You should move towns and change your name immediately. Photo / Supplied
You should move towns and change your name immediately. Photo / Supplied
A MAFS bride is shattered only hours after her wedding — with her husband issuing an X-rated defence. James Weir recaps.
With the premiere of Married At First Sight not quite reaching the dizzying heights of previous years, producers go back to basics today with a husband who declares he's not attracted to his OTT wife.
His defence? An out-of-sync schlong.
And it's not just one OTT wife tonight. It's two. But the second OTT wife marries an OTT husband. His schlong's in-sync ... we think.
But before any of that, we bust into the dank hotel rooms of Tuesday night's married couples where we flick the lights on and off until they tell us whether they had sex.
The first couple to be matched tonight is Andrew and Holly.
He's a twice-divorced motivational speaker from Texas. The two divorces do not reflect well on his motivational speaking skills.
And Holly is … well … we'll let the experts describe her.
"She's a little intense," sex expert Alessandra cringes.
John Aiken nods. "She can come across unusual at times."
Ah. The two main criteria for a Married At First Sight contestant.
We're then treated to footage of Holly staring at herself in the mirror, reciting her morning affirmations.
"I am open to giving and receiving love," she forces a smile. "Love comes easily to me. Money comes easily to me — frequently and in abundance. I am warm. I am happy. I am open. I am amazing. I am beautiful."
'And - according to the experts - I am intense. I am unusual.' Photo / Supplied
She then pulls out a notebook to complete her daily wish list of things she hopes the universe will deliver her. "Right now, I'm just trying to manifest a husband into my life," she shares with us.
What am I trying to manifest? One night of unbroken sleep and a moment's relief from never-ending heartburn. Photo / Supplied
"I have a vision board in my room," she beams, skipping down the hall to show us.
"Savage Garden once said, I knew I loved you before I met you. And Michael Buble once said, I just haven't met you yet."
And it was either Fergie or Norah Jones who said, I'ma get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump.
During the ceremony, Holly's mind starts to race. The only thing she can focus on is Andrew's Texan accent. Her vision board did not say anything about a Texan accent.
"I'm thinking guns and anti-abortion laws. And Trump," she frets.
It's always fun to see people get betrayed by their own vision boards.
Kinda wanna break into Holly's house and tamper with her vision board. Photo / Supplied
Across town, our second OTT bride is getting ready to walk down the aisle.
"If my mum could pick me the perfect husband, he would look like Kim Jong-un and have a multimillion-dollar company in China," Selina sighs about her conservative parents.
Honey? Pass my phone number onto your mum and tell her to hook me up. My life's calling is to be a dictator's wife.
She's paired with some guy called Cody, and we quickly realise he's one of those people who thinks "travel" is a personality trait.
"I'm that kind of person who loves adventure," he nods. "So if someone says, 'Do you wanna come to Europe?' I'm probably gonna go to Europe."
Red flag. If you date someone like Cody, expect to be woken up early on Saturdays to go on arduous treks to rock pools.
I like to think the couples are matched by Cher's wardrobe computer from Clueless. Photo / Supplied
When they meet at the altar, Selina poses an important question.
"Is this your natural colour?" she assesses the groom's strawberry blonde hair before getting distracted by a possum in a nearby fig tree.
Her vows are a little more low-key than Holly's. But what she lacks in 90s Australian pop references, she makes up for with foot defects.
"I hope that you'll love me unconditionally. Bunions and all," she smiles.
We safely assume Cody will not love the bunions unconditionally because he can barely tolerate Selina smiling at him.
"Selina seems so ecstatic — like, every time I turn around she's smiling," he cringes.
"It's really good? But it's also like, a little bit uneasy. It's a bit too much. I'm just a little bit stumped about how to handle the situation. I've just gotten married to someone I've known for 20 minutes — I'm really worried she's gonna dive in really quickly."
You should move towns and change your name immediately. Photo / Supplied
Honestly, Cody. You're such a drama queen. Selina's not too intense.
"We should get matching tattoos!" she exclaims over dinner.
Any thoughts, Cody? We think you'd look great with a barbed wire tat on your upper bicep.
Or maybe the phrase "c'est la vie" in cursive, across your chest. Photo / Supplied
Cody's already freaking out. And when Selina starts asking intensely personal questions, it pushes him over the edge. What kind of questions? Really inappropriate ones. Like, What do you want out of this experiment? And, What do you do for work?
The nerve!
"I'm thinking, 'I just met ya'," Cody vents to us. "How much more will this escalate? Let's just slow it down a wee bit, shall we? Like, ease up."
There's clearly a deeper issue going on here and he wastes no time in making it known.
"I guess the only concern would be the initial attraction was not quite as much as I would've liked. I just don't know that there's that real spark," he says.
Uh-oh. We know what's gonna happen now. The moment a contestant secretly admits they're not attracted to their new spouse, producers whip out the Truth Box and fill it with one single question that the couple is forced to ask each other.
"Are you attracted to me?" Selina reads out from a slip of paper.
Okay, Cody. You've got two choices here. Answer the question. Or get matching tattoos. It's up to you.
"Ah … okay, so … um …" he stumbles. "Honestly, I really do think you're a gorgeous girl but I don't know why I'm struggling a bit with the sexual attraction."
