After downing countless salted margaritas, Married At First Sight's cheating wife has attempted to take the spotlight off her affair by slapping down an innocent wife with nasty allegations and lies as salty as her drinks.
It's not that surprising. I've done worse after countless salted margaritas. To be honest, we're all just a bit disappointed producers didn't ply everyone with espresso martinis instead of salted margaritas. The night would've ended in hair pulling and unexplained perspiration and we no doubt would've been gifted the opportunity of laughing at Jessika mispronouncing "espresso" as "exfpreffo".
It's like the producers aren't even trying anymore.
"Jess gets drunk and loose lipped," Martha giggles to us ahead of Tuesday's messy girls' night. What a good friend. Also, Jessika is naturally loose-lipped and that's why she talks funny. Geez, Martha, have some respect.
Oh, and yeah, there's another boys' and girls' night. It doesn't seem right having another girls' night without Lizzie, but she's off living her best life with a new haircut while eating handbag biscuits in that jewellery shop she manages and we couldn't be happier for her.
The most obscure thing of the evening? That cheating used car salesman with the veneers borrows one of Michael's shirts.
Go cheat in a used Kia.
The girls teeter into Kings Cross because no one gave them the memo that Newtown is where it's at now. And, because Jessika couldn't make it to the pre-drinks, she decides she's gonna need to go to the bar and catch up, stat.
Me at the work Christmas party.
Sufficiently hydrated, Jessika's feeling terrific. She's at that point of inebriation where she starts trying to wink again because she has forgotten that she can't.
Talk turns to Ning and everyone's trying to peer pressure her into having sex, which doesn't really seem acceptable but who are we to interject? Ning decides tonight is the night she will finally let Mark come near her. What a milestone.
It's at this point Jessika decides to subtly ask Martha if she can talk to her away from the group. She skols another one of her salted margaritas before trying to wink again and the rest of the girls wince.
Jessika's dying to tell Martha about the date she had yesterday with Dan in that deserted beer garden but now is really not the time. Because Jessika is six salted margaritas deep, she doesn't realise how loud she's slurring. She literally drags Martha behind a plastic palm tree which is just one metre away from the group. The other girls hear everything.
"Dan said, from the second you walked in, I had goosebumps. I was lost for words," she stammers. "I dunno, Dan makes me feel so goooood. I think he's amazing … you know we have, like, nice little dates. I dunno, like, Dan makes me feel excited for wanting love. I never thought I'd ever find it. And then, like, Dan walks in. He's amazing I can feel myself falling in love with him."
Up the road in Surry Hills, the boys' night is in full swing and nothing surprising is happening.
"I think his missus is f*ckin hot as f*ck, if I'm honest with ya, if i'm gonna get straight down to business with ya!" Dan growls, pointing to Mick.
It's super appropriate and complimentary with undertones of an NRL video scandal. It's great when people foreshadow their affairs and we can't wait until this is brought up at a later date in a public confrontation.
Back in The Cross, Tamara's miffed. Mainly because she forgot to bring her wine straw but also because she has just heard Jess splattering from the other side of the plastic palm tree about stealing her husband.
Because Tamara has also had a few salted margaritas, she hasn't quite comprehended everything Jessika splurted. But she has heard enough. Cyrell's final words haunt her mind.
"She wants to f*ck your husband! She wants to f*ck your husband!"
The refrain echoes like the eerie taunts of a really crass ghost.
With Jessika eight salted margaritas deep, it's the perfect time to confront her.
Falted margaaaaareeeepa.
"Did you say that you wanted to f*ck my husband," Tamara croaks. "Put the cards on the table Jess!" "No, I never said it," Jessika splurts, lying to the group. What she fails to realise is no one in this group is on her side. She kinda has Martha, but even Martha's running away and saying sly stuff about her to us in that hybrid George Calombaris-Kardashian accent.
Jessika isn't sure what to say — but she knows she needs to get these ladies off her back.
"I need to shift the focus," she tells us. As we know, Jessika is not slick at all. A regular person may attempt to shift focus by saying something like, "Hey, who else wants another individual serving of six salted margaritas?"
But Jessika is different. She decides the only way out of this mess is by slapping down an innocent wife with a nasty rumour.
"Ning!" she spurts into the group. We're all taken aback because it's literally the first time Jessika and Ning have ever had anything to do with each other.
"Things Mick has brought up about you and Mark … are not nice," she splats.
"OK," Ning drawls.
Like all mums, Ning's used to brats saying mean untrue things to her.
Rats. Jessika needs to exaggerate things a little more. She takes a sip of her eleventh salted margarita and continues to slur out a disgusting rumour, complete with stumbles and mispronunciation.
"You … you know what Mick said about your and Mark's relationship?" she splatters, holding down barf. Jessika's also unaware her eyes aren't fully open, but that's just a side note. "And … and I'd rather … nahhhh … not bring it up tonight."
"OK, so why did you bring it up tonight?" we ask politely while taking a sip of a salted margarita through Tamara's wine straw, which we stole.
"He liiiiies to you," she continues to spurt. "And Mick and Mark have both said that after this experiment ends they're gonna go f*ck a whole bunch of biiiiitches!" We're shocked and appalled but also glad the producers finally jacked up the stakes because things have been getting super boring the past few days.
The rest of the group is sickened. What kind of insensitive, insecure and selfish little girl would gleefully spit this across a crowded bar at an innocent person she doesn't even know? And all as a way to hide the truth that she's having an affair with some bogan who has really cheap veneers? It's especially cruel because tonight is the night Ning was finally going to allow Mark to be in the same room as her. Now that plan has been completely ruined.
Jessika's proud of herself. She thinks she has successfully taken the spotlight off her and the affair and chows down on some celebratory bruschetta.
I love bruffebba and exfpreffo marpeemeeph.
What she doesn't realise is she has only made the spotlight brighter on herself.
"He's lying to you," Jessika splatters to Ning, telling her Mick shared this intel two weeks ago.
Ning isn't an idiot. There are two rules in life she lives by: Not having sex on the first 95 dates. And not believing crappy rumours spluttered by mean girls who've just consumed 17 salted margaritas.
All the other girls get behind Ning and suddenly she has a squad like Taylor in that Bad Blood video clip.
They demand to know, if this is all true, why Jessika didn't share the intel two weeks ago when she found out.
They're not letting up. As they lean in closer and glare, Jessika almost chokes on her celebratory bruschetta.
"Sometimes it takes time to marinaaaaaade! She needed to marinaaaaaade!" Martha yells, nasally, while wrapping an arm around Jessika. It's always about food with the Calombaris-Kardashians.
It's not enough to fool the group. That annoyingly-content and usually-vocal redhead is so infuriated she's speechless. We all want answers. They'll come in a matter of days. And, when they do, we'll all act appropriately. The ghost of Cyrell still haunts and dictates.
As the late, great T. Swift once said, there's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. And in that special place, you can't find a single salted margarita to hide the shame.
