Married At First Sight Australia 2023 episode 31 James Weir recaps

The MAFS groom angering Australia has met his match during an argument at a posh restaurant. James Weir recaps the mess.

OPINION:

A no-nonsense sister on Married At First Sister makes the Australia Day Honours shortlist on Tuesday night when she slaps down her exasperating brother-in-law and plonks him in the bin – all while effortlessly sipping a frozen daiquiri.

Cheers can be heard around Australia in response to the triumph. There’s dancing in the streets. Rumours start circulating that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese will declare a public holiday to celebrate.

Quick! Somebody launch the online petition to make this sister a daiquiri-sipping, truth-telling expert for next year’s season.

James Weir recaps: Read all the recaps and other MAFS stories here.

Another day, another episode of home visits where we judge everyone’s decor.

“This is everything that I am,” Bronte tells Harrison as they look around her sparsely decorated Perth apartment.

So much space for activities!

She makes a random comment about how she’s in a better mood now they’ve arrived in Perth and escaped the chaos of the experiment in Sydney. Harrison latches on to this and plays a twisted mind game.

“I just need someone that I can count on,” he shakes his head with a sigh, implying his wife isn’t committed.

She cocks her head and squints, trying to calculate how on earth he arrived at this conclusion. “I wouldn’t have come on this experiment if I wasn’t willing to move for love,” she clarifies.

So, Harrison, there you have it. Bronte confirms she will pack up her plastic monstera plant and boho pouffe and catch the next train across the outback to Sydney.

We feel ya, Bron.

Back in the Harbour City, a similar topic of conversation comes up over lunch when Evelyn introduces Rupert to her mum Yvonne.

Will he relocate to Sydney? He shrugs and admits he hasn’t given it a lick of thought.

This admission leaves Evelyn concerned. Still, she’s a refined woman and refuses to cause a scene in publi-

“We’ve literally HAD SEX!” she yells.

Welcome to MAFS, Yvonne.

Yvonne’s split-second look to camera says everything.

As the sun sets in Perth, producers march Bronte and Harrison into the city’s finest waterfront restaurant. They proceed to terrorise it with their trademark drama.

Enter: Bronte’s no-nonsense sister Kirra. This is the same sister who threw a fit at the wedding when she found out about Harrison’s alleged girlfriend on the outside. As soon as she arrives, producers place a frozen daiquiri in her hand and just let her do her thing.

She immediately zones in on her sorta brother-in-law and goes full-blown Leigh Sales.

“What the f*** happened?” she asks Harrison with raised eyebrows.

Honestly, Kirra, we couldn’t even explain it if we tried.

At this dinner table, Harrison is facing his greatest challenge. Sure, he has conquered the mountain of gaslighting Bronte, but that was easy-peasy. A talking parrot could gaslight Bronte. Now, the stakes have risen and he has to continue gaslighting Bronte while also gaslighting her sister. There are multiple plates spinning in the air. If Harrison accomplishes this trick, he can take it on the road and charge admission.

“I wouldn’t say we’re not in a good place. We’re not in a great place … but we’re not in a bad place,” he says in a soft, defeated voice before villainising his wife about her apparent refusal to commit.

Bronte scrunches her face, as if her husband just flicked a rubber band at her nose. “I literally said to you so many times, I said, ‘I want this to work.”

That’s when Harrison ignites the gaslight.

“What are you talking about? None of that stuff ever happened,” he says, reciting the phrase straight outta the gaslighter handbook.

But Kirra’s smarter than this. She knows what’s up.

“So she’s making it all up?” she stares at Harrison, daring him to continue.

He doubles down. “What got said was, ‘I would move for love’. You never said, ‘for ME’.”

Kirra then spits facts while wielding her frozen daiquiri.

“In every single narrative you’re spinning, you’re always trying to play victim,” she says. “Do you understand how narcissistic that is? You’re saying her emotions and how she felt in that time is not valid because YOU don’t see it that way.”

The competition has begun. Harrison must land his next response with precision and earn a perfect score from the judging panel.

“That’s incorrect,” he shrugs.

The judging panel isn’t impressed.

“No, it’s not incorrect, Harrison,” Kirra says firmly as fellow patrons look over. “That is narcissistic.”

She rests her case for a moment and takes a long sip.

Quench that thirst, hero.

It’s around now Bronte realises, again, that her husband is manipulating her. “You’re sitting here gaslighting me!”

We can tell Harrison is scrambling because he resorts to one of the emergency phrases in the gaslighter handbook: “We need to stick to the facts.”

Freshly hydrated from her daiquiri, Kirra jumps back in. “By saying, ‘We need to stick to the facts’, are you insinuating that she’s lying?”

Harrison commits to his message. “Yes. Yes.”

Bronte slams her head on the table. “I am shaking right now … I have literally just been called a liar!”

This statement provides a ramp for Harrison to speed back on to the Gaslighter Highway. “Who called you a liar?” he furrows his brow.

“YOU DID!” Bronte and Kirra scream in unison.

Restaurant management immediately regret signing the waiver for a “documentary crew” to film inside their waterfront establishment. They were probably expecting Maeve O’Meara on one of her food safaris. Now they’re stuck catering for the MAFS freaks.

The restaurant owner should sticky-tape this image behind the register with the words “NOT WELCOME” scrawled across it in Sharpie.

“Oh my god! Ughhh! Oh my godddd!” Harrison grasps his head in his hands and hams up his frustration.

Then he pushes his chair back and jumps to his feet.

“So you’re going to get up and be a coward and walk away from me and your wife?” Kirra leans back and stares at her sorta brother-in-law. “If that’s what you want to do, I’ll escort you out. You’re not gonna sit here and be held accountable for being a narcissistic, gaslighting d**khead!”

He starts to storm out.

“Goodbye!” Kirra declares, imitating Cornelia Frances on The Weakest Link before taking a triumphant sip of her daiquiri. “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a coward – thrown in the bin.”

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is an icon:

Another round of frozen daiquiris on us!

Meanwhile, over in Brisbane, Layton and Melinda are engaged in more earth-shattering issues.

“The pair are embroiled in perhaps the most trivial dispute in the history of Married At First Sight … over a cupboard door,” the voice-over lady says.

We find Layton sulking in a park, where he’s supposed to be on a romantic date.

“So, the first thing Mel said this morning was, ‘Thanks for leaving the cupboard door open’,” he huffs.

We’re immediately on Melinda’s side. Boyfriends always leave cupboard doors open. Even if it’s a cupboard that contains nothing of relevance to them, they’ll open it and walk away. Sometimes it seems they just shuffle around opening cupboard doors for fun.

Anyway, that’s why they’re fighting. Cupboard doors. But we all know fights are never really just about cupboard doors. After a few minutes of screaming at each other, it comes out that Melinda is actually upset at the lack of affection. Layton immediately gets defensive.

“We’re at 10 weeks! I’m 35 and I still can’t tell my dad I love him!” he argues.

Melinda looks perplexed. “But you tell your mum you love her!”

“It’s an issue!” Layton screams.

Mate, it’s not just AN issue. It’s one of, like, a million issues.

Guys, just shut up and enjoy the view of the man-made beach.

That’s when he stumbles up from the picnic rug and storms off, leaving the families of South Bank Parklands to cower in terror under the blooming jacarandas.

MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.