James Weir recaps Married At First Sight 2019 episode 33

In the most selfish way possible, Married At First Sight's cheating wife jovially outs her affair in front of everyone, without even the decency of giving the scorned parties involved a slight heads-up over wine and straws.

"Spoiled b**ch!" are the cries that echo around the commitment ceremony as Tamara attempts to use air quotes again.

Why are we here tonight? Maybe I should bore you with endless paragraphs about that annoyingly-content redhead. Don't worry, I won't. Unlike Channel 9, I know what you're here for — the affair. You're here to see Jessika splutter out her love for Dan in front of everyone and to witness the look on Tamara's face as her heart breaks. You want to hear Tamara's raspy cry as she whispers, "I'm not about it". Don't pretend you're not eagerly slurping from a wine straw and grinning in anticipation.

After weeks of walking all over Tamara and cheating behind her back, tonight is the night Dan finally walks out on her. For the occasion, he puts on his finest Gucci loafers, which he bought from an authorised Bali street vendor.

They're as authentic as Dan's teeth.

It's usually around this point we'd take a moment to appreciate Michael's fabulous silk shirt, but there's no silk shirt to appreciate. Tonight, he has gone for a simple black number. But there's a reason. It appears he has straightened his hair and possibly used a smoothing serum. His ponytail is sleek and shiny, like a Pantene ad. We appreciate him toning down the shirt this evening to properly exhibit the hair and ensure no attention is taken away from it.

Maybe she's born with it.

Like clockwork, Heidi manages to grab everyone's attention for absolutely nothing serious.

"I was trying to eat my pasta and trying not to cry at the same time!" she sobs to the experts. Honestly, Heidi. Crying while eating pasta is the only way to eat pasta. In fact, I cry anytime I eat a carbohydrate. You're not special, Heidi.

Put a ravioli in it, Heidi.

Pull out your wine straws because Jess and Mick are on the couch next.

Jessika's still conflicted about how she is perceived. Stressing about perception will ruin you. She needs to lay in the bed she made with Dan. As she has done many times before, Jessika tries to rewrite the narrative.

"My heart is pure! My heart is golden! And you never deserved it!" Jessika splutters to Mick on the couch, and that is a direct quote without embellishment.

Does Mick want to stay or go? I dunno, it's not really clear.

Soooo, you're staying?

"I have decided to write leave!" Jessika beams to everyone in the room while proudly holding her card upside down.

And while only thinking of her own happiness, she proceeds to announce her secret affair in the worst way possible — making it all about her, with no sympathy or thought given to the jilted parties involved.

"I came into this experiment wanting to find somebody I could build a life with, somebody that makes me happy and somebody that makes me feel confident and somebody that makes me excited to wake up in the morning and I've found that. But it's not with Mick. It's with Dan," she smiles.

It's not the best way to announce an affair. Dan and Jessika both planned on telling the experts tonight — but it never occurred to them to maybe let their partners know ahead of time instead of ambushing them in front of everyone. By the pained look on Dan's face, it's not how he thought it would come out. He turns to Tamara.

"I'm sorry," he grunts.

The crowd goes wild.

"I need to get this off my chest," Dan growls, trying to settle the upset masses. "I'm here for love, right? And me and Tam, we're at a place where friendship was there. And it wasn't moving anywhere. And Jess spoke to me at the dinner table a couple of times. I was fighting it, I didn't want to speak to her because I was attracted to her from day one. But I don't get the goosebumps often and I did get it with Jess. So we caught up one day this week and had a drink together."

LIES! He doesn't tell the group about all the secret dates, or the dirty carpark pashes at the dinner parties or the thigh touching in Jessika's apartment.

Heidi stops crying about that time she ate pasta and pipes up with a legitimate question.

"So what'd you do?" she asks Dan.

"Ah, it was nothing … We just talked we didn't go have sex or anything," he grunts.

"Did you kiss?" she squints.

He can't keep up the facade.

"Yeah, we did kiss. Yep," he mutters.

Mick can't believe it. His head falls to his hands and he sobs. While he weeps, Jessika ignores him.

"Now it all makes sense! You are the most selfish brat ever! You spoiled bitch!" he yells. "To think at one stage I actually bloody liked you!"

Everyone's kind of forgotten about Tamara and we haven't bothered to check in on her welfare. But she makes it clear she's perturbed. She's so perturbed she even starts misusing air quotes again.

Soooo, you're staying?

"Everyone convinced me to stay and now I feel like a complete f*ckhead!" she yells with lots of hand movements.

Jessika sits still. Everyone runs to Mick's side and Tamara's side — even Dan's side. But no one comes over to her — not even to attack her. Dan doesn't even try to go over to comfort her. She's alone. Dead-eyed and pouting.

'Diaphragm.'

Suddenly, Tamara's raspy voice echoes across the timber floors of the warehouse.

"I've had your back! And you shat all over me!" she trembles.

It's quite the visual. Also, is it "shit" or "shat"? It's probably a question for another day, but still worth noting.

Tamara picks up and storms out. She pulls open the heavy reclaimed timber door of the warehouse and leaves.

John Aiken finally steps into the mess and asks Jessika what she wants to do. She keeps splattering the word "manifest" before sheepishly asking the experts if she can stay in the experiment with Dan.

"You're taking the piss out of the whole experiment! You f*cking idiot"," Mick huffs as he storms out.

"He's my future," Jessika spluts as the crowd boo and hiss at the request.
The experts assemble and talk in hushed tones about what to do.

'LOL WTF?'

On one hand, they're worried about the other contestants tearing strips off Jessika and Dan if they stay. But on the other hand, this experiment is clearly already mob ruled. And on a surprise third hand, producers need Jessika and Dan to remain in the experiment to keep viewership up because none of us are going to spend the next two weeks watching that annoyingly-content redhead.

The experts are bullied by the producers into allowing Jessika and Dan to remain in the experiment as a couple.

Mick drives his tractor off into the night. But we still never really check on the welfare of Tamara. Is she out? Or will the experts bring back that virgin and pair her with him? We don't know. But we feel confident in saying she will go home tonight and eat pasta while crying.