If I find myself watching Peter Parker get bitten by a magical spider before once again blubbing like a baby at his murdered uncle's side as he questions just how much responsibility his newfound great power brings, then I'm going to feel very stupid indeed.
At this point the oldest grandma in the remotest Pygmy tribe living in the deepest, darkest recess of the Amazon jungle knows the origin story of the costumed webslinger.
It's a tale that the movies have shown us twice already in just over a decade. A third time would not be a charm. Unless of course you can now get charms of stupidity for stupid people to wear while they stupidly watch the same damn story for a third time. Yup, I'm well over origin stories. The fact they keep getting made and I keep watching them has me starting to question my own intelligence - something long-term readers have been doing for a while now.
If Spider-Man's alter-ego Peter Parker must star in a new Spider-Man film then please just have him swing in as Spider-Man right from the start and get down to business.
I reckon that would be the smart thing to do. But there's an even smarter thing that I'm hoping will happen.
It may be stupid of me but I'm hoping Peter Parker will not be in the new Spider-Man film at all. It's a big call. But it'd be a smart move. Parker is old, boring, done. Give him - and us - a break already. But how? You can't have Spider-Man without Peter Parker. That's who he is. Right? Wrong.
Now that Sony Pictures have smartly ceded control of the filmic friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man to Marvel Studios, the time is more than right for a new Spidey. A fresh Spidey. A black Spidey.
This is a move Sony have proven they don't have the talent, vision or skill to pull off. Hell, they couldn't even reboot plain old Peter Parker properly. So full kudos to them for being smart enough to see this.
But Marvel Studios ... they know what they're doing. If they can make a mega-blockbuster out of a film starring a talking tree and raccoon flying about in space then bringing the earthly adventures of Miles Morales to the big screen should be no problemo.
Morales' story started in the very good Ultimate Comics: Spider-Man series in 2011, written by Marvel's top talent Brian Michael Bendis. I don't want to get too bogged down in the mind-bogglingly convoluted goings on of the Marvel universe here, but the super short version is that the teenage half African-American and half Latino Morales takes on the mantle of Spider-Man following the death of Peter Parker.
The character of Morales is new, contemporary and, despite being a whole new character, still has all the traits that makes Spider-Man such a firm favourite.
Under Bendis' stewardship the character is not defined by his ethnicity, it's just a part of who he is. This in turn pushes the character of Spider-Man into places that 50 years' worth of Peter Parker has never been able to take us.
The added benefit to this is that I wouldn't feel stupid paying to see Spider-Man's origin story again because it would be one I haven't seen.
Morales works and his Spider-Man should totally be on the big screen. I only hope they're smart enough to realise.
