James Weir: Simple solution to Ellen DeGeneres 'hate' problem

Ellen DeGeneres addresses the toxic workplace scandal on her show. Photo / YouTube

WARNING: Bachelor spoiler ahead.

COMMENT

A profound lesson has come by way of a third nipple that may help Ellen DeGeneres while she navigates the choppy waters as the world's captain of meanness.

It came to light this week The Bachelor's Locky Gilbert has a third nipple. I know, I'm also surprised it didn't make the front page.

Ever since his time on Survivor, he seemed flawless. Aside from some poorly selected tattoos that really haven't aged well, some might even have deemed him the dream man. But no one's perfect.

He surprised us all by bravely sharing his harrowing story of being in possession of a third nipple. We even witnessed close up footage of it.

Sure, he could've had it lasered off. Or frozen with some cryotherapy treatments. But he has chosen not to.

Instead, he owns it. Not only that – he's putting it out there on display. Loud and proud.

It's a wonderful lesson in owning your perceived flaws. A friend of mine has excess nail wick. Can you imagine? There's probably not even a surgery that could fix that. So she just has to own it.

How does Locky's third nipple apply to Ellen? Well, there are clearly many parallels, but the most prominent is the lesson about owning who you are.

Ellen premiered the newest season of her talk show this week and, in the first two minutes, addressed head-on the persistent allegations that have battered her this year. She apologised and she threw some jokes in because, you know, she's a comedian.

And then all the woke bloggers started writing their arts degree essays about how the apology was bad and why she's a bigger meanie than she was before.

As long as woke Twitter continues to over-analyse the nuances of everything that's ever said, Ellen's never going to win.

One of the girls inspects Locky's third nipple. Photo / Channel 10

Whether she's mean or not, she just needs to own her proverbial third nipple. Instead of hiding it, draw attention to it. In Locky's case, this could mean piercing it.

Ellen's show has been going for almost two decades and it was time for a shake up. While addressing the reports this week, she spoke about the traps of being known as the "be kind" lady.

Well, being kind is for losers. Everyone reckons you're mean? Get mean.

Enough with all the feel good content. She can stop giving money away to charities. And don't bother any more with surprising down-on-their-luck families with cash and prizes.

She can now evolve – and maybe embrace what we loved above the talk shows of yore. The holy trinity: Jerry Springer, Ricki Lake and Maury.

We want paternity tests and lie detector assessments. There's not enough cheaters being exposed on daytime TV any more. And furniture throwing! (Side note: Studio 10 can include all of these ideas in their new shake-up.)

If people think Ellen's mission to bring joy is just a facade, then she should lean into the negative.

Get that Karen who stole the old man's Ooshies onto the show and gee-up the audience to boo and throw the miniature figurines at her while she screams back, "Y'all don't know me! Y'all don't know me!"

The close-up of the third nipple that we were all treated to. Photo / Channel 10

Who knew so much wisdom could be mined from a third nipple.

THE PITFALLS OF NEW HAIRCUT CONFIDENCE

Harry and Megan got bold when they urged Americans to "reject hate speech" and vote in the upcoming US election – and haircut confidence is clearly to blame.

It gets the better of us all. One trip to the hairdresser and you think you're invincible.

Harry debuted a choppy new cut this week just as a video of the couple dropped where they effectively endorsed Joe Biden.

Obviously he can't even vote but that didn't stop him from getting involved. Such is the effect of new haircut confidence.

Donald Trump didn't like it and told Harry to pull his woman into line.

"I'm not a fan of hers," he told reporters at a White House press briefing. "I would say this – and she probably has heard that – I wish a lot of luck to Harry, because he's going to need it."

Ironically, Trump has permanent new haircut confidence despite desperately needing a haircut.

It's not the first time he has lashed out at the former duchess. They've been locked in a long-running feud – though not as long as the b*tch fight Prince Philip has waged with Fergie.

Last year ahead of Trump's trip to the UK, he was told by a reporter Meghan labelled him a "misogynist" during the 2016 election.

"I didn't know she was that nasty," he replied to a reporter.

If the feud escalates, they can go on Ellen's revamped talk show and battle it out while the audience chants.