Married At First Sight goes back to basics at Wednesday's boozy dinner party when an explosive showdown lays the foundations for a cheating scandal that appears to be emerging between the hot new guy with veneers and the hot new lady who's not attracted to her sugar daddy husband because he insists on wearing clothes that he's purchased at Liza Minnelli memorabilia auctions.
Everything's going according to plan. And if we remain on schedule, in one week the budding tryst will be consimicated, Al-style.
Mwahahaha.
Last time we saw the show's newest husband Daniel, he was locked inside a cupboard recording a Blair Witch-style SOS video on his mobile phone because he'd overheard his wife Jessica bitching about him on a call.
"When I confronted her, she said I acted like a little bitch and that I have no balls," he tells us the following morning.
You know, Jessica, we've only just met, but we know for certain you'll get on extremely well with another friend of ours — Selin. She enjoys emasculating her husband, too.
Ooh! And we can't wait for you to meet Tamara! She LOVES retail assistants.
If Jessica doesn't end up revealing that she's a retail assistant in a toy store, then the producers aren't doing their jobs. Photo / Supplied
On the way to the dinner party, Jessica continues to berate Daniel. This time it's about airconditioning. I'm not gonna go into the details of this petty argument. Partly because it's just too trivial but mainly because I'm saving all my energy to describe the fight about the Macca's receipt that happens later.
"I genuinely feel like you dislike me as a human," Dan shakes his head and fights back tears.
Now seems like a good spot to remind everyone that Daniel and Jessica met just 27 hours ago. This is the exact headspace we want them in as they enter their first drunken dinner party.
At the warehouse, everyone's in a wonderful mood. It's so great seeing everyone again. And Carolina and Lion seem to have made up after last night's tiff where she said he wasn't attractive enough to date her and that girls probably only talk to him because he's rich.
Other couples might've let a fight like that drive them apart. But not Carolina and Lion. She walks into the cocktail party holding his hand with a smile. Oh, and he's not wearing his valet blazer anymore. No, he heard our criticisms loud and clear. Tonight, he's just wearing a normal jacket … from Sportsgirl.
Work it. Photo / Supplied
Once everyone has arrived, Al, The World's Oldest Toddler, decides to make a heartfelt speech.
"We consimicated our marriage," he proudly tells the group before giving his wife Samantha a loving smile.
C'mon, all the cool kids are doing it. Photo / Supplied
And then he does a shoey.
Ha. No. That would be childish. He might've done it once — but he has grown up since then. No, tonight he just peer-pressures the new husband Matt into doing a shoey.
A man drinking out of another man's shoe? I've never seen anything sexier. Photo / Supplied
When Al sees new contestant Daniel from across the room, he runs over.
"I love your teeth!" he says about Dan's veneers.
This quote is officially the most MAFS thing we've ever heard.
'Thanks! At night I take them out and put them in the dishwasher.' Photo / Supplied
After Dan and Al compare fake teeth, everyone's herded into the dining room where Jessica proceeds to make it clear that she's not happy with the man she was paired with.
"I got pissed off one night and I was like, 'You're a little bitch, you're acting like a little bitch'," she shrugs, telling everyone about the fight. "I'm not gonna hide it. I felt in that moment he was being a little bitch."
Everyone's stunned. Particularly Domenica.
"She's blatantly just putting Daniel down," she observes.
And she should know. After all, she's the queen of putting her husband down at dinner parties.
Domenica takes it upon herself to step in as a makeshift expert and hold Jessica to account.
"What I'm hearing from you, it literally sounds like childish behaviour," she widens her eyes to stare down Jess. "You're actually being a child."
Jessica takes the feedback on board and thanks Domenica for her thoughtful observations.
"She needs to butt the f**k out," Jess spits to us.
And then they both make stank faces at each other:
Stank. Photo / Supplied
During all of this, Daniel hasn't said a word. But Domenica continues to act as his unofficial advocate.
"He looks absolutely deflated and defeated," Dom says of her client. "Lucky he's got those white veneers that are shining because, other than that, it'd be nothing."
It's the resin coating that gives them the sparkle. Photo / Supplied
Jessica's had enough of Domenica treating her like she hasn't flushed the toilet, so she gets up and walks away. And that's probably a good thing — we need a moment to check in with the other couples.
Actually … is it even worth it? Glancing around the table, it doesn't seem like anything major's happening. Selina's in tears because Cody has completely frozen her out and they're breaking up before our very eyes. Eh. That's nothin' new.
Ooh! Selina and Anthony are fighting over a Macca's receipt!
"Off you went, storming down to get me McDonald's in the rain — and you sent me that goddam receipt!" Selin screams at her husband across the table in an attempt to give proof that he's not the gentleman he claims to be. "$16.75! You sent me a receipt and you sent your account details!"
We're all dying to know what Selin ordered from Macca's but we never find out. Hopefully a producer scrounges through the kitchen bin tonight and uncrumples the receipt on camera so we can see.
Look, splitting bills in relationships is never sexy but it has to be done. Pay for your own goddam Big Mac, I'm not a millionaire. Photo / Supplied
One of our newest brides Kate watches on with her mouth agape.
"I don't even know what half their arguments are about, to be honest," she whispers.
Neither do we Kate. Let's keep it that way.
Don't worry, Kate. You'll be having on-air arguments like this in about a week. Photo / Supplied
While Selin continues to literally drag Anthony with the receipts, Domenica marches down to the other end of the table to confront Jessica again.
"Why do you keep coming up and starting on me?" Jessica screeches.
Dom cuts to the chase. "It literally sounds like you're being a petulant child. What's he doing? Is he emotionally abusive? Because I'm not seeing it."
Jessica might not have cold, hard evidence — like a McDonald's receipt — but she does have a very recent example of why she doesn't like Daniel: the petty tiff about an airconditioner.
"Sorry, what?" Domenica scoffs. "You told me literally about an airconditioner."
You're absolutely right, Domenica. Jessica, open your ears and take this wisdom on board. A tiff about an airconditioner is the height of pettiness. Wait until he turns the TV up too loud, like Brent. Or worse — he could be like Jack and just never flush the toilet.
You heard us, Jessica - at least your husband flushes the toilet. Photo / Supplied
While all this is happening, Jessica's husband Daniel is down the other end of the table flirting with Carolina, who's bitching about how her sugar daddy husband wears high heels.
It's the first of many complaints.
"I asked for a tall guy. And, he's not. He's very short actually," she raises an eyebrow. "My husband doesn't really like to work out. He's never been to a gym."
Dan, a personal trainer, starts to laugh. Unlike Lion, he goes to the gym. And while his shirts and pants are way too tight, at least they're men's clothes.
Carolina asks him to pick which girl in the room he's most physically attracted to. Out comes the finger gun. Ready, aim … fire.
Target locked. Photo / Supplied
Carolina laughs and flicks her hair back. "Don't tell that to my husband."
They both sip their wine and flick their eyes over one another's bodies. Small giggles fill the silence. Neither will say what they're actually thinking. So they inch the flirting forward with small, suggestive comments.
"If you ever need someone to ... talk to …" Carolina smirks.
Dan sips his wine and looks her in the eye. "I'll remember that."
It's the beginnings of a classic Married At First Sight cheating scandal.
