Karl Puschmann: Stallone’s dull reality TV show is not a knockout

Sophia, Sistine, Sylvester, Jennifer Falvin and Scarlet Stallone at home in LA, CA. The Family Stallone streaming on Paramount+, 2023. Photo Credit: Art Streiber/Paramount+

There were no explosions. No mullets, rippling muscles or red headbands. There was a shoot-out. But it was in the safety-conscious surrounds of a shooting range and not the life-ending danger of LA’s mean streets in the 90s or foreign jungles of the 80s so it doesn’t count.

Yes, there’s a distinct lack of action in Sylvester Stallone’s new reality TV show. And not just of the kind that this great of action man of cinema made his name. In The Family Stallone, nothing happens. Not that I can remember anyway. And I watched three episodes in a row only an hour ago.

In that regard, the show, which has just started streaming on TVNZ+, could be the most realistic reality TV show of all time. Think about your average day. Things happened, sure, but nothing happened. Not really. It’s why we don’t waste people’s time when they ask things like, “What did you get up to on the weekend?” by typically answering “not much”.

The Family Stallone is the “not much” of reality TV. Cameras follow Sly, his wife Jennifer and their three 20-something daughters Sistine, Sophia and Scarlett as they … well, they don’t really do much.

Here’s what I remember happening in those opening episodes: Sly has an obviously staged coffee with Al Pacino and Al Pacino’s wild hair, Jennifer jumps into the ocean to get a photo beside a big fish and one of the three interchangeable daughters moves out of the family Stallone’s family home to go to university in Miami while another breaks up with her long-distance boyfriend.

That’s nearly every major plot point from the opening episodes. As I said, there’s not much going on.

This is puzzling because in real life - as opposed to the fake reality that the reality TV show is selling you - there was a lot going on. Jennifer filed for divorce. Sly had his tattoo of her covered up with a portrait of his dog. They reconciled. He had another tattoo of her covered up with the face of a leopard.

You could say things with the family Stallone got real for a spell there. Forget dynamite and landmines. This chain of events would have made for truly explosive television. But you’d never know any of this by watching The Family Stallone.

Instead, Sly plays the doting husband and loving father whose only wish in this life is to spend his “currency”, aka time, with his family. Jennifer is the proud house mum who keeps things running while her husband is away filming. And the daughters are there as well. They are presented as the ideal loving family. A family for your family to aspire to.

Which is why it’s boring. Nice people being nice to each other isn’t exactly riveting viewing. The show clearly knows this as it goes out of its way to heighten the drama in any way it can. So we see the notoriously over-protective Sly being pranked that one of his daughters is pregnant and have a sub-plot over his other daughter’s break up with her long-distance boyfriend who we never see.

The show’s saving grace is, unsurprisingly, Sly himself. His movie star power is not diminished at all by the low-rent TV it’s now shining in. He’s charismatic with a sly humour. Whether relishing his role as the grumpy, boyfriend-terrifying dad, heckling his brother Frank or talking directly to camera about whatever mundane thing we’ve just seen in the show, he’s frequently very funny.

He also fancies himself something of a philosopher, imparting the wisdom he gathered during his 76 years on this earth to anyone who will listen. Most of it sounds like it’s straight out of one of Rocky’s motivational speeches. Motivational nuggets like, “It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward” and “Time is your currency. Don’t waste your currency on just anyone.”

The Family Stallone is slick and glossy and admittedly easy to watch. It may be mostly dull but humans are biologically nosy so getting a peek into the lives of a rich and famous movie star and his family is always going to hold fascination. Even when it’s mostly dull.

So, much as I hate to say it, when it comes to being a reality TV star, Rambo’s been completely outgunned by the Kardashians.