Gary Oldman as slovenly spy chief Jackson Lamb in Slow Horses, streaming on Apple TV+.
Gary Oldman as slovenly spy chief Jackson Lamb in Slow Horses, streaming on Apple TV+.
I have no scientific evidence whatsoever to back up this claim but I'm willing to bet that most men think they'd make a pretty decent spy. It doesn't matter what profession they work in, becoming a spy will still feel like a viable "Plan B".
Maybe it's because webelieve our skills will be transferable to spying no matter what career path we've followed. Mechanic? Can hot wire cars and tinker with enemy engines; invaluable. Accountant? Ability to quickly scan and understand complex numerical documents; essential. Intersection windscreen washer? Can get close to otherwise inaccessible people in their cars and momentarily hold up traffic; bound to be handy at some stage.
Perhaps the fact that we don't know very much about being a spy is the reason we all think we could do it. How hard can it be? I like martinis.
However, the sad fact of the matter is that I have no idea how you become a spy. So even if I wanted to - which I honestly don't because it feels like it's a job that involves far too much running - I wouldn't know where to send my CV.
But let's just imagine that I did and was now spying for a living. I can see myself attacking the new job with vigour and vim. I'd get some dark shades, an expensive watch and a better haircut. I'd sneak and snoop and report back my findings and there is no question that I'd definitely flub it up.
Gary Oldman, Rosalind Eleazae and Dustin Demri-Burns in Slow Horses.
I can believe I'd make a good spy but I know I'd be a terrible spy. I don't like following orders for a start and that appears to be a big part of it. James Bond may get away with ignoring the commands of his superiors but I don't think I'd have the necessary spy skills to disobey orders and still save the day.
The overwhelming likelihood is that if I was to become a spy I'd end up in a place like Slough House, the fetid, festering building that's home to Gary Oldman's team of spies in Apple TV+'s new comedically dark, espionage thriller Slow Horses.
"Another day dawns on MI-F***ing useless," his character Jackson Lamb wheezes in begrudging greeting to his charges, which comprise solely of failures, let downs, has-beens and stuff-ups.
Slough House is home to the so-called "slow horses" - get it? - a dead-end career purgatory for those spies that really blew it out in the field. Instead of glamorous, or even helpful, spy jobs they instead spend their years tasked with lowly grunt work, like cataloguing parking tickets from the 90s or hunting through decades-old tax returns.
Gary Oldman as Jackson Lamb and Jack Lowden as River Cartwright in Slow Horses.
It's so grim, seemingly pointless, that Slough House's new transfer River Cartwright is given two big bags of rubbish to search through with no other instruction. Upon completing his rancid job he reports back to Lamb.
"Did you find anything?" Lamb asks, wholly disinterested.
With a hint of exasperation, Cartwright answers, "I don't know what I'm looking for".
"The remnants of a once-promising career," Lamb sneers back in reply.
Lamb is a truly miserable character; mean, drunk, greasy and at peace with his failure. The young go-getter Cartwright, who the show positions as the main protagonist, is equally as bad only in reverse; he's ambitious, arrogant in his abilities and defiant of the chain of command.
Indeed, it's his penchant for not following orders that's behind his crushing assignment to Slough House. During the show's thrilling opening sequence he ignores an instruction to stand down and instead hoofs after a suspected terrorist at full speed through an airport. An action that ends in fatal disaster.
Freddie Fox and Kristin Scott-Thomas in Slow Horses.
In Slough House the pair butt heads. To be fair Lamb dislikes everyone but he takes a special interest in disliking Cartwright, telling him outright, "I don't like you".
Oldman is always sensational but here he's a prickly delight, delivering his caustic one-liners with a malevolent grin and seemingly having a ball playing the worst boss ever. The supporting cast don't drop the ball and I found myself very quickly invested in the show.
While spy incompetents is not a new concept it is one that's usually played for laughs, see Mike Myers' swingin' Austin Powers, Rowan Atkinson's Johnny English or Don Adams' brilliant bumbler Maxwell Smart from mid-60s spy spoof Get Smart.
Gary Oldman and Kristin Scott-Thomas in Slow Horses.
Here, the concept's played straight, putting the B-team into an escalating espionage thriller and giving them the chance to pull it together and escape the administrative purgatory they're trapped in. Whether they can or not remains to be seen.
With its razor-sharp one-liners, gripping spy thriller storyline and Oldman's joyously slovenly performance, Slow Horses is a series I quickly jumped on.
And while we may all have those super spy fantasies, it also serves as a grim reality check of what the future would hold if one was to attempt an ill-advised, mid-life career change.
