At least the swamp humidity has made your skin look glowy xx Photo / Channel 9
At least the swamp humidity has made your skin look glowy xx Photo / Channel 9
The Married At First Sight break-up we all saw coming unfolds during a final vow ceremony on Tuesday night when one husband callously spits his resentments at the woman who adores him in a break-up that's about as clear as the fog-covered swamp they spend their last moments at.
As a rule of thumb, when dumping someone, don't do it at midnight in remote marshlands. It's just creepy. Even if you arrive in a limo.
Reality TV has gotta stop glamorising swamp dumping.
The day's finally here for our remaining couples to decide whether they'll inflict these sham marriages on the outside world. And after weeks of living in studio apartments together where the windows don't open, it's understandable the tension is mounting.
For Jack, he's still coming to terms with the fact all of Australia was told "he c**s too quickly". Remember when he thought the height of humiliation was all of us knowing he doesn't flush the toilet?
These three months have taken a toll on Jack. Photo / Channel 9
When it comes to Ella and Mitch, their relationship has been full of ups and downs. Or, more accurately, downs and lower-downs.
Before they separate and take a week to reflect on their decisions, they have one final chat that really inspires some peace of mind.
"At the moment, clearly I'm not the right person for ya," Mitch shrugs.
The remark is almost more careless than his outfit.
Why are you dressed like a bogan toddler? Photo / Channel 9
For Selina, her mum Teresa offers some sage advice about her relationship with Cody.
"I can tell that he's not really into you," Teresa says. "I think you love him more than he loves you. I can see that, I can feel that. You deserve better, Selina."
Why Teresa hasn't been offered her own spin-off show by now is beyond me. I'd totally watch her dish out tough love to strangers while chilling on her back patio.
Now that's a good quality patio set. Photo / Channel 9
Teresa's totally right. Cody has not shown Selina the respect she deserves. But will Selina take the advice? Nah.
When it comes time for the vows, Cody greets his wife like she's an old schoolmate who he has run into at the local shopping centre while visiting his hometown over Christmas.
"Long time no see. Good to see ya. Been ages!" he nods.
Let's not even bother repeating the vows. These two should not stay together but they do. And, after seeing the state of Cody's share house, we really hope Selina has thought this through properly.
Selina, it's like you've forgotten that he uses the vegetable crisper as a bin. Photo / Channel 9
By the time we leave Selina and Cody's ceremony, it's nearing midnight and our Uber takes a sharp turn off the highway. It's too dark to see where the driver's heading but, from the violent bumps and shudders inside the cabin, we can feel the vehicle has gone off-road.
When it eventually comes to a halt in a marshy clearing, we push open the doors and clamour out. The air's freakishly cold and every little noise starts to sound threatening. Without even thinking, we start to run into the dark. We don't know why, it's just instinctual. Something about this remote location just doesn't feel right.
In the distance, it looks like the white lights of the highway are flicking through the leaves. We run towards the glow. Hopefully we can make it to the overpass in time to flag down Selina and Cody's 4WD limousine. But just as we start to think we've found freedom, the eerie shadow of a man appears and blocks the path. We fall backwards in the ditch and squint, raising our hands to block out the glare. Only then do we recognise the figure. It's Mitch.
We scream in terror.
We'll give you all the turtlenecks you want! Just don't hurt us! Photo / Channel 9
Mitch lumbers down through the mud towards a raised mound and waits. He's dead still. Emotionless. He doesn't even react when we tell him his hair looks fluffy.
Freshly washed. Rookie error. Photo / Channel 9
Suddenly, we hear the sound of tree branches scraping against glass and steel. That's when Ella's dented limousine hurtles out of the shrubbery.
"I'm convinced it's going to be the worst," she sighs, climbing out of the broken passenger window.
We give her a few minutes to trudge her stilettos through the swampy ground.
"If I'm not ready for a relationship then what do you think I've been doing here the entire time? It's difficult to see a bright future with you when it seems the longer we spend with each other the more difficult the relationship gets. And the more I realise maybe I'm not the right person that you're looking for. How can we walk out of here together as partners when, at the moment, I don't see this as a substantial relationship?"
OK. So. That's quite the dumping. Or is it?
"What I need now is to go back to my life. To my family, to my friends. It's only then I could make a decision that would affect both of our lives. What I can't do and what I won't do is to stand here and be forced to make a decision that I'm not yet ready to make. I'm sorry Ella."
Wait. So … you're maybe-maybe-not dumping her? Well, good news for you, Ella. You'll be receiving word from your husband about your future in seven to 12 business days.
"I'm not surprised," she forces a smile. "Making no decision."
The worst part? She's forced to trek back through the swamp in the dark while wearing her chic white dress.
At least the swamp humidity has made your skin look glowy xx Photo / Channel 9
When it comes time for Jack and Dom, we're exhausted from hiking out of the swamp and hitchhiking back into the city. Give us some good news, kids!
They've been through a lot together. Sorta-glassings. Nude pic leaks. Unflushed toilets.
The rain is pouring but it doesn't wash away the shine of their vow renewal ceremony. Dom chucks off her shoes to run through mud and Jack cries while holding an umbrella. It's the love story this country needs.
Our royal couple. Photo / Channel 9
The producers don't even bother making us sit through longwinded will-they-won't-they vows. We know they will. And they do.
Dom and Jack choose to stay together. Watch out, Jules and Cam. They're comin' for ya Metamucil endorsement deal.
A new documentary fronted by Herald journalist Jared Savage goes into the dark world of child sex abuse material with the Customs investigations team. Video / Greenstone TV
