The MAFS cheating scandal has reached peak absurdity with the husband at the centre of the drama now offering a mind-boggling excuse. James Weir recaps.
The MAFS cheating scandal has reached peak absurdity with the husband at the centre of the drama now offering a mind-boggling excuse. James Weir recaps.
Opinion by James Weir
OPINION:
Married At First Sight’s cheating husband is dragged by the experts at Sunday’s commitment ceremony and forced to defend his behaviour with an excuse that’s almost more ridiculous than Harrison’s speech about his wife’s status as a missing person.
There are so many questions. The biggest? Is the phrase “Married At First Sight’s cheating husband” a pleonasm? The word “cheating” is just assumed and therefore redundant when talking about the MAFS freaks.
It’s like saying “the wet water” or “the dark darkness” or “Claire’s loud voice”.
We pick up where we left off at the dinner party: with Adam blaming his wife Janelle for his affair. Only, now he has had a few days to workshop his excuse. In that time, he has managed to refine its absurdity.
“I was just … I … I was …” he stammers again, before firming up his argument and delivering it with confidence. “I was drunk.”
All the other MAFS freaks scoff.
“Don’t insult their intelligence,” sexpert Alessandra warns Adam.
Yeah Adam. Only we’re allowed to insult their intelligence.
“So, so we … so we … so we … we were vibin’ that night,” Adam says about the pub pash with Claire. “We were just … there was just a vibe.”
Mel Schilling has no idea what’s being said. Coincidentally, her fun eyeshadow tonight is also a vibe.
Vibes vibes vibes.
Lyndall, the self-appointed whistleblower of the group, speaks up with proof that it wasn’t just viiiibes.
“Adam there were comments. I heard you make comments,” she says of the lead up to the kiss. “And then you hit on someone else when you were leaving the bar.”
For anyone else, an accusation like this might throw them off their axis. They’d put down their sword and just admit guilt. But not Adam. He’s a master of language with a lightning-fast mind. He knows exactly how to manoeuvre around these claims.
“Imma tell you that right now – I’m … I’m a … I’m a …” he hits back, tripping over his own words. “I’m a flirty … I’m a flirty guy, right?”
His defence then descends into him yelling his new catchphrase: “Well that’s not it at all!”
No Adam. You’re not it. For Janelle or us. They both leave.
Janelle has to get back to the high-stakes world of beauty vlogging. And Adam? We wish him the best of luck with his future entrepreneurial ventures.
Someone who’s not as lucky is Jesse. He tries to leave but Claire chooses to stay, thus trapping him in the experiment for another week, as per the official Married At First Sight rule book.
He looks totally delighted.
You’re a vibe, doll xx
All of this Adam nonsense has upset Alyssa. She’s still furious with her husband Duncan for not icing out Adam from the group following all the cheating drama. By the time she’s on the couch, her chest is heaving and tears are streaming down her face.
“I just don’t understand how he could still be in contact with Adam,” she sobs. “After knowing what Adam did to Janelle and knowing what Adam did to Jesse. It’s just really triggering to me.”
Mmmhmmm. Mmmhmmm. Or, is it triggering your own guilt from when you had an affair with a married man behind his wife’s back, as per your recent revelation in Honesty Week?
We’re just spitballin’.
Side note: You seem like you probably once had a Kate Gosselin haircut.
It’s only now, one hour into the ceremony, that we all realise Bronte isn’t here. As producers excitedly start crafting a “missing person” storyline, Harrison plonks himself down on the couch to represent both himself and his lost wife.
“Unfortunately, Bronte couldn’t be here,” he sighs. “She goes through a lot more … at … that time of the month.”
“I’m not a voice for … endometriosis or a woman’s biological functions,” he continues in a soft, slow voice. “But … she’s in a lot of pain and gets … very emotional. And crying. And, um …”
He holds his fist to his mouth and sniffs, pretending to sob.
You’re making us uncomfortable. Please go back to gaslighting Bronte.
Everyone does a full-body cringe:
Eek.
“Sorry. It’s just really hard to see her like that,” Harrison pushes on with his bizarre monologue. “I’m gonna try get through this as best I can. I’m a guy – I don’t know what Bronte actually goes through. So I’ve just gotta be supportive and just do whatever I can.”
John Aiken might not know a single thing about relationships, but he knows when he’s being trolled by one of his own freaks.
“I’m not getting the sense that you’re being real with us,” he snips. “Stay or leave?”
Harrison reveals both cards: Stay. A producer is promptly dispatched to go locate Bronte.
She’s sassy tonight.
There’s more trouble on the horizon. This time with Lyndall and Cameron. The disaster started the way it always does: with a FaceTime call to mum.
“My mum knows when I’m having a really rough time that I just want a hug,” Lyndall explains to the experts in a shaky voice and we really have no idea where this anecdote is going to land.
“She just said, ‘C’mon Cam give her a hug’. And he didn’t want to. And she said, ‘Oh c’mon she needs a hug — look at her’. And Cam was like, ‘No, I feel uncomfortable’, and, kinda, got up and left.”
Obviously, having to relive this traumatic event on the couch right now just opens up the wound. Lyndall’s sobbing and Cam’s getting defensive.
“Hugging me shouldn’t feel unnatural!” she screams.
We all pretend like we’re on Lyndall’s side but, secretly, we’re on Cam’s. Their session on the couch ends with us chanting, “Give her a hug! Give her a hug! Give her a hug!” until he begrudgingly hooks an arm over her shoulder.
Nawww.
Now comes the part of the evening where everyone’s self-esteem gets destroyed. Well, more destroyed.
Dan and Sandy are invited up to the couch and things aren’t good. Sandy is devastated because Dan has been going to the gym. It doesn’t seem out of the ordinary. He’s just getting some light daily exercise.
“For six hours?” Sandy says of Dan’s really thorough gym trips.
Huh. That’s weird. Well maybe there’s a simple explanatio-
“Are you sexually attracted to her, Dan?” Aiken blurts out.
OK, did we really need to jump straight to that question?
It’s fine. Dan’s a nice guy. He’ll answer sensitivel-
“Um … right now, no,” he shrugs.
We cut to Claire for one of her trademark reactionary facial expressions:
Not your best, but we’ll accept it.
After opening that can of worms and providing zero help or resolution, the experts ask for the decisions. Both stay. They shuffle off the couch to begin a very awkward week together.
An entire episode needs to be dedicated to stalking Dan to find out where he actually is when he disappears for six hours every day.
Next up, our new couple Tayla and Hugo. How’s the first week been? She still hates him and he’s still a pushover.
“I really struggled with the compliments I was constantly getting from Hugo,” she scrunches her face up.
Mel Schilling cocks her head and squints. “What was bothering you about … compliments? It does not compute for me.”
Computer says no.
Then Schilling steals a question from Aiken’s notepad: “Are you attracted to him?”
Tayla makes a face, then looks away and does her signature hair flip. We have our answer.
A hair flip says a thousand words.
“I mean, my type was definitely football guys and typical tradies,” she says, expecting everyone to sympathise with her. “And it is a little different to Hugo.”
Well, Tayla, join the club. The horny mum wanted Thor and look who she wound up with. You signed up for Married At First Sight, where it’s leftovers for dinner every night of the week. If you don’t like what you’re given, you can go to bed hungry.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
