This MAFS couple chose the worst time to have sex for the first time. It ended with the husband gym-shaming his wife.
This MAFS couple chose the worst time to have sex for the first time. It ended with the husband gym-shaming his wife.
OPINION:
A Married At First Sight couple has sex for the very first time on Monday night just hours after the husband tells his wife he’s not attracted to her and — surprise! — it only makes things worse.
We see the husband disappear and hide for six hours. Then he shames his wife for not going to the gym. But the biggest red flag? He quotes Carrie Bradshaw.
The problems in this marriage have come out of nowhere. And in the space of 24-hours, it becomes more unbearable than Harrison’s endo sympathy pains.
After Sunday’s commitment ceremony, where Dan publicly told Sandy he’s not attracted to her, they went home and had a big fight. Then they decided it was the perfect time for their … first time. Dan hasn’t been seen since.
We find her frantically calling Dan on the phone. It keeps ringing out. She furiously redials his number and leaves another voicemail. It’s a total waste — she knows it. No one listens to voicemail. But she needs to do something — anything — to feel like she’s saving her marriage. The automated voice on the phone invites her to leave a message after the beep. So she does.
‘The number you have dialled has been disconnected. Goodbye.’
“I feel stupid,” she starts to sob.
“Maybe he’s just more into texting,” we helpfully reply. “Some people have a lot of anxiety around phone calls. There’s all those memes about it.”
She ignores our sympathetic advice and continues to spiral.
“I feel like we slept together and then you kinda treat me like I don’t exist,” she starts thinking out loud, rehearsing what she wants to say to Dan.
She could always just quote MAFS veteran Tracey Jewel and accuse her husband of trying to “hib ip and quib ip”.
Things could be worse … you could be married to Harrison.
About seven hours later, Dan arrives home and pretends like he didn’t almost get officially added to the national missing persons database.
“I can’t believe you’re arguing with me about going for a run,” he snaps, before marching outside to rant.
“I’m an active guy – I’m into my health, I’m into my fitness. At no point through this whole experiment has Sandy demonstrated that she is a very active and outdoorsy person whatsoever.”
Um, OK, Michelle Bridges.
Imagine having your partner talk to you like you’re a contestant on The Biggest Loser.
It’s around now we dash across the hall to check in on Harrison and see how he’s coping with his endometriosis. He’s making a cup of tea and heating up a wheat pack in the microwave.
“Seeing you in that state really effected me — especially going in there alone,” he tells Bronte about having to attend the commitment ceremony alone. She listens while writhing in pain on the couch and clutching her stomach. “I just felt completely out of my comfort zone.”
Wow. Bronte should apologise for putting you through all that. She should be making you cups of tea.
“I’m just tryna make it as comfortable as possible (for her) … I haven’t gone to the gym today — that’s just the sorta person I am,” he nods.
We’re so lucky to have men like you, Harrison. A selfless trooper. There should be some kind of government award. In fact, you should be the face of endometriosis and appear in bus shelter ads.
Take a seat, Harrison. You’ve been through a lot.
Because tonight isn’t toxic enough, producers decide to bring back the Hot Or Not challenge for the new couples. Tayla and Hugo are both given a stack of headshots featuring the faces of the other husbands and wives. The task? Rank them in order of hotness.
Tayla goes and blime-fibes us by placing her husband in first place even though she has spent the whole week crapping on about how she’s not attracted to him. And then we get blime-fibe-eb again when Hugo takes the opportunity to seek revenge on Tayla by placing her dead last.
“I wanna put you first. Hundred per cent you’re in the top three,” he begins. " … But … I mean … do you reckon you deserve to be put at the top with how you’ve been treating me?”
Ooh. Daddy’s mad. Tayla kinda likes it. He decides to rank her headshot second-last and then she sulks on the couch and lies about having a tooth ache.
The glamorous life at Trash Tower.
Back at Dan and Sandy’s house, they’ve got company arriving. It’s the worst possible timing — which is why producers organised it. Dan’s friend Georgina and Sandy’s sister Kiran are roped into brunch and have to sit there in silence while the post-sex smokebomb is argued about.
“I don’t think he likes me,” Sandy declares while everyone sips their mimosas.
Dan goes back to shaming his wife for not having a Fitness First Platinum membership.
“I’m a very active man. I’m climbing mountains, paddling in rivers, swimming in waterfalls,” he stresses. “But you’re not an active person and you don’t wanna be and I’m not feeling that energy connection — and energy is so important to me.”
Mmmhmmm. Mmmhmmm. So, to quote Adam, you’re not vibin’?
Sandy says Dan has been trying to drag her to the beach but she has eczema and, if she goes into the ocean, her skin will flare up and all-body welts will develop. Dan simply doesn’t care. He’s too busy climbing mountain ranges and captaining jets and discovering new jungle tribes.
“I’m out being very active and you’re watching TV,” he accuses.
Sandy’s sister Kiran has some thoughts and observations.
“He’s coming up with lame excuses,” she comments.
Kiran, what do you mean? His excuses aren’t lame in the slightes-
“The fact Sandy is allergic to ocean water and can’t go in it — I mean, that gives me anxiety,” he declares.
Yeah, Sandy. Quit complaining, buy a hydrocortisone cream and go hurl your body into the sea.
Sandy, marriage is about compromise.
This is not appropriate brunch chat. Brunch chat should be upbeat and frivolous – where we bully that one friend for still not having seen The White Lotus, or do impressions of Harrison thinking he has endometriosis.
Everyone takes a time-out to defuse the tension. Dan retires to the balcony with his gal pal to have a gab-fest and bitch about Sandy. He rants furiously. The debrief gets him worked up even more and he soon starts waving around a sassy finger:
Calm down, gurl.
His gal pal Georgina starts quoting Kim Kardashian: “You didn’t come this far to only come this far.”
And Dan, in turn, quotes Carrie Bradshaw from the Sex And The City finale. “The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself,” he states.
Later that night, we get to thinking about relationships: Is it better to remain single and dignified? Or should you sacrifice your reputation in the name of love by going on Married At First Sight and having a sex fight over brunch?
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
