Kellogg's should release a line of breakfast cheese platters. Photo / Channel 9
Kellogg's should release a line of breakfast cheese platters. Photo / Channel 9
The best relationships are built on open communication, which is why one Married At First Sight husband decides it's a good idea to sit his new wife down in front of the TV cameras on Thursday's episode and tell her he thinks she's bad at sex.
Sex is subjective. What one person likes, another may hate. It's like a Jennifer Lopez movie.
And tonight, we witness the Maid In Manhattan of sex.
We're taking a rest from the weddings so we can go hang out at mediocre honeymoon destinations on an overcast weekday. This is the part of the experiment where the excitement dulls and reality sets in.
Selin and Anthony are a great example. At first it seems like they are the perfect couple. Want proof? We find them eating a cheese platter for breakfast. It's what dreams are made of.
Kellogg's should release a line of breakfast cheese platters. Photo / Channel 9
But things soon take a turn. Anthony exhibits a quality that Selin can't stand: he's too nice.
Nice guys are the worst — always bringing you cups of tea and asking how your day was. It's disgusting.
During a pottery date, Selin lashes out and wipes a bit of clay on her husband's face. Anthony misreads the situation and tries to make a flirty moment out of it by doing the same thing to her.
Selin does not appreciate the surprise clay facial.
The aftermath on Selin's face. Photo / Channel 9
It leads to a major relationship milestone: their first sulky car ride.
"You get a little bit stroppy … sometimes you're not much fun to be around," Anthony mumbles.
"So putting clay on my face is OK — but I can't say anything back?" Selin squints. "You put it on my mouth and in my eye. What am I gonna do? Sit there like a brick wall?"
Well, bricks are technically a kind of clay.
"Just have some fun, f**kin' loosen up," Anthony shakes his head and stares out the window at the passing paddocks, trying to figure out if he should just ask the driver to drop him off here so he can walk the rest of the way.
Things are getting awkward, so we open the door and hurl our bodies out of the moving vehicle because we have more couples that we need to watch unravel.
The first car fight a favourite step in a new relationship. Photo / Channel 9
Our official sex freaks Ella and Mitch still haven't had sex. Boo! And what's a sex freak without the sex? Just a plain ol' freak.
The producers take matters into their own hands.
Hot. Photo / Channel 9
"So where are you on the sex-o-metre at the moment?" they probe Ella.
"Like … the metre has popped," she replies. "The horniness is off the radar. We haven't had sex yet … He's probably a bit toey. I am."
Sidenote: Ella seems to have a lip-licking habit like MAFS alumni Tracey Jewel. Photo / Channel 9
Honestly, Mitch's thong-back bikinis and Ella's constant declarations of horniness are just getting too much. If you're that horny, do what the rest of us do and take care of business yourself while watching old YouTube videos of Jamie Durie on Backyard Blitz.
But suddenly, things change. We bust into their bedroom and catch Ella getting her … backyard blitzed.
"Last night Mitchell and I made our marriage official," she squeals. "It was really good. It was really good. It was exactly how we both imagined it would be. He's great with his hands."
Ugh, ew. Thanks for ruining hands.
Our reaction to Ella and Mitch's TMI sex reveal is similar to the reaction Domenica and Jack have when they stumble upon a sheep giving birth.
This is the exact same reaction we have to every episode of Married At First Sight. Phoo / Channel 9
Back over at Selin and Anthony's Airbnb, the clay may be washed off but they're both still absolutely filthy.
When we find them, they're fighting over whether a toasted sandwich is called a toastie or a jaffle. This pushes Selin over the edge.
"Right now, I'm not feeling a spark," she blurts out before launching into a rant about her husband's neediness. "I'm not feeling like I am around someone who can protect me emotionally and mentally. I'm definitely not saying you're not a man or anything like that … but I feel like you need a lot."
We know exactly what she's getting at. Jaffle is a bit of a wimpy word.
Proving Selin's point, Anthony runs away and cries.
"When the cameras are off, she's a different person," he exposes his wife's behind-the-scenes antics. "Behind closed doors, she'll say, 'Oh next time we get on camera, are you gonna have a cry? A bit of a boo hoo?' She's sort of goading me. Last night, she started with the name calling — like, 'How ya doing, princess? You feeling all right, princess?'"
The next day, princess packs up her hat box and climbs down from her palace.
Princess packs up her hat box and climbs down from the palace. Photo / Channel 9
Tonight, there has been a lot of sex and a lot of fighting. But something's missing. Ooh, I know! Sex and fighting mixed together.
We head over to Holly and Andrew's, where producers have filled the Honesty Box with slips of paper that all have the same question written on them: Do you feel any sexual chemistry with me?
For Holly, the answer is yes. But Andrew?
"Holly … I enjoy sex," he states firmly. "I enjoy sex all the time. I enjoy it in random places at random times. And I like to explore that. I know I'm not bad at sex, I know I have the right equipment. But I feel like, when we were intimate, you weren't there. You were not physically there. I didn't feel intimacy, I didn't feel connected to you. So it wasn't enjoyable for me. I've had one-night stands where the partner was more into me than you were."
OK, before we all turn on Andrew, let's just wait a moment. Maybe he thinks he's being helpful — just offering a little bit of constructive criticism. There's a chance he thought he was doing his new wife a favour by sitting her down in front of the cameras and telling her he thinks she's bad at sex. ... OK, nope — thought I could find a silver lining there and I couldn't.
This feedback is hard to hear. Especially because Andrew is delivering the critique like it's one of his corporate motivational speaking presentations.
'I'm awesome at sex.' Photo / Channel 9
"Holly, sex is a very important part of a relationship because, at the end of the day, if we can't be intimate with each other and have that connection, there's no way we would make it very long in a relationship," he continues. "That's just my preference and what I enjoy — and I'm, entitled to that. If I wanted to just get off, I could do that by myself."
OK. Point taken, Andrew. You've made your feelings known. I don't think there's anything more you need to-
"IT WAS NOT AN ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCE FOR ME," he reiterates.
The big question is: what random public places is Andrew having all this sporadic sex in? If you've witnessed him in the wild, please submit your sightings to @hellojamesweir.
Hey Hol, maybe you should talk to Mitch and get him to teach you the thing he does with his hand that Ella was raving about. Photo / Channel 9
In the meantime, we're sure everything will work out between Holly and Andrew. He'll apologise and they'll have make-up sex. Really, really mediocre make-up sex.
