I haven't been able to close my eyes since witnessing this scene. Photo / Channel 9
I haven't been able to close my eyes since witnessing this scene. Photo / Channel 9
Warning: Sexual content
Don't pretend you're reading this fine example of journalistic excellence for anything other than the intimate confessions of the Married At First Sight lunatics that were promised in the very sophisticated headline you frantically clicked on.
There seems to be a pattern with the show's producers this year. They've got nothing left to shock us with, so they just keep rolling out sex confessions every episode. It's despicable. Do they really think they can just win our attention four nights a week by airing lewd bottom-of-the-barrel revelations?
It's Sex Week! Which is a little weird, because it seems like every week is sex week in the MAFS universe.
And to celebrate, we're treated to grainy video clips of the contestants being interviewed during the audition process for this show, in which they're asked increasingly personal questions about how often they masturbate. We can't help but wonder if they realised at the time that these private confessions would end up getting broadcast on national TV.
"EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT," Ella details her intimate routine.
"Sometimes every night," Selin muses about her own schedule in a separate clip.
We'll be sure to mark it in the diary. Photo / Channel 9
We cut to rough footage of other contestants being interviewed over FaceTime during the casting process. "What would you say your sexual turn-ons are?" they're asked.
"Sex in public," Jackson — who looks like he's secretly filming his audition interview in an underground cupboard — blurts out without hesitation.
"I like talking dirty," Al confesses in his tape.
Ugh, now we're imagining them all doing those things. These audition tapes should've been destroyed by one of those professional companies that burns classified documents for the government.
Thanks, Jackson - I'm just not gonna go outside anymore. Photo / Channel 9
We need to urgently escape all these raw sexual confessions, so we run down the hall and burst into a random apartment only to find a blindfolded Mitchell handcuffed naked to a bed as Ella uses a vibrator to stimulate his nipples. We shriek in terror.
Tbh we're mostly surprised that Mitchell doesn't laser his underarms. Photo / Channel 9
After escaping the horror scene, we stumble blindly back down the hallway — grabbing at door handles, trying to find an unlocked room to hide in. Just when we think we've found shelter, our stomachs sink. You know how witnesses of street crime often say they hear the gunshot before they see the weapon? Well, we hear … vibrating. And then we see Dom and Jack test driving an array of sex toys.
Maybe gift the pink one to Andrew when you're done with it. Photo / Channel 9
It's like that moment in a nightmare where you go to scream but no noise comes out. And then, when you try to run, it's like your legs are submerged in quicksand.
We can't get away from the vibrations. We're just standing there paralysed in shock as Jack makes this face for an uncomfortably long amount of time:
I haven't been able to close my eyes since witnessing this scene. Photo / Channel 9
Then Dom picks a fight with Jack for not being a sex freak.
"For me, the sex has been a little bit like a chore," she insults him, Tex-style. "I want you to want me — and I want you to f**k me! It's not that hard."
Like a gift from god, we have a realisation: The Adult Toddler. Of course! Al! He won't be test-driving vibrators!
We run into his apartment and slam the door behind us. He's standing in the kitchen, making cereal, like the innocent child he is.
"Is that milk off?" his wife Samantha scrunches up her nose.
"It's four days old … but it's all right," Al explains confidentially. "It just smells a bit funky. You're allowed to drink it until it starts curdling."
Well, we appreciate the shelter he was able to offer us temporarily, but we really don't wanna witness the undeniable consequences of consuming a bowl-full of foul milk.
Thankfully, tonight isn't all about sex. It's also about the redemption of sex freaks.
Andrew and Holly have remained in separate apartments since last night's commitment ceremony, where he blindsided her with a U-turn decision to stay in the competition after publicly dragging her for being a bad kisser. Their marriage is at a standstill.
But Andrew might be ready to change his mind. Not about pegging. But about the argument of who's wrong in this situation.
He texts his wife and they agree to meet. When he arrives, we witness what can only be described as a raw and compelling scene.
"Do you want a drink?" she asks.
"I'm … hydrated," he responds, looking nervously around the kitchen. "I think I've done enough talking. I'm here to listen to you."
Holly takes a sigh and pauses for a moment to gather her thoughts. Slowly, she begins to share with her husband how she feels.
Are you guys gonna tell us how often you masturbate or...??? Photo / Channel 9
"I don't think I've ever been disrespected more than-"
"My biggest fear is rejection," Andrew cuts in. He's done with listening and decides it's the perfect time to embark on another one of his monologues.
"I put up a huge wall. It got even bigger that day we had our blow-up because I felt my biggest fears were confirmed: rejection. From that night on, I felt alone and isolated. I checked out and all I did was look for reasons not to like you …"
Andrew's speech is so long he literally had to type it out and is now using his phone as a teleprompter.
I have been seeking validation through sexual partners," he continues. "I've lied, I've cheated and I've been hiding behind this for too long. Here I am telling you something I've never told anyone. I want you to know I trust you and you are worth the fight. I apologise for not being a better man to you sooner. You deserve to know you deserve more than what I've given you and none of this is your fault. Thank you for not rejecting me. I'm sorry".
