TV review: Call of the wild a soothing make-no-demands cry

At my cat's vet clinic, they're always playing old episodes of The Zoo. I don't know who they play it for. The cat's not interested and neither are we.

Perhaps it's supposed to be soothing: a sort of eye muzak for stressed animals of the feline and human variety.

Perhaps they'll eventually replace The Zoo with Wild Vets (last night, 7, TV One.) Wild Vets takes the same soothing, make-no-demands tone. No doubt there will be some tear-jerker moments along the way when an animal dies, but, really, this is television that provides easy watching and easy emotions.

And you can't really go wrong with "aw, aren't they sooo cute?" lion cubs. You could learn stuff from this show, too, so it can pass as educational telly.

For example, should I ever have lion cubs who are losing condition because their mum's milk has dried up, I now know how to make a disgusting concoction of mince, milk and egg yolk.

I might not know exactly how to perform a vasectomy on a chimp (the kids will no doubt be watching so the gore is kept to a minimum), but I do know how to distract a chimp if I want to shoot one with an anaesthetic dart.

The unfortunate chimp, who also had to suffer the indignity of having his hand prints taken while under anaesthetic, for fundraising purposes, has "an amazing sense of humour".

Or so we were told.

His chimp mates didn't seem to be laughing much.

They seemed instead to be in a rage that their buddy had been taken away to be experimented on by those nasty humans.

Well, they might think that? How would we know? The chimps were bashing at a window and flinging mud on the roof. Perhaps they were 'aving a laugh but it didn't much look like it. Perhaps they're just right characters, but I know I wouldn't have gone outside to talk baby talk at them. Perhaps they just hate vets, wild or otherwise. But I already knew that most animals hate most vets.

Some wild vets (as opposed to tame vets, presumably) talk baby talk at animals. One stops for a chat with a spider monkey on her way to work.

I'd like to see one gibber at a gibbon, but that's just me.

Still, there is no end to the things you learn. I really didn't know that fur seals are "always full of personality". I think this is wild vet jargon for "they bite".

I might have guessed that you have to clip lion cubs' claws (not in the wild, silly.) The female cub didn't much enjoy this. How contrary of her, because "most girls love having a manicure, don't they?"

If you liked The Zoo, and you like to go "aw" at lion clubs and you think animals can understand baby talk, you'll love Wild Vets.

But Attenborough it ain't.