Lovelorn Lohan in 'absolute hell' after gal pal split

Gossip: Lindsay Lohan says she's in 'absolute hell' after being dumped by Samantha Ronson. Photo / AP

Broken-hearted starlet

Lindsay Lohan

has spilled the beans on her acrimonious split from

sourpuss

gal pal

Samantha Ronson

, saying that she's going through "absolute hell".

Speaking exclusively to Us magazine, LiLo describes how Ronson

dumped her

last Friday after two years of dating, calling it "the worst night of my life".

The combative former couple hitched a ride to Splitsville after what's been reported as a series of arguments last week, culminating in

Ronson barring LiLo 

from a showbiz bash in Hollywood, and locking her former lady love from her home.

As LiLo took time to lick her wounds after her relationship spiraled out of control, she finally declared on Monday that she and Ronson were "

taking a brief break so I can focus on myself

."

Restraining order

But the Ronson camp has a slightly different take on things.

Reports surfaced yesterday that the Ronson clan were mulling over the idea of having a

restraining order slapped

on LiLo, following a weekend of wild rows between the exes.

"On Monday, April 6, 2009, at approximately 5 p.m., members of Samantha Ronson's family came to the Beverly Hills Police Department," a police representative reportedly said.

"They were given information for the process of obtaining a restraining order, which will be administered at the Santa Monica Superior Courthouse."

Ok! magazine claimed that family members were looking into filing a restraining order because Ronson wanted to "send a message" to LiLo.

Ronson's sister, fashion designer Charlotte, reportedly

spoke to police

about the warring damsels.

"She [Lohan] does these things to get attention," she said of the troubled starlet's actions. "She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below... She also followed our brother Mark around."

But in a predicable about face, Ronson's lawyer has now piped up and says that the DJ doesn't need a hand from the law to keep LiLo at bay.

Her lawyer tells people.com: "

Samantha has no plan to request a restraining order. There is no basis for one

."

And a snitch tells the mag: "

Sam does not want a restraining order against Lindsay Lohan. Sam had nothing to do with the restraining order against Lindsay that the police are talking about

."

"Sam and Lindsay are broken up, but Sam does not feel she's in any danger whatsoever. She thinks the whole thing is absurd."

So does LiLo. She's spitting tacks over the humiliating break-up, and tells Us magazine in a tearful interview that she was "baffled by the turn of events."

"I'm not a bad person and this is what happens," a weeping Lohan said. "I was raised to treat people well, and I'm so tired of this drama."

Describing how she was barred by security guards (supposedly under direction from Ronson) from entering an after party for Ronson's sister, she says it was the "worst night of my life".

"Everyone's turned on me," she says. Adding that she was treated with distain by schleb

Nicole Ritchie

at the event. Ritchie supposedly walked by her and said "Uck". Whatever that means.

"I'm a f****** 22-year-old girl who's in love," she says. "I felt like I was in

Mean Girls

, but worse:

Mean Girls

was a movie."

Rumours have been rife that Ronson tried to break up with LiLo over the past month, yet every time she threatened to bring down the curtain, LiLo allegedly threatened to kill herself. An allegation the actress shrugs off with a chuckle.

"I'm just really hurt!" she says. "The whole situation is sick."

Let's party!

Then we stumbled upon this juicy tidbit on Foxnews.com. In a rather

naughty yet compelling report

, the scandal sheet attempts to unravel the curious case of LiLo, and

that

lost weekend.

Most curious of all is LiLo's alleged "door knocking rampage" after she was turfed out of the party. The report says she sought an injection of fun elsewhere at the venue, stumbled upon a gaggle of partying ladies and wanted a piece of the action.

"There was a knock-at-the door and Lindsay Lohan was there.

"She was as orange as a carrot* and her pupils were as big as quarters. She looked awful!"

*That'll be the

shake 'n' bake self-tanning stuff

she's peddling. Oompa to the Loompa!

Meanwhile, Brit tabloid

Mirror

claims that LiLo has thrown herself into the arms of another endeavor as she navigates the bumpy road from love - fake tanning. She's apparently lined up a team of fake-tanners to make her over.

A snitch says: "Linds is so hooked [on fake tanning], she has beauticians come to her home and apply lotion to her as a pick-me-up.

"She actually launched her own self-tan product last month as she is so addicted to getting rid of dodgy looking streaks."

TTF.

Papa's preach

And of course, we've saved the best for last. A LiLo meltdown isn't complete without a papa Lohan intervention...

Lohan's estranged father,

Michael

, has resurfaced and wants us all to know he couldn't be happier about his daughter's love split. "Well, thank God," he told ABCNews.com.

"I think it's a healthy decision that she take a break and relax and pursue her own career and her own goals. What they had was very toxic. It had become very toxic."

"Lindsay doesn't need to keep following Samantha around," he said. "She needs to sit down with her parents. She needs the support of both of us to help her along. Lindsay's an emotional person. I want her to get on with her life in the right direction and a healthy way."

Hallellujah! Praise the Lord! Let's speak in tongues. We agree with the man for a change.

Moving on...

Make it stop. Full stop.

Pirates of the Caribbean

fox

Keira Knightley

has caused a bit of a stir after she appeared in a shocking new advert for charity Women's Aid in the UK. The ad is part of a campaign against domestic violence, featuring the star being beaten by a bloke who accuses her of cheating. It's a strong message.

Of her decision to star in the ad, she said:

"I wanted to take part in this advert for Women's Aid because while domestic violence exists in every section of society, we rarely hear about it. Domestic violence affects one in four women at some point in their lifetime and kills two women every week."

Warning:

Contains scenes of violence. Not for the faint-hearted...

I want, I get...

Is poker-faced songbird

Lady GaGa

getting too big for her latex booties?

The singer, set to play at Acer Arena in Sydney next month as the opening act for

The Pussycat Dolls

, has made some interesting backstage demands before she'll set foot on the stage.

A leaked memo sent to staff at the venue reveals an extensive list of bits and bobs she must have backstage.

Gems include:

Small plate of cheese (non-smelly, non sweaty) on ice

, whole roasted chicken (hot),

packages of starfish tuna (packed in water)

, six assorted vitamin waters (on ice) - assorted flavours, 12 bottles of still water (room temperature),

half a gallon of low fat 1 per cent milk

, Ranch dip (on ice).

Biting the hand that feeds

Rapper boy

Eminem

's big parody-friendly, celeb-bashing comeback video, features a deadpan take on

Bret Michaels

,

Sarah Palin

, exes

LiLo

and

Sam Ro

and a toothy

Amy Winehouse

.

"There's some celebrity bashing in it," Ems said of the video. "I wanna say it's not necessarily intentional bashing in it; it's not necessarily taking deliberate shots at people. ... Yes, it is. What the f*** am I talking about?"

Watch the video

here

Warning:

Some suggestive images and lyrics.

Just because...

Aussie popstrel

Kylie

stars in a new video by fashion photog Von Unwerth to promote the launch of Spanish fashion house Tous' new range of clobber.

Minx.

Misery loves company

Victoria Beckham

isn't happy. And we all know what that means...

The trout pout says she's fed up of being branded as 'miserable' by the media, adding that press coverage about her gives people the wrong impression.

"Everyone thinks that I'm a miserable b**** who goes shopping everyday," she tells

Elle

magazine.

"When you are well-known in the tabloids and you're trying to break into a new industry, it makes it very difficult.

"People get preconceptions. It's hard to change people's thinking, which is what I've set out to do."

Put it back in your purse, Posh.

Fast gossip

Spotted:

Duffy

Down Under:

MRP

More preggo rumours for

Nicole Kidman

:

CW

Amy Winehouse

rides again:

PB

Sarah Jessica Parker

and

Matthew Broderick

reportedly divorcing:

CS

Hulk Hogan

turns down dating show invite:

CO

Kelly Clarkson

horses around:

JJ

Paris

and

Doug Reinhardt

in love and going out:

HR

Josh Hartnett

out and about:

PS

Jessica Simpso

n dumped by record Label:

GH

Miley Cyrus

doesn't like

Robert Pattinson

:

GB

Hugh Jackman

talks about his troubled past:

MRP

Jack Tweed

wants to be buried next to

Jade Goody

:

NOW

Guess who looks better from behind?

SOMGWTF?

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Pictured: As they were: Samantha Ronson (left) and Lindsay Lohan. Photo / AP