Jessika wakes after her night propositioning other people's husbands on Married At First Sight. Video / Three
In the harsh light of day, the drunk Married At First Sight wife who propositioned two married men has woken up to a life-threatening hangover and faces the messy aftermath of her decisions — with one of the men revealing more details.
The glitter has faded, the apartment is a mess and there's a gross smell emanating which Jessika soon realises is her. She's in desperate need of a Gatorade and a bacon and egg roll.
At last night's dinner party, she got wasted and went on a cheating spree — propositioning both Nic and Dan. On Sunday, we barge into her room, whip open the curtains and strip the blanket off her, demanding she pay the price for her behaviour. The memories come back hard and fast in the glaring sunlight.
"I feel fricken' terrible. I wanna die," she groans.
"Well you should've thought about that before you inhaled three carafes of cheap wine and hit on two married men who aren't your husband," we snip while turning on the vacuum cleaner.
"I woke up feeling really remorseful for the way I acted last night," she mumbles before running to the bathroom to vomit.
Mick's furious at how his wife behaved in front of him last night. She didn't even try to disguise her attraction to other men. He's humiliated. But he doesn't even know the half of it, and more details surface about Jessika's behaviour.
"Jess was actually rubbing her leg up and down my leg under the table for a bit," Dan tells us through gritted veneers.
Hold up. This sounds very similar to the big dirty rumour that caused Cyrell to throw a fruit bowl at Martha earlier this week — the rumour that saw Jessika tell Martha that Nic had rubbed his leg on hers under the table. Given Dan's little story, it seems Jessika has been running around rewriting history.
We thank Dan for the intel and he compliments the "freng shay" of the apartment and we laugh until we realise he isn't joking.
Jessika's earlier guilt seems to have gone down the toilet with her throw up. Because as soon as we arrive at the commitment ceremony, she sets her sights on Dan.
Let me draw you a diaphragm. Photo / Channel 9
Now seems like an appropriate time to take a breather and make our weekly mention of Michael's shirt.
Chic and understated. Photo / Channel 9
Cyrell and Nic hit the couch and rehash it all — the rumour, the grabbing Martha by the neck of her terry cloth bathrobe, the smashed fruit bowl.
"I turned into a monster that I've hidden for several years … to the extent where, I'll say it, I attacked Martha. I was aggressive towards her," Cyrell admits.
Nic says he wants to leave tonight. But Cyrell pulls the ultimate King Ding-a-ling move and traps him by choosing to stay because there are more fruit bowls to break.
He wants to throw a fruit bowl. Photo / Channel 9
But everyone seems to have missed the point. No one mentions the most important part of the argument — that Martha spent the whole 90 minute fight wearing a silicone face mask. The experts have completely checked-out.
Next up, Melissa and Dino. Melissa's still banging on about the secret tapes and having her privacy breached and, honestly, unless the experts demand the tapes and publicly broadcast them right, we just don't care.
They rake over the same details again — she was bitching about him on the phone and made fun of his yoga mat and he recorded it.
John Aiken wakes up from his nap and tells them that, unless we play the tapes, none of us care, and to reveal their decisions to stay or leave.
They both leave. Dino wants to go back out into the real world and find a girl who's into spirituality and yoga and being secretly recorded. Before he goes, he decides to dedicate a poem to Melissa.
"Dear Mel. When you meet the next man … Before he slams you … I hope he'll treat you the way you want to be treated … Because you are a woman that will never be defeated," he recites.
It's beautiful, I think it's Yeats.
Meanwhile, Jessika decides she also might be into Dino now.
We're forced to sit through the new intruder couples even though we don't care about them. Channel 9 should know that, as adults, we don't have room in our lives for A) New friends. B) Intruders.
"Lovely to meet you guys," Billy tells the experts and, sorry, but aren't you supposed to have met and been assessed by all three of the experts in order to be a contestant on this show?
Anyway, Susie is just thrilled to be here.
Susie's resting face. Photo / Channel 9
They've got issues and Billy dobs on Susie by telling the experts she has been a big meanie.
"She's told me she goes for bigger guys and I'm too small. That I have no balls. I'm strange," he whimpers.
"Yeah, I said all that," Susie shrugs, not seeing an issue. "Billy stares. Billy's very awkward and makes me very uncomfortable. The silly odd things that come out of his mouth freak me out. It is a lot. He is a lot. He is a lot to take in."
But the most annoying thing Billy does? He tells Susie she looks gorgeous. Out of everything, this annoys Susie the most. In Susie's eyes, being called gorgeous is worse than Bronson calling Ines a cantaloupe.
John Aiken is particularly fed up tonight. To be honest, it's the 21st episode and we're all a little dusty. He jumps in to throw some sass around.
"I'm gonna jump in. Because I can't just sit here anymore and hear the way you talk. It's doin' my head in," he whines. "It's a problem that you don't understand how you're contributing to this issue. Let me give you some feedback. Do you think that you're better than Billy? Because you talk as though you do."
Thanks John, but there's a bigger problem here. And it's that you didn't give this advice to Ines when you saw that vitriol play out for a much longer time.
Finally, Jessika's Beroccas have kicked in and she's able to crawl up to the couch with Mick.
"You got something you wanna say to Dan and Tamara?" he asks his wife loudly in front of the room.
She doesn't. Last night, she literally told Dan she wanted to blow up his ass. There honestly isn't much left for her to say.
Again, we're let down. The experts last night watched via CCTV Jessika's messy propositions to two married men, but tonight they ignore it. Nothing is said. They simply shrug and ask Mick and Jessika if they're staying or leaving.
"I deserve better," Mick says, choosing to leave.
But Jessika has a plan. It's a tried and true scheme made famous by Ines and Davina before her.
She doesn't want to be with her husband. But she wants to stay around for Dan. And possibly Nic. And anyone else that may become associated with this production over the next week.
More Berocca, please.
• For more observations on throwing fruit bowls and bacon and egg rolls, follow James Weir on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
