Oh for god's sake, get a stateroom. Photo / Jennifer Lopez, Instagram
Oh for god's sake, get a stateroom. Photo / Jennifer Lopez, Instagram
OPINION:
The best/worst thing about a break-up is having your new post-split life constantly compared to your ex's.
For us regular people, this game usually plays out on Instagram. We stalk our ex's profile and judge their every move. It's dangerous. One single post can be the difference between you feeling victorious or like a loser.
Away from the internet, friends will text you updates from the wild: random sightings of your ex buying supermarket sushi or bits of gossip they've heard from sorta-friends. No matter how many years have passed, we all keep a running tally in our heads of who is winning post break-up.
Celebrities are no different. In fact, it's forced on them. Even if they try to keep it classy by not posting or lurking on Instagram, they can't escape the tabloid paparazzi who helpfully document their post-split movements in photographs that are then compiled and compared in a comprehensive timeline on the internet so we can all see who's winning. Convenient!
Which brings us to … Bennifer 2.0. For those of you who never read an NW magazine between 2002 and 2004, Bennifer is the blended nickname gifted to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez when they dated — the first time. Yes, they're back together, 17 years after they broke off their engagement, because noughties nostalgia is in — along with butterfly hairclips, body glitter and, hopefully soon, Jennifer Love Hewitt's music career.
Bennifer reignited the flame after Lopez split with baseball star Alex Rodriguez following a two-year engagement. And after months of paparazzi shots showing the pair in the early days of their Round Two, they finally made it official on Instagram this weekend. Lopez posted a pic of them kissing on a $130 million yacht in St Tropez, where they're celebrating her 52nd birthday.
Of course, the steamy getaway wouldn't be complete if paparazzi pics weren't snapped of Bennifer along with their respective exes' so all of us normal people can compare and contrast their lives.
Who wins the weekend? The contenders are Bennifer, A-Rod and Affleck's ex-wife and mother to their three kids, Jennifer Garner. Hint: The answer is Jennifer Garner. Jennifer Garner will always win. Scroll on to see why.
Bennifer's steamy weekend
The couple has been celebrating Lopez's birthday in St Tropez on a $130 million yacht. The pics of the yacht are all over the internet and while the vessel boasts seven bedrooms across six decks, it honestly doesn't look that great.
It doesn't matter how hot and heavy your new relationship is, the idea of being stuck with someone on a boat sounds like a nightmare. There's also a lack of privacy, which is how the latest pap photos were taken of the couple sunbaking while Affleck petted Lopez's butt. Yes, you read correctly: He was petting it.
Then they had to catch a speedboat to the mainland where they indulged in a celebratory birthday dinner at celeb hotspot L'Opera that, from the photos, looks like it had less atmosphere than a Hog's Breath Cafe.
At the end of the night they had to shuffle back down to the marina and jump in a water taxi to get back out to their houseboat.
A-Rod's copycat weekend
Jennifer Lopez's ex Alex Rodriguez isn't letting their break-up ruin his own getaway.
Just days before Lopez was photographed on the SS Bennifer, A-Rod was also papped living it up with bikini babes on a yacht floating around the same location off the coast of St Tropez on the French Riviera.
It must be noted that his yacht featured an inflatable water slide off one deck and he was pictured flying down it. Let's call it right now — A-Rod: 1. Bennifer: 0. 'Tis the power of an inflatable water slide.
And just one night before Bennifer went to L'Opera, A-Rod also dined there and reportedly SAT IN THE SAME BOOTH. This means so much but also nothing at all.
"Before they broke up, J-Lo and A-Rod had planned a trip together to the French Rivera for her birthday," an insider told E! News. "Ultimately, he decided not to change his plans and still go — and she also decided to keep her trip but go with Ben, which is why they're all there right now."
Well. That seems perfectly normal and not petty at all.
This is a picture of a man feeling fine. Fine, dammit! Photo / A Rod, Instagram
Jennifer Garner's wholesome weekend
Jennifer Garner will always be leaps and bounds ahead of all of us. The wholesome cooking videos she posts on Instagram should be recommended by psychologists as a clinically proven way to alleviate depression.
She doesn't need $130 million yachts or inflatable water slides. What was she doing on the weekend her ex-husband went Instagram official with J-Lo? Everything. She went and lived out our fantasy of getting her life sorted ahead of yet another busy week.
Saturday kicked off with a visit to the house she's building in Brentwood, Los Angeles, where she gave friends a walk-through tour of the construction site.
Then it was off to the local farmers' market to pick up a selection of flowers along with some fresh produce for the week.
And as if we couldn't love Jennifer Garner any more, she went and confirmed that, when it comes to grapes, it's perfectly acceptable to try-before-you-buy.
