The show swiftly moves into the introductions, where we are treated to montages of each of the 10 contestants. There’s a lot of posing in bikinis, flexing of muscles, and pouting of lips.
The first in the line-up is Mimi, a Kiwi who hails from Wellington but lives in Sydney. Mimi wants old-school romance right out of a Jane Austen novel - in other words, someone who will “throw stones at her window”. Ah, yes, romantic.
Mimi is also sick of “nonchalant men”, she says. She wants “chalant men”, or, in her words, a “golden retriever who looks like a rottweiler”.
Next is nursing student Hannah, a self-proclaimed princess who believes in the power of manifestation. She is looking for a man who is “tall” and “tanned” with “dark features”. She also wants “teeth”, although she doesn’t elaborate on what type of teeth she’s looking for. I suppose a few will do the job.
The third of the five girls is “edgy” Em, a 26-year-old (more on that later) who declares Love Island has “never seen anyone” like her. Yes, we’ve never before seen a leggy, gorgeous model with cropped hair and tattoos. Em is looking for another wild child to win her heart - ie, “not cookie-cutter in chinos”. Got it.
Then there’s Xanthe, a 21-year-old property stylist who has already planned every detail of her wedding. The only thing missing? Well, a groom.
Last but not least, Eilisha - a self-confessed “clinger” who gets “very jealous”. She’s looking for a bad boy. Sounds healthy.
But of course, an all-expenses-paid summer soirée in Mallorca isn’t why they’re here - they’re here to find The One, TM. And that elusive one could just be one of our next five contestants - bring on the boys.
In a blur of tattoos, unbuttoned shirts and in one case, socks and sandals, the male Islanders make their entrance.
The first of the boys is 23-year-old Indigo. He’s “respectful, loyal, loving and husband material”, the verbal equivalent of raising a red flag to a bull.
Next is Dylan, a ridiculously good-looking man with an added bonus: an Irish accent. He gives off “f*** boy” energy, he concedes, but is in fact a “certified lover boy”.
Third is Kane, an Adelaide chippy who’s never been in a relationship but is looking for the real deal. He seems quite genuine, and he has a moustache. A winning combo.
Fourth is Niko, a self-described builder by day, “party boy” by night. Niko isn’t looking for much: just a girl who’s “exactly like me - hot”, he says with a laugh. Another requirement? “Good feet - pedicures every week.” This is coming from the man in socks and slides.
Last up is Zane, a man who loves the chase and being chased in equal measure. The girls ask him what his ideal date would be, to which he responds a picnic at sunset. He shares he would even make the food himself, prompting a series of “awws”. The bar really is on the floor.
Next on the agenda is “Try Before You Buy”, a segment that allows the girls to each choose two boys to kiss before deciding who they’d like to couple up with. Cue a lot of slurping and saliva, while the contestants stand around and watch like a weird soft-porn panopticon.
Then it’s time for the inaugural “coupling up”. The girls must run to their first choice of boy and “stand on his heart” - a pink cut-out on the ground. Zane gets picked three times after being chosen by all five for a kiss. Dylan and Kane get picked by Eilisha and Xanthe respectively, while poor old Niko and Indigo get left out. I guess Indigo wasn’t anyone’s favourite colour.
As we’re not on Polygamy Island, Zane can’t couple up with all three, so he picks Mimi - leaving Hannah with Niko and Em with Indigo.
Monk takes her leave, and the Islanders waste no time getting to know each other. We are treated to an enthralling conversation between new couple Niko and Hannah, who are discussing their respective eye colours.
“Mine are brown and terrible,” Niko complains. “Naurrr,” Hannah replies.
They both like walking, and each other’s bodies.
“She has titties,” Niko declares in a confessional. Good observation.
We move on to Em and Indigo. Em reveals she is almost 27, to which a clearly unimpressed Indigo replies, “That’s not too bad.”
Em reveals she is a vegan, to which a clearly unimpressed Indigo replies, “I like meat.” She gets offended when he asks if she would still cook him meat. The chemistry is palpable.
“Vegans are great people,” Indigo clarifies in a confessional after saying he himself would be roasted for bringing a vegan home to meet the family. ”They’re people,” he adds uncertainly. Yes, they are.
Meanwhile, Xanthe is a fan of Kane’s Russian surname, a big tick for a girl who’s already planned her wedding. He’s a carpenter and she’s a property stylist - I sense a couples’ home-renovation account on the horizon.
Kane, who has struggled to string a coherent sentence together in the gorgeous Xanthe’s presence, says he likes their flowing conversation and feels they could talk forever.
We then see Eilisha and Dylan bonding over their shared Irish heritage. Eilisha can speak some Gaelic and tries to have a conversation in the language; Dylan can’t speak Gaelic and tells her this. Eilisha tries again to converse in Gaelic. Moving on.
Zane and Mimi seem giggly and giddy, until Mimi admits in a confessional that she doesn’t have the urge to “rip his clothes off” and, quote on quote, “bite his lip off”. Dare I say that’s probably a good thing?
The Islanders are then seen getting ready for their first night in the villa. A clearly unimpressed Indigo complains that Em is a vegan and claims that 27 is “pretty old”. I myself am 27 years old, and decide then and there that Indigo should be dumped for clear ageism and disrespect of elders.
Outside, Niko and Hannah bond over having no sense of direction. Hannah turns around in a circle to demonstrate what she’d be like if she were a compass. They agree they would both be Captain Jack Sparrow’s broken compass from Pirates of the Caribbean. Hannah says their banter is “chef’s kiss”. Dear God.
Spin the Bottle is interrupted by the first, “I got a texttttttt!” of the season. The text announces the first bombshell - a brand-new contestant - has arrived. A cacophony of squeals ensues, and the girls head to the firepit to meet their new prospective beau. They are greeted by Taylor, 28, who declares he’s going to show the boys “what a real man is” as the montage cuts to him performing push-ups in pink shorts.
“He looks a bit old,” one boy announces as they watch on. I bet it was Indigo.
Another text announces that as the first bombshell, Taylor can kiss two girls of his choice as a “welcome gift”. He picks Hannah and Eilisha as a jealous Niko watches on.
“He’ll have to go through me to get to Hannah,” Niko declares. Swords have been drawn - and I’m off to put on my anti-ageing serum.
Love Island Australia is available to watch on TVNZ+ with new episodes Tuesday to Friday.
Lana Andelane is an entertainment and lifestyle journalist. She was previously lifestyle editor at Newshub, where she began her career as a news producer in 2019. She enjoys writing about music, pop culture, fashion and beauty.
