Married At First Sight has finally followed through on something it has been threatening us with for years: love stories.
How ridiculous. That's not what we're here to see — clearly it's just a desperate move to refresh the format. It's like when long-running 90s sitcoms would add an animal to the cast in an attempt to generate new interest.
Sure, every year we all complain about the scandals and get up in arms about the lack of love. But that doesn't mean we actually want love. We just like complaining about things. Producers should know better than to negotiate with terrorists.
So, with tonight all about the love, it's bad news for this season's future. What's next? John Aiken giving legitimately helpful advice? That'll be the day I quit.
But this might all be a ruse. While everyone involved in tonight's episode appears to be polite and satisfied with their pairings, rumours swirled earlier today that one of the brides is actually a troublemaker who isn't really on the show for love.
In that case, it's good news for the future of the series but bad news for the secret troublemaker's oblivious husband. Either way, there's bad news concerning something and someone.
Our first couple tonight is Dominica and Jack.
"What I really like about these guys is they're kind," John Aiken observes, as if the personality trait is as rare and superhuman as the ability to fly or be invisible.
Dominica is entering this experiment with trepidation. Just 18 months ago, she got a divorce after being married for two months to a guy who she moved in with after only a few weeks.
"I don't wanna fail again," she declares.
We don't know Dominica well, but we feel confident in saying she's one of those gals who doesn't really look before she leaps. But things actually might work out for her this time.
When she walks down the aisle, it's immediately clear Jack likes what he sees ... We think.
How I'd look at Brent's Hot Groomsman from last night.
As well as being a make-up artist, Dominica is somewhat of an amateur clairvoyant. In the lead-up to the wedding, she kept seeing one recurring sign: the letter M. She's determined to get to the bottom of its significance.
Jack racks his brain, trying to think of personal details that might match Dominica's visions. "I live in Milsons Point?" he offers.
Dominica can't believe the accuracy of her premonition. "M! That's where the M came from! Oh my god!"
Jack then has a light bulb moment. "Oh, and my last name's Miller."
"Oh my god ... I am psycho!" she screams. "My psycho predictions were right!"
It almost seems too spooky to be true. Jackie Gillies from The Real Housewives of Melbourne better watch out.
But something Dominica hasn't been able to predict is how to tell Jack about her divorce. She decides to take small steps by talking with her new husband's mum about it first.
"I just wanted to have a chat with you because ... there's something that really makes me nervous ... "she begins, but Jack's mum is too busy having fun.
"Oh, don't be! He's not looking for the virgin bride," mum blurts out.
I'd like to go drinking with Jack's mum.
Of course, Dominica eventually tells Jack about the divorce and everything's fine. Boo. But with Dominica being named as the trouble-making bride in today's tabloid rumours, we're happy to let this uneventful wedding slide and wait for the storm to hit.
Until then, we're gonna go drink with Jack's mum.
Meanwhile, over in a community rental hall across town, we meet our other couple: Ella and Mitch.
At first, Mitch declares he's sceptical of the experts' ability. He reckons it's impossible for them to match him with a girl he's attracted to.
Finally, we think to ourselves. We're gonna get some drama. But it turns out our premonitions are not as accurate as Dominica's.
Mitch likes Ella. Ella likes Mitch.
At the reception, the producers get so bored by the niceties that they end up editing the footage to be filled with out-of-context sexual innuendo.
"I'm looking forward to dinner. I'm ... hungry. And she's hungry as well. Yeah ... I'm looking forward to enjoying a meal with her," Mitch says as producers cut to slow-mo vision of Ella licking her lips.
Out-of-context MAFS is the only MAFS.
Producers then decide they're gonna double down on this attempt at a hyper-sexual storyline. They pledge to do whatever it takes to confect raw, animalistic attraction.
A cameraman corners Ella and yells a question at her. "ARE YOU FEELING ANY SEXUAL CHEMISTRY?" They refuse to let her go until she gives an answer that matches the storyline they're pursuing.
"F**k yeah, he's gorgeous," she finally says, just so she can go use the bathroom.
The producers are nothing if not committed.
Then they cut to an innocent observation Mitch made while eating dinner: "I love oysters."
Excellent. Producers now have enough footage to brand Mitch and Ella as oyster-eating sex freaks.
OK, MAFS voiceover lady — now it's your turn to chime in and make things sound even more steamier than they are. Take it away!
"As they travel towards the bridal suite ... only one question remains," voiceover lady purrs.
