Married At First Sight is plunged into chaos on Sunday night when two cheaters crash the commitment ceremony and all the other lunatics storm off the show in dramatic scenes we haven't witnessed since … since … well, since about six days ago with the sorta-glassing.
"It's the most shocking commitment ceremony in Married At First Sight history," the voiceover lady teases.
Cute top! Portmans?
Um, sorry, but what about the time that guy admitted to scrubbing the toilet with his wife's toothbrush and the disgusted experts had to explain to him what E. coli was? Jeez, voiceover lady. Brush up on your history and stop being such a drama queen.
Let's be real: we're only here for the mass walkout. Of course producers tack it onto the end and make us sit through 90 minutes of other rubbish, which we will ignore.
Only the important things will be addressed. … Like how Brent has decided to wear Tamara's silk blouse:
Other important moments to note?
Well, when the experts pretend to not know about the glassing incident and make everyone rehash it, it ends with Olivia saying very Olivia things.
"I keep trying to be nice and I keep getting sh*t on," she spits.
Now feels like an appropriate time to do an instant replay to the time Olivia said she wanted to burn Dom at the stake.
Ooh! And Al is just trolling Samantha now. You know how she has been trying to escape this marriage because she doesn't wanna be a babysitter anymore but he keeps trapping her by choosing to stay each week? Well, she'll be cleaning up his toys for a little while longer.
When they first hit the couch, Samantha makes it clear she's done. After weeks of having to burp Al and chop up his dinner into really small pieces so he doesn't choke, she has had enough.
"You are such an entitled, privileged boy," she clenches her fists. "You are so unaware of life!"
John Aiken can't believe a mother would talk this way to her innocent child.
"You know Sam, I'm watching the way you're talking with Al tonight," he squints. "You seem angry. But you also seem like you don't respect him."
Um, duh.
"I don't!" she blurts out. "I've fully checked out. I know what I want. I know what I need. And it's not this."
Well, that's the thing about this show, Samantha. The entire concept is based around trapping people with things they don't want or need.
Before Al reveals his card, he says it's the biggest decision he has had to make since choosing his year 10 electives.
"I've always made Sam a priority and I don't wanna be stringing her along ... but on the other hand, I also gotta think of what I wanna do," he says as Sam literally groans aloud.
"No you're not! No you're not!" she cries, anticipating her fate.
"So I decided to stay!" Al beams.
'Hey mum! Ya trapped!'
Mum is at the end of her tether.
"Like, are you actually kidding me? Are you serious?" She looks around at the experts and production crew, begging someone to intervene.
Al is perplexed as to why Sam is reacting this way.
The gesture is worthless. It's like if you went to a restaurant and found a rat's tail in your spaghetti and the waiter told you they'd give you some free soft drinks to make up for it.
Now, coming into tonight's commitment ceremony, Dion pledged to confront his estranged wife Carolina on the couch about her behaviour. They haven't seen each other for days and she has completely ignored the experts' request to spend time with her husband.
But Dion's plan promptly flew out the window when he arrived at the warehouse with the others only to find Carolina had stood him up. Gone, without a trace. But we know exactly where she is. The "gym".
For the whole ceremony, Dion has had to sit alone in a bright red blazer that makes him look like a cinema usher at a small-town movie theatre.
'Would you like to make that a combo with a large frozen coke for just $3 extra?'
But then there's a twist.
Just as Jackson and Olivia hit the couch and begin crapping on about their relationship, we hear the door to the warehouse roll open. The camera whips around and everyone gasps.
Jackson and Olivia are kicked off the couch because we now have a more interesting couple to analyse.
Daniel describes how he and Carolina "built a connection". Translation: Cheated.
The other MAFS lunatics heckle from the crowd and John Aiken tells them to settle down or he'll pull a Stan Grant and kick them out.
But when Carolina reveals she started seeing Daniel weeks ago, the heckling kicks up again. And when Dan boldly asks the experts to let them re-enter the experiment as a couple, the gloves come off.
Dom keeps launching half-thought zingers and insults. Most of them fizzle out mid-sentence but she manages to land one.
"She fell onto his d**k, that's how it happened," she yells. "What a moll."
Dion always has a flair for melodramatic monologues and it comes in handy tonight.
"I dunno what to say. You give so much to this experiment, and I've been spat on," he sighs. "You know what, I've seen enough for one day."
He stands up, adjusts his movie usher blazer, and storms out. It kickstarts a movement. All the other MAFS lunatics spring to their feet and follow him out the door, death-staring the cheaters and shaking their heads.
Sex expert Alessandra leans over to Schilling. "I don't understand, does this happen normally on the show?" she whispers.
Schilling plays it down as if this kind of behaviour is unheard of on Married At First Sight and we'd like to remind everyone again of the toilet toothbrush, the multiple cheating scandals and the several sorta-glassings. This is just a regular Sunday night.
Get back in here, ding-dongs - you've still got 20 minutes to film.
Producers let the bozos storm out just so they can capture the dramatic moment on camera to use in the promo … and then they wave the contestants' iron-clad contracts in the air and instruct them to get back into the warehouse immediately.
John Aiken decides to take on a Godfather-style role as Carolina and Daniel sit before him, awaiting a response to their request. He begins a long, winding monologue about the ethical values of this esteemed experiment and how this has never happened before.
Not to get all Elle Woods, but I would like to bring the court's attention to Exhibit A! It was on a humid Sunday night in this very warehouse about three years ago, almost to the day, when Jessika Power and Daniel Webb unveiled their own affair and asked the experts to re-enter the experiment as a couple – a request which was granted.
But, like the voiceover lady, our experts seem to have a hazy memory when it comes to this show's history.
