The most talked about social experiment returns for it's 10th season in 2023. Video / Three
OPINION:
Married At First Sight producers completely drop the ball when they fly in the controversial mum for a surprise cameo at a boozy girls’ night only to edit her out of the episode, robbing the viewers of OTT sex overshares and erotic Thor fan fiction.
Things have been so quiet since Melissa was banished from the experiment for ambushing her timid husband Josh with her insatiable horniness. Without her, it has just been an endless loop of Bronte getting gaslit. Bor-ing.
So when we find out she’s making a comeback at girls’ night on Tuesday, we’re elated. We immediately have visions of her sipping bottomless glasses of warm pinot grigio while making everyone uncomfortable by one-upping her own sexploit tales. But, sadly, she was ball-gagged … and not in the way she may be familiar with.
Married At First Sight’s controversial mum has made an odd return after being dumped weeks ago. James Weir recaps.
Traditionally, the Married At First Sight boys’ and girls’ nights are ragers and usually end with everyone getting in a feral fight at a random pub while innocent patrons sit at nearby tables eating schnitties. It’s always the best episode of the series. So we know something isn’t quite right when producers delay tonight’s celebrations by filling the first half of the episode with one of Melinda and Layton’s arguments.
It’s the last day of the partner swap, and Bronte continues to spout armchair psychology to Layton because she’s convinced she’s the new fourth expert.
“That’s a red flag,” she says of Melinda, with smug know-it-all confidence.
Bron, ya husband is tangled in so many red flags kids mistake him for a Little Athletics carnival.
Dr Bron.
Meanwhile, Melinda is expecting her husband home any minute. She paces around the apartment, furiously Febrezing.
There isn’t enough Febreze in the world to get the stink outta Trash Tower.
But Layton’s not coming home. After his session with Dr Bronte, he decides he wants to spend one more night away in a different apartment, to clear his head. This is when producers gleefully step in and insist on delivering the message to his wife.
They barge into Melinda’s freshly Febrezed home, dramatically sit her down and warn her of some terribly heartbreaking news they have to share.
“Layton has decided not to come back,” they tell her, making it sound like he has completely dumped her and ran out of Trash Tower without a word.
She starts hyperventilating and assuming the worst. Snapping into Kajillionaire Businesswoman Mode, she marches through the hallways of Trash Tower, ready to pick a fight. She confronts Harrison and Bronte, who will no doubt do impressions of her emotional breakdown when she leaves.
Then she locates Layton at his new apartment, where they proceed to out-CEO each other by yelling corporate lingo that they’ve learnt at various weekend management courses. It goes nowhere. So Melinda mopes home in tears and does the only thing she can do: Some light Febrezing.
Melinda couldn’t help but wonder: had she somehow managed to Febreze her husband out of her life?
When the sun finally sets, producers unlock the gates of Trash Tower and let the freaks loose on the city of Sydney for boys’ and girls’ night. Members of the public scream and run into oncoming traffic at the sight of them.
We urge the general public to not leave their homes tonight as it is unsafe.
The great thing about the boys’ and girls’ night is that MAFS contestants of yore are flown in to pick fights and inflame drama. We squeal when everyone’s favourite controversial mum appears on screen.
“Whoop whoop! Be prepared, girls — Mel is back!” she says while shoulder dancing.
All the other ladies make a comeback, too. Janelle. Sandy. Even Tayla hitches a ride on a salmon trawler and makes her way back to the mainland from Tasmania.
Caitlin, fresh from her motivational arena speaking tour, strides in as confident and level-headed as ever. The time away has allowed her to gain astounding perspective on her tumultuous marriage to Shannon.
“Being married to Shannon was kinda like being at the top of a really big slippery dip … with a pile of elephant sh*t at the bottom,” she tells the girls.
Huh. That’s the same simile we use to describe every episode of MAFS.
You got a lil somethin’ in your eye xx
From the beginning of the evening, something seems off. It’s almost as if producers are refusing to include any moments involving the controversial mum, who is no doubt the breakout star of the series.
We’re certain Melissa has made at least seven inappropriate puns by now — why are they not being aired? #LetHerSpeak. And what about Tayla? Don’t try convincing us that she hasn’t made a bartender cry yet. Channel 9, you’re hiding something.
Instead, producers keep trying to distract us with another argument between Bronte and the rest of the girls about whether Harrison is gaslighting her. She storms out of the pub and none of us care.
Smell ya later xx
We can’t keep having these same conversations. It’s a similar story down the road at the boys’ night — just more of Harrison being Harrison.
Meanwhile, we have a controversial mum sipping warm pinot grigio who’s just bursting to tell us a weird anecdote about her latest Tinder date. Why is she being neglected?
Producers have Febrezed her — as well as any decent moments — from the episode. Release the footage!
We wanna hear Melissa’s wine-fuelled X-rated musings.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
