The Married At First Sight producers launch one of their final evil schemes for the season on Tuesday night by trapping the couples on boats and in hot air balloons before making them discuss inflammatory topics that then lead to arguments they can't storm out of because they're physically trapped away from land.
It's honestly genius.
It also highlights an important lesson that should be taught to school students around the same time they learn about stranger danger. The message? Don't get into cars with strangers who say they have candy. And don't ever let a Married At First Sight producer lure you onto a boat with the promise of a "dream date".
Three thousand feet in the air, Selina and Cody admire the sunset as their hot balloon sails over the Southern Highlands. It's so romantic. Then producers completely destroy the moment by making Selina ask her commitment-phobic husband about whether he'll keep dating her once the experiment ends.
"I don't really have a big plan," Cody tries to shrug his way out of it.
"But … do you see a future with me?" Selina asks again.
It's a pretty simple question. Cody's answer? Yeah nah maybe.
The wind picks up and Selina swats her hands around, trying to tame both her hair and frustrations. Cody makes a pained face — partly because of the afternoon glare but mostly because he wants to walk away from his wife but can't. He glances over the edge of the basket and tries to spot a power line pole or really tall tree to jump on to.
What a stunning backdrop for such a horrendous fight. Photo / Channel 9
"Could you see me in your real world?" she yells as the wind blusters.
Obviously Selina's trying to trick him with yes or no questions. Ha! Nice try. Cody finds a way to snake out of it.
"I know you're curious as to where I visualise this going in the future. But I'm more curious as to how you are now," he flips the tables.
"That's deflecting," Selina calls him out.
Cody cocks his head. "What do you mean?" he fakes confusion, like a lazy kid pretending he didn't know there was homework due.
She asks him point-blank again. "Do. You. See. Me. In. Your. Future?"
Stand back, girl, because the table's about to be flipped again.
"I know you're sitting here saying I've been hard to read, but I'm still not 100 per cent sure what's going through you're head either," he tries to guilt her.
Selina almost tumbles backwards out of the hot air balloon. All she has been talking about is how she wants to stay together once the experiment is over. Like, we don't know why she'd want to. But that's not the point. The point is, she has made her feelings very clear. "Are you for real?" she spits. "You're so hot and cold!"
"What do you mean?" he asks again in a calm voice, trying to make it seem like she's the one who's being unreasonable.
We're not sure. All we know is the word "gaslight" has lost all meaning.
Random fact: The word "gaslight" always makes me think of barbecues. Photo / Channel 9
Trapping Selina and Cody in a hot air balloon while they argued was fun. Now let's lock Tamara and Brent somewhere and make them fight!
We lure them on to a boat at sunset and the scheme falls together effortlessly. The Opera House is to one side and the Sydney Harbour Bridge arches above. It's the perfect date!
Until …
"You hide your insecurity with ego," Tamara blurts to her husband. "I've noticed that about you — and you know I can pick things up about people."
Huh. It's weird because you don't seem to be able to pick things up about yourself.
"Because I haven't wanted to be here lately!" she screams.
Her voice echoes across the harbour. Tourists on the Opera House forecourt look out across the water and raise their camera phones to document the commotion.
Guys, keep it down. The kids on the rollercoaster at Luna Park can hear you. Photo / Channel 9
Brent shakes his head in disdain. "And there it is — nice. Well I think we've said enough."
He shoots to his feet and storms off. Only, he can't storm off — because he's on a boat. So he just stomps to the port side while Tamara stays put on starboard.
"That's it — the date's over," she spits while using a tiny fork to aggressively scoop out an oyster from its shell.
Actually, Tamara, it's not. This date ain't over until we dock back at the marina. And, according to the Red Balloon voucher, you're still out at sea for another 90 minutes.
It's not all bad! Now that Brent's stormed off, you can eat his meal. Photo / Channel 9
Meanwhile, we've got another couple held captive. Ella and Mitch have been lured to a remote beach — miles away from transport. It's the perfect location to start an argument.
The producers make them discuss their future and Mitch immediately gets huffy.
We already love this fight because they're trapped in the middle of nowhere. But it's made even better because they're sniping at each other while wearing matching lilac shawls.
His-and-her shawls are a classy touch. Photo / Channel 9
Back out at sea, Brent and Tamara's relationship continues to capsize. Being stuck on a boat is already hell. But having a couple's fight on a boat? Just throw yourselves overboard and swim to shore.
Brent marches up and down the port side, mumbling to himself. "She's the moodiest person I've ever met."
And Tamara? Well. Tamara gives us a taste of her old self. A gal we haven't seen in quite some time. The Tamara of yore, who delighted us with offensive rants about retail assistants. It's a real full-circle moment. Tonight, she takes aim at hospitality workers.
"Don't call me moody because I've got the f***in' sh**s!" she fumes.
"I've got a career to go home to — a dog and a house, like, in Queensland! I've put a lot on the line to be here. I can't say the same for Brent. I don't think he's given up practically anything to be here.
"He's 33-years-old and he has no idea who the f*** he is. He doesn't really have a career! He works in hospitality and he calls himself a f***in' restaurant expert or some sh** like that. I'm sorry, ya wait tables! I'm not being rude about it — but that's what you do. Own it."
And after that insulting rant, Tamara's mood ring is a putrid shade of brown.
Hey, Tamara - just a tip: maybe don't go into any restaurants for a few weeks. Photo / Channel 9
