KEY POINTS:
It's a truly shock-horror week for the women's mags.
While New Idea's front page displays a strained Katie Holmes sitting next to her grimacing control-freak husband Tom Cruise, the New Zealand Woman's Weekly portrays a serenely happy Katie whose only angst is whether to adopt baby number two.
New Idea reports, for maybe the zillionth time, that Katie is begging for her life back as she squirms under Tom's thumb.
The domineering Cruise is said to be monitoring her contact with friends and spying on her by tracking her every movement courtesy of his gift of a mobile phone with a global positioning system.
Inside the NZ Woman's Weekly, however, it seems that all Katie is bothered about is whether to adopt a second baby.
And the magazine can't decide whether to promote gossip that the pair will soon adopt, or that Katie is already in the very early stages of pregnancy because of a top she wore.
By putting forward both theories, the Weekly can at least claim "we told you first", unless of course she's neither pregnant or about to adopt.
Her Tom-approved mate Victoria Beckham is apparently joining the adoption bandwagon, considering taking on a "disadvantaged South American girl".
This avoids the question of whether gaunt Posh can recognise starvation from "fashionably thin".
It seems that Posh is feeling broody after seeing Katie with her baby daughter Suri.
Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie's adoption of her Vietnamese orphan is predictably controversial after she got the child out of Ho Chi Minh City in two weeks unlike others who have to wait much longer.
This reminds us of Madonna, who has launched her own clothing line "M for Madonna" ... which reminds us of Rachel Hunter, but her new swimwear line doesn't get a mention.
Seen in swimwear, though, is Chelsy Davy, the 21-year-old girlfriend of Prince Harry who's been living it up in Rio de Janeiro without her beau - who is due to head to Iraq in May.
Instead she partied away with mates and her brother Shawn, and to prove Chelsy's really all right she ignored chat-up lines from hot Brazilian boys.
This did not stop a possibly pyschic onlooker from commenting: "I don't think Prince Harry was on her mind."
The other Holmes, Paul, gets a big writeup about his planned departure from NewstalkZB along with photos of him in his youthful curlylocks days.
He profoundly comments that "no one can go on forever" and is grateful for his dignified and, dare we add, dragged-out departure from radio "unlike TVNZ".
Holmes reveals he only failed to turn up for his earlybird shift once and it was all Winston Peters' fault.
While "hushed up" and kept in the dark at the time, a cheeky Paul laughs as he recalls how he had been out for dinner with Winston the night he failed to get up the next morning.
While Paul goes on to promote his olive oil, his radio colleague Leighton Smith gives us the real oil when he confides that Holmes was once a "leftie" but "awakened to the realities of life" as he became "more financially secure".
New Idea and the Woman's Weekly finally sing from the same songsheet with reports that Britney Spears has been battling bulimia for a decade.
New Idea extrapolates that Spears has therefore had difficulty keeping down the medicine she takes for her bilpolar disorder, and commiserates how the poor pop star has also had to battle postnatal depression and low self-esteem.
The magazines also manage to agree that rumours continue to circulate that Demi Moore, 44, is pregnant after trying for a baby with husband Ashton Kutcher, 29, since their wedding almost two years ago.
So, watch that waist too.
Woman's Day features the "secret dates" of Jennifer Aniston and her apparent soul mate Keanu Reeves, but it's all pretty casual so far, due to wounds of the past.
Not so secret now is Salma Hayek's confirmation of her engagement and pregnancy to French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault.
Up until now they had been keeping their relationship quiet. So quiet in fact, that even her friend and Ugly Betty co-star Vanessa Williams - who plays scary Wilhemina Slater - hasn't met the dude whose father is the 74th richest man in the world.
Woman's Day can report however that Williams has heard he's "pretty fabulous".
