Get pegged. Photo / Channel 9
Warning: Sexual content
As one Married At First Sight wife Veets the hair out of her spouse's butt crack, another Veets a sex-crazed husband out of her life.
Yes, we witness raw footage of both Veetings. No, Channel 9 does not air an "offensive content" warning beforehand. We should all call the switchboard and complain, like the uptight prudes we pretend to be.
Needless to say, things are left looking red raw — especially the show's sex-crazed groom.
Sex Week continues and we start to wish there was some kind of condom we could apply to our eyes and minds. There's a new couple experiencing bedroom issues.
Mitchell refuses to kiss Ella for five minutes on camera as per the official Sex Week task that has been assigned to them. His reasoning? Kissing is ew.
"It's just stupid," he whines as he lounges elegantly on the sofa in a chic cashmere turtleneck.
It's hard for Ella to not feel rejected by this. And we get it. She's literally being rejected.
Kissing is one of the things she loves most about being in a relationship. She needs it — just like Texan Andrew, who has described at length his love of kissing. For both of them, a non-kisser is a deal-breaker.
It'd actually just make sense to rematch Ella with Andrew, and then pair Mitch with Holly. After all, Andrew has gone out of his way to articulate how much he reckons Holly is a lousy kisser. Let's pull a switcheroo with these two couples. In our minds, the contestants are interchangeable, like Tupperware lids.
Until they're prepared to partner swap, we're not interested. And because we're bored, we skip down the hall to Selina and Cody's joint where we slide a tube of Veet under the door along with a fake letter from Alessandra.
What happens next can only be described as traumatic for everyone involved. Mostly us.
"I'm just gonna spread your cheek with my knee," Selina grimaces as her pantless husband bends over the bed.
Cody winces. "Like, just put it all over the hair on my bum crack."
It's around now we should inform them that the official instructions on the tube specifically warn against applying the cream directly to intimate areas.
Need more clarification? This cream is like acid and will literally give you third degree burns if you disobey the instructions.
Imagine the damage it would do if you applied it directly to your lips. Now imagine the damage it would do if it got near other areas that are just as delicate as your lips.
We'll call the hospital now and tell them to be on standby.
Anyway, it's creative payback for what Cody said to Selina last week.
Speaking of things that are as uncomfortable as a depilatory cream burn, Dom's freaking out at Jack for casually mentioning he once had sex with an ex-girlfriend a million years ago.
"I just don't understand it, like, honestly, it's just … weird," she scolds as they lay in bed together.
The admission came up in conversation the previous night and Dom still hasn't let it go, 12 hours later.
"It wasn't a huge thing! And I'd tell you if it was," Jack reasons. "For me, sleeping with my ex after we broke up wasn't a big deal — I'd slept with her countless times, we'd been together for four years. It wasn't a major thing."
But Dom's not having it. "So, are you sure that wasn't something you were hiding?"
The accusation leaves Jack speechless and only capable of communicating through eyerolls.
"Do you still talk to her?" Dom asks. "You don't think she'll get the wrong idea from that? Why does she need to be your friend? I don't understand. Like, I'm not jealous …"
No, you're being completely reasonable.
"There was a mutual break-up," Jack races to explain. "We got to the point where we are not romantically into each other."
Dom cuts him off. "But you f**ked after you split up," she shoots down his reasoning.
Jack rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, wishing he could've just had a regular day with his wife. No fights. No yelling. Just a day spent doing something normal — like giving each other third degree burns with the misuse of hair removal creams.
Is it completely obvious that we've been avoiding Andrew and Holly tonight? The fights have become exhausting. The only thing that'll get us interested is if he's willing to change his mind about pegging.
Following a week of turmoil and arguing, Andrew has started to come around to the idea of being polite to his wife and agrees to stop telling her he thinks she's bad at sex. But Holly isn't willing to move forward so easily.
She invites him over to her apartment to end things.
"I'd given it my all, I really tried — and now my tank is empty," she says, kind yet firm.
Well, this sets Andrew off. Tex does not get dumped. Tex is the one who does the dumping.
"So, just so you know..." he launches into another condescending monologue, utilising all the communication skills he has acquired as a fledgling motivational speaker.
"I feel like this has all been put on me. Leaders admit when they're at fault — no matter what happens. I think that's what true leaders do."
As he craps on, reciting a hodgepodge of quotes and advice he's screenshotted from motivational Instagram meme accounts, Holly does something we've never seen her do. She smiles. Andrew's self-righteous rants would usually rile her up and leave her screaming, but the past two weeks of suffering have led to a breakthrough. There's no point in arguing with fools. She knows her husband sounds ridiculous. And she knows we know he sounds ridiculous. So she smiles and tries to stifle the laugh that's bubbling up from her chest.
Of course, Andrew only pays attention to himself and doesn't realise he's being laughed at.
"Holly, I still haven't heard any apologies in any way or any accountability," he rages on. "And until that happens, I don't see this progressing in any way."
Our jaws drop. Andrew actually tries to break-up with Holly even though she literally just broke up with him.
Again, Holly grins.
"Well, I am sorry you feel that way," she jumps up from the couch and skips to the front door, holding it open for Andrew to stomp out of.
"I feel like you're demonstrating a bit of narcissistic behaviour, if I'm being completely honest with you," he tries to get in one more insult.
"Absolutely, you're entitled to your perception," Holly nods. "Anyway, on that note, I shan't let you insult me anymore. So I think we're done and I think I'm gonna show you the door."
Out in the hallway, we cut to rough footage of Andrew losing it even more.
"She's tryna make me out to be somebody I'm not, which is OK because that's what narcissists do," he slams.
He's more fired up than Cody's burnt butt crack.
Inside, as Holly lights a sage sticks and smudges the bad energy out of her life, she reflects on why the hell she signed up to this show.
"This week's been pretty disgusting," she sighs.
Well, it was Sex Week, Holly. It was always gonna be disgusting.
• MAFS Australia is available on Three and ThreeNow
A new documentary fronted by Herald journalist Jared Savage goes into the dark world of child sex abuse material with the Customs investigations team. Video / Greenstone TV