Maybe you should cut up Jackson's gym shorts to prove your point. Photo / Channel 9
Maybe you should cut up Jackson's gym shorts to prove your point. Photo / Channel 9
Things backfire on Married At First Sight's self proclaimed "petty b****" wife during Monday night's home visit episode, all because her attitude is filthier than Cody's derelict share house.
You heard right — we're catching Jetstar flights all around Australia to check out the dust pits these lunatics call home.
The home visits are really our favourite part of any reality show, because we no longer just get to judge the contestants' bad personalities — we also get to judge their crappy decor.
In Bondi, Tamara will be spending the week living with Brent in his tiny studio apartment. Ugh, wait. My apologies. That sounded condescending. I shouldn't have said "tiny". His studio apartment is … tremendously unspacious.
But Brent has worked very hard to glam up his joint with a bit of pizzazz.
"I wanted a Gold Class cinema feeling, type thing," he says of the design aesthetic.
New show idea: Locking Shaynna Blaze in apartments like this for a week and watching her unravel. Photo / Channel 9
Meanwhile, on the Northern Beaches, Selina's arriving at Cody's share house. They're greeted by his housemate, who has nipped down to the local Officeworks printing desk to whip up a little welcome home poster celebrating the married couple.
You guys should totally get this printed on key chains and fridge magnets. Photo / Channel 9
Selina walks closer and assesses the poster in detail.
"Why am I holding the watermelon like that?" she asks.
The housemate chortles. "Do you get it?"
Selina hesitates for a second. "Like … that's my vagina?"
"Yeah, basically!" the housemate confirms, high-fiving the air.
Well. This homestay couldn't get much wors-
I wouldn't let my body touch any surface here. Photo / Channel 9
There's so much trash in this house that not all of it can be captured in one wide shot, so we're just treated to multiple close-ups.
Please enjoy the air-con facilities! In winter, it doubles as a heater, because the bad wiring makes it burst into flames.
Is that rust or dust or both? Photo / Channel 9
And here's … well … here's just several bins of rubbish on the kitchen bench:
If you leave it long enough, it all just disintegrates and you don't even have to take it out. Photo / Channel 9
Two people who aren't on a homestay are Al and Sam. They've been granted permission to stay in Sydney and work on their problems after last night's commitment ceremony drama — where Samantha melted down because Al keeps trapping her in this experiment against her will.
"Sam's the first girl I've caught feelings for," Al tells us.
Wow. We're impressed. For a second there we really thought he was actually going to say "caught cooties from".
Al hatches a plan. He's gonna use this 24 hours to wow Sam with a really grand gesture that'll convince her to stay with him.
"I wanna plan an activity for us both that'll be really fun," he tells her.
Of course, Sam doesn't match his enthusiasm. She's fed up at the mere mention of it. Oh, lighten up, Samantha. He just wants you to take him to Sky Zone trampoline park. Is that too much to ask?
'C'mon, mum! They've got a coffee shop so you can chat to all the other mums.' Photo / Channel 9
All these couples with their fighting and making up. It's never-ending. This show is just going around and around in circles. I feel like the damp old teddy bear that's stuck in the vent turbine on Domenica's mum's roof.
Jack's taken, but can we interest you in a Dion? Photo / Channel 9
And on the grand tour of the property, Dom goes and unveils her childhood cubby house that features electricity, running water and a working telephone.
Honestly, that was my dream growing up and I'd still do anything to have it … even though I have all those things in my apartment.
Cubby houses are just superior to normal houses. Photo / Channel 9
Then Jack's ritzy parents make a surprise appearance. As their white SUV reaches the end of the dirt driveway, his mum shivers.
"God help us," she whispers.
You said it, Mon. Photo / Channel 9
Then, we witness what might just be my favourite moment on this year's series. Jack's mum exits the car and she's wearing a beautiful white summer dress along with a pristine pair of those white Gucci sneakers — you know, the kind that have that gold bug embroidered on the side? They're, like, a thousand bucks.
Anyway, Dom's parents just let the muddy farm dog sprint through the dirt and leap up onto Jack's mum — ruining her outfit and scratching like a maniac.
Hope you didn't have plans to wear that outfit again. Photo / Channel 9
Down in Melbourne, there's a 78 per cent chance of rain and a 103 per cent chance Olivia will offend Jackson's two housemates.
He has already warned her: if she's mean to his friends, it's over.
Hmmm. Sounds like a challenge, Jackson.
Look, in all seriousness, Olivia might've behaved questionably in the past but we have no doubt she'll do her best to keep things polite and upbeat tonigh-
"I'm a petty b****," she tells the housemates, within the first 20 minutes of meeting them. "I'm a petty b****, deadset. I still hate girls from preschool."
OK. Wow. This is … not the best first impression. But Olivia catches herself and realises she's probably being a little inappropriate. So she decides to lighten the mood ... by telling the poo dress anecdote.
"I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends," she says, witheringly. "She picked out these brown bridesmaid dresses and she asked me if I liked them, and I was like, 'I hate them, they're disgusting'. And so she fired me from being a bridesmaid and asked for (the dress) back. So I cut it up and sent it to her."
Olivia, is anyone encouraging you to tell this story in social situations? Because, you keep whipping it out like it's a fun lark from your university days. We suggest you retire it and, like, get normal stories.
Jackson's housemates are worried Olivia's gonna cut up their clothes in their sleep. Photo / Channel 9
After Olivia's bizarre attempts at bonding with the housemates, Jackson withdraws completely. The next morning, he barely talks to her. Partly because of her bad attitude — but mainly because she makes scrambled eggs weirdly.
He wants to go to the gym to blow off steam and, sensing a pending tantrum, producers force Olivia to go with him. Their wish is granted in five, four, three, two …
"I absolutely hate being here — but that's OK, I do a lot for you," she says while sulking and stropping around the workout facility that looks less modern than the one in Dom's dad's bunker.
Jackson's had enough. It's one thing that she picks petty fights and cuts up other girls' dresses. But now she also doesn't want to watch him lift really heavy things?
