and provoking each partner to sledge the other with insults.
Usually this would be fun. We love watching the freaks sledge each other. But, 32 episodes in, there are no more sledges left. They’ve already sledged each other to buggery.
The questions inside the sledge boxes are as tired as we are. We watch as Alyssa sobs and makes herself the victim again. Then it’s onto Melinda and Layton, who spend the entire Q&A trying to out-CEO each other.
Cam and Lyndall? The Q&A just leads to another fight about how Cam cringes and mutters “ew” every time his wife tries to kiss him. Things get so heated, he’s forced to say what we’ve known all along.
“I love Lyndall as a person but I’m just not going down that path of falling in love,” he snaps. “That’s where I’m at.”
He then picks up his fork and jams a hunk of steak into his mouth as Lyndall runs off sobbing. The girls swarm after her, leaving the boys to get to the bottom of Cam’s issues.
“Is this the girl for you?” Ollie asks.
“After the homestays? No,” Cam grunts.
Huh. If only the experts had asked that simple question two months ago.
Inside the warehouse, the girls huddle around Lynds. She’s distraught. That’s when Evelyn decides to take matters into her own hands.
“I’m sorry, this is not okay,” she snatches her wine glass and shoots to her feet, marching back to the boys at the dining table.
Uh-oh … she’s clutching a wine glass. Red alert! Red alert!
“Cam! You are such an a**hole!” she yells.
“Really?” he replies, barely caring.
Evelyn’s furious. Mostly because of Cam’s behaviour but also because, earlier in the day, her own husband Rupert described the colour of her dress as “unhealthy piss yellow”.
Pantone’s colour of the year: unhealthy piss yellow.
“You are such an a**hole!” she continues. You’ve strung her along this whole entire time. And for her to hear this in front of everyone is a low f***ing blow!”
Cam turns away, refusing to match her fury. “Is it?” he says flatly. “That’s no good.”
Evelyn isn’t quite sure why he isn’t engaging with her. “Yeah …” she stammers, turning on her heels to walk out. “It is a low f***ing blow – you should be f***ing ashamed of yourself.”
“Don’t trip on ya way out,” he sighs.
Welp, it looks like Cam and Lyndall are officially over. There’s no point in even having a final vow ceremon-
“I’m really excited to get home and make a massive decision … I’ve got a lot to think about for final vows,” Lyndall sniffs.
Wait … What decision? The decision has already been made. You’re not in a relationship anymore. Your husband just rejected you on television. He refuses to walk down cramped hallways with you, lest your bodies lightly brush together. Lady, there are no more decisions.
Just as she reaches the doorway, she pauses and whips around to address her husband. “Harrison, we’re done! We’re over! And I honestly never wanna see you again!”
As she makes her way out of the warehouse, she glances down at her feet with a smile. Often, the answers to life come from the universe or a higher power. And other times, if you’re really lucky, they’re inked to your appendages in a motivational foot tattoo. Things will be okay. She’s just gotta keep takin’ it one step at a time.
Can’t wait until all the MAFS freaks take a million steps away from us.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
