It's a sign of the times. Who doesn't feel like throwing a handbag right now? We're all exhausted and exasperated. We just couldn't be bothered anymore.
Cameras only captured Elton pelting the purse once, but last week while performing in Perth he launched a foul-mouthed tirade at some security guards and I'm sure if there was a handbag nearby he would've swung it into the crowd with mighty precision. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why he didn't have at least one handbag with him on stage – he was wearing a sparkly tuxedo jacket and pink diamanté glasses. It's not like another accessory would've been excessive.
Anyway, my point is, Elton knows what's what and it's that time of year where we're all fed up and ready to start throwing our handbags. Gosh, there's only a few weeks left but it feels more uphill than ever.
What I'd give to pull out a clutch purse and pistol-whip everyone I work with. Family members also better duck if they don't want to cop a bag to the head.
If you're braving a Westfield today you might want to first stop off at Strandbags, just so you can acquire enough totes to throw at all the annoying people who get in your way.
What is it about a shopping centre that causes some people to completely lose the ability to walk properly? People walking too slowly, people who don't stand to the left on the escalator, people who barge out of shops without paying attention to oncoming foot traffic. They all deserve to have a handbag thrown at them.
Untamed kids also better watch out for airborne luxury leather goods. Same goes for those people who walk through a busy carpark and get in their vehicle only to pull out their phone, making other desperate drivers wait endlessly for the space. If you do this, update your insurance to include windscreen protection because a handbag will be clobbered against your window.
Then there are the real criminals – the people who text-and-walk. Or worse, FaceTime-and-walk. It's one of the most selfish acts of modern society – expecting the whole world to move around you and army-roll out of your way because you refuse to look up from your phone.
This is worse than texting-while-driving and, because the Government refuses to let me table my own legislation, I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands and swing my duffel bag into the offenders as I speed-walk by them in my metallic purple tracksuit.
