Karl Puschmann: It's not perfect - some gripes with The Force Awakens

Herald online

18 Dec, 2015 01:45 AM5 mins to read

Opinion

The force may be strong with Star Wars: The Force Awakens but as the old saying goes, 'haters gonna hate'. So join Karl Puschmann on the dark side as he fulfils his destiny with a spoileriffic list of the Top 15 WTF moments in the new film. (Warning: Spoilers)

A hope you haven't seen Episode IV

The Force Awakens should have been titled A New Hope: Remix as it essentially follows the 1977 original almost beat for beat. It may throw in some vibes from The Empire Strikes Back and a hint of Return of the Jedi but there's no escaping the (over) familiarity of events.

A planet with fricking laser beams on its head

Back in the day the Rebels only had to worry about destroying a Death Star. Now the Resistance have to deal with the immense destructive powers of a... Death Planet! Go big or go home, I guess.

They do run run

Need to convey excitement? Have all of your characters RUN ALL OF THE TIME. Just watching Rey and Finn constantly dashing about gave me the stitch.

Hokey religion and ancient weaponry

At the very beginning of the film our two heroes think Jedis are just a myth. Therefore it stands to reason that they never would have seen a lightsaber before. Nevertheless the very first time they get their hands on one they both turn out to be EXPERT duelers. Wuuuut?

First you get Finn deflecting blaster fire and chopping down Stormtroopers like it ain't no thang, then a little later Rey opens up a major can of whoop ass on a dude who has spent years training in the weapon's use with Luke Skywalker. Force or no Force, I gotta call BS on that one.

This is the droid you're looking for

"Chewie, you stay here in the quiet, safe woods and repair the damage to the Millennium Falcon.

"Highly recognisable robot that we know for a fact everyone is looking for, you're rolling with us as we enter this hive of scum and villainy. I'm sure it'll be fine. Let's go!"

Don't the resistance have IT support?

If that jerk R2-D2 had booted out of 'low power' mode and given up those missing co-ordinates just a smidgen earlier countless lives on both sides would not have died in a ferocious and devastating battle.

The second the fighting stopped R2 starts singing like a bird and being all 'beep bloorp beep beep'. Seriously, dude? Maybe the Resistance should have tried turning him off and on again.

Here's exactly where all the traps are!

"When I'm not out Stormtrooping I mainly clean toilets. Fortunately my janitorial training also included modules on the exact location of the Death Planet's shield generators and the co-ordinates to all of its vulnerabilities. You just need to attack here and here on this blue glowy map. Man, I bet a lot of Bothans died bringing you these blueprints."

Who's bad?

Just in case murdering innocent villagers and blowing up countless worlds with their Death Planet hadn't convinced you that the First Order are really bad dudes just take a look at the Nazi vibe of their iconography and pep talk rallies. Subtle.

This bucket of bolts?

Jaaku is a desert planet full of scavengers ripping apart every machine they can find and hawking them off to a junk dealer in exchange for portions of whatever portions are.

But somehow every scavenger missed the perfectly operational spaceship parked smack-bang right there in town.

To be fair it is covered in a blanket so I guess they just didn't see it?

Anyway, as Rey and Finn are being chased she reveals that the piece of garbage hasn't flown in years. Fortunately it doesn't need keys, starts on first go, has a full tank of gas and flies perfectly well allowing our heroes to dramatically escape. Phew!

I guess 'Darth Baddie' was already taken

Oh, how we used to mock George Lucas and his terrible character names like Darth Maul, Darth Sidious and Darth Really Quite Unpleasant.

Then we found out the big bad of the new film is some fool called Supreme Leader Snoke? Snoke?

Really? I'm pretty sure Snoke is a character from Jersey Shore or a Dr Suess book.

Size matters not

Roughly 12 X-Wings can out fight not just dozens and dozens of Tie-Fighters but also all of the really big cannon defences that the First Order have set up around the vulnerable oscillator of their Death Planet.

Did you try Google maps?

As far as the Resistance is concerned Luke has simply... disappeared into self-imposed exile. With no contact details and no forwarding address how will they ever find him?

Good thing he left that highly detailed map leading to his hiding place in Scotland.

Hate leads to whining, whining leads to the Dark Side

If you're a baddie never under any circumstances take off your evil mask. The second Kylo Ren pops off his dome he goes from being a terrifyingly menacing guy to being a whiny Anakin wannabe. To turn to the dark side I guess you just have to be a whiny little beearch.

I've got a bad feeling about this

Both the Empire and the Resistance have little regard for Health and Safety regulations. Their architects continue to design structures with cavernous holes that can only be crossed via rickety single file footbridges. For extra evil points you can forget about adding handrails. I'm surprised Stromtroopers aren't dropping like flies tbh.